Depression Supporters Support Group
This community is dedicated to spouses, children, relatives, co-workers and others who are actively supporting someone suffering from depression or other serious mental illness. Depression can bring about intense sadness, melancholia or despair that has advanced to the point of being disruptive, which can have a grave impact on the ability of others trying to help.
I'm new here. I see that the majority of people are living with the person they support. My situation is a bit different. My ex husband was formally diagnosed (after our divorce, but likely was ill before), so I have been there as a spouse too.
My question is about reaching out to someone you support but don't live with. How do you check in with them?
My adult daughter is in treatment, but things are up and down. The depression is generally the worst feature of the illness for her.
Do any of you have suggestions for checking in with someone who you know is having a hard time but you don't get to see them day to day?
In truth, checking in is sometimes checking up on her. I would love it to be casual, but there is usually some concern as well. I also think the question "how is it going?" is felt by her as "have you gotten your life together yet?" That's not my concern. I support her emotionally and some financially. It will be great if/when the financial stuff isn't needed, but I feel like her emotional health is the primary goal for her to work on. That said, I don't want "how are you?" to sound like an urgent question of "are you better yet? is everything fixed". I realize MI doesn't get "fixed", and peoples' treatment effectiveness can go up and down over time.
Another concern of mine is that due to my being in school and working, I am rushing around and sometimes worry do I check in enough and am I so rushed that she may not feel like I am there for her.
How do you offer support and listening in a way that is meaningful to a person that you don't necessarily see each day?
My question is about reaching out to someone you support but don't live with. How do you check in with them?
My adult daughter is in treatment, but things are up and down. The depression is generally the worst feature of the illness for her.
Do any of you have suggestions for checking in with someone who you know is having a hard time but you don't get to see them day to day?
In truth, checking in is sometimes checking up on her. I would love it to be casual, but there is usually some concern as well. I also think the question "how is it going?" is felt by her as "have you gotten your life together yet?" That's not my concern. I support her emotionally and some financially. It will be great if/when the financial stuff isn't needed, but I feel like her emotional health is the primary goal for her to work on. That said, I don't want "how are you?" to sound like an urgent question of "are you better yet? is everything fixed". I realize MI doesn't get "fixed", and peoples' treatment effectiveness can go up and down over time.
Another concern of mine is that due to my being in school and working, I am rushing around and sometimes worry do I check in enough and am I so rushed that she may not feel like I am there for her.
How do you offer support and listening in a way that is meaningful to a person that you don't necessarily see each day?
I'm not in your exact situation, but I do have a lot of experience dealing with depression (both my own as a teenager and now my spouse's).
If you're looking for a way to connect with your daughter that doesn't sound like you're checking up on her or judging her by asking how things are going, try asking about something more specific. If she's in college, ask how one of her classes is going. If she's working, ask how things are going at work. If she regularly spends time with a specific friend or boyfriend, ask how that's going.
You can tell a lot about how things are in general by those other topics. It also takes the focus off of her and makes it more about the other things going on in her life. Sometimes calling to talk about something you're struggling with can help get her talking about her issues - it creates an open safe environment. You share something and she shares something.
You could also call her up and make up an excuse to go do something together and casually chat about things while hanging out. Let her know you're there for her and you're thinking about her without making her feel like she's under a performance review.
My spouse told me once that asking him how he's doing made him feel guilty because his answer would inevitably be negative and would remind him of his "failing" to be doing better. Of course he wasn't failing at anything and had nothing to feel guilty about, but that's how depression works. It makes some people feel worthless and then guilty for not being more worthwhile.
It's a terrible and heartbreaking thing to be dealing with. My support goes out to you. The two of you will get through this.