Hi Everyone, i am at my wits end and am ready to walk away from my spouse of 13 years.  He is a wonderful man but his depression has intensified throughout the years and now he is at the point where he will make it to work but is not able to participate in any aspect of our lives unless i become angry that he isn't pulling his weight. We don't converse, we are not having sex any more and are sleeping in different beds.  There is not one thing in our relationship that meets my needs and i have become angry and resentful.  I hate this about myself.

Depression is a disease and i know he can't help it.  I feel guilty for feeling this way.  I want to walk away but at the same time how can i do this to him!?  He needs help! 

He has tried everything, meds, doctors, psychiatrists, group support, online support, mindfulness congnitive meditation, everything that is out there for him he has tried.  It is not getting any better, it is actually getting worse.

A couple months ago he went downtown and bought some black market MDMA because he had heard that therapy with this drug would help.  He was going to use it with a therapist.  I came home to police at my door because he had decided to do it on his own at home while i was at work, overdosed and had been running around our neighborhood knocking on doors trying to get help.  I spent the next couple days in and out of the hospital with him. 

Everything i read is based on how the caregiver can help the person with depression.  There is little information on how the caregiver can get help themselve.  Of course i know that i should have an outside support group. That is why i am here!  But what if your spouse does not want people to know that he is suffering. Who do you talk to when you have been sworn to secrecy. I am up here writing as i watch him wallowing away on the couch for another weekend and i sit here alone. 

I can't make plans with friends because we cancel too much due to his condition.  He is aloof and painfully quiet on meeting new people so they often feel he is rude even though it he is not, it is just his condition.  We have no friends anymore.

I could join a bunch of singles groups but i don't want to be single.  Do i just go on with my own life as if he didn't exist?  Luckily we have no children but we have a home that needs maintaining, we both work full time with me owning my own business, and have two beautiful dogs that need walks and discipline. We live in squallor because i can't hold the weight of the household myself.  I battle my own depression because of the black cloud that hangs over this family. It has gotten to the point that i dont wnat to go home but have to because of the dogs.

So, any suggestions on how i can tend to myself throughout all of this?  I have been managing my emotions with alcohol, am exhausted mentally and physically.  I don't know if i can go on.

We've used all of our benefits for the year on him and can't afford the extra therapist fees for myself.  And i haven't had success with therapy in the past.......

Any pointers on how you all deal day in and day out to maintain your own strength and sanity without aboandoning your spouse would help!!

PLEASE!!