Depression Supporters Support Group
This community is dedicated to spouses, children, relatives, co-workers and others who are actively supporting someone suffering from depression or other serious mental illness. Depression can bring about intense sadness, melancholia or despair that has advanced to the point of being disruptive, which can have a grave impact on the ability of others trying to help.
I've been going through this for decades now, and each horrible cycle feels like a dead end and then we cycle around again.
Right now, my job has me out of town most weeks. When he dropped me at the airport Sunday he was in a bad spiral. He was angry and mean and actinging like I had attacked him but wouldn't say how or what. Since he dropped me off he will not communicate, no phone, no email, etc.
So I'm out of town. Will he pick me up Thursday night? Will I stand there and nobody comes? Will he say 'I'm not picking you up', then I get home to what?
I feel like an idiot to be so stressed out, so vibrating with anxiety, so still trying to reach him. I have a job and health insurance. I have money saved. I have mental health and he doesn't - his anger issues have put his job at risk and alienated most family and many friends. These are the things I keep telling myself. But I can remember, and in fact I still periodically see, the other guy in there.
Right now, I can't break this anxiety. I have meds but I use them carefully, they help but only so much. Sadly I'm not much of a drinker, I'm a throw-upper, so even one drink can be too much, but I sure could use a drink!
Reading your stories this week has helped, reminding me that this anger, meanness, coldness is an illness in him and not about me, but I'm still vibrating with anxiety.
Right now, my job has me out of town most weeks. When he dropped me at the airport Sunday he was in a bad spiral. He was angry and mean and actinging like I had attacked him but wouldn't say how or what. Since he dropped me off he will not communicate, no phone, no email, etc.
So I'm out of town. Will he pick me up Thursday night? Will I stand there and nobody comes? Will he say 'I'm not picking you up', then I get home to what?
I feel like an idiot to be so stressed out, so vibrating with anxiety, so still trying to reach him. I have a job and health insurance. I have money saved. I have mental health and he doesn't - his anger issues have put his job at risk and alienated most family and many friends. These are the things I keep telling myself. But I can remember, and in fact I still periodically see, the other guy in there.
Right now, I can't break this anxiety. I have meds but I use them carefully, they help but only so much. Sadly I'm not much of a drinker, I'm a throw-upper, so even one drink can be too much, but I sure could use a drink!
Reading your stories this week has helped, reminding me that this anger, meanness, coldness is an illness in him and not about me, but I'm still vibrating with anxiety.
I'm so nervous about what to do now because we're just starting in this- 25 years of dysfunction and I'm just starting to realize that he really needs help and that we're not going to just be able to talk our way out of this- he really needs mental help and maybe meds and to recognize and own what is happening.
First, I completely agree with what Cinaflower said about self care. We really need to learn to focus on and care for ourselves as much as we do for them. Saying that, something I've had to come to terms with is to accept the fact that all of his moods are far beyond my control. All I can do is to focus on the things I can control, like preparedness. In your situation, if you're concerned he may not pick you up, be prepared with a back up plan. Inform a neighbor/friend that you're unsure if your husband will be able to pick you up from the airport and ask if you can use them as a plan B if needed. If you don't had anyone to call, pull out money for cab fare ahead of time and be prepared with a number for a cab company. Doing small things like this might put you at ease knowing that even if he doesn't show, you have a back up plan and you won't be left stranded which will only further increase your anxiety. For me, I think the most difficult part of dealing with my husbands anxiety/depression is the constant uncertainty of what each day will hold. It's so exhausting and we have no control over it, but the one thing we can control is what we can do to take care of ourselves to maintain our sanity. Like if he's having an aggressive day where he's being mean, go for a walk, to a movie, to a store, etc. we need to be supportive, yes, but that doesn't mean we need to he the punching bag either. So take care of yourself, hang in there, and good luck. :)