Depression Supporters Support Group
This community is dedicated to spouses, children, relatives, co-workers and others who are actively supporting someone suffering from depression or other serious mental illness. Depression can bring about intense sadness, melancholia or despair that has advanced to the point of being disruptive, which can have a grave impact on the ability of others trying to help.
Oh why do I toture myself and stay here and take all the carap I get from my husband? I know I stay becuase I love him so but he makes it so hard sometimes for me to bite my tongue and let it go.
So yesterday, he had a disappointment and it was in the morning. He had been looking forward to this event and we had advance tix (i personally hate it but I go with him cuz I kow he loves it) but the line was so long even with advance tix - at least 1000 people. he was pissed - can;t handle that nor can he handle a crowd like that so we left. He complained the whole way home. wasted $70 on those tix. I sympathized. We get home and he is mad so I go shopping. he had planned to spend $140 so I had the cash on me and i said well I will just use it for groceries. Instead I used the debit card for groceries and figured we have the $140 in cash - no bigge - he needs cash for the week anyway as do I becuase he does not have a debit card right now - its getting replaced - old one got broken and we are waiting for replacement to show up. He got all bent out of shape that I don;t trust him and i never tell him anything becuase we had "discussed" this and i spent $$ we did not have. so what is the difference? I was like well you would have gone to the ATM for cash anyway so now you don;t have to we have the cash already. he is mad cuz I said I was using the $140 and I shoudl have done that and then used the debit for the extra in the grocery bill and then taken out $$ for the week - OMG REALLY???? this argument is completely illogical.
Then he tells me that he will not be OK tomorrow and that in the morning I will just be apathetic and think everything is back to normal and act like nothing is wrong. He does not want to live this way and he is not going to be around much longer and he doesn;t feel the same as he did when we first married becuase I dont put him first....oh how I put him first.
You know my life is not what I expected. I have sacrificed constantly and i do it every day. I cannot live like an emotional mess with raw feelings every day like he does becuase one of us has to go to work, paty the bills, make sure the kid has all the little things he needs, maintain releationships with friends and family, make sure he has everything he needs to minimize his symptoms...yeah and I shoudl be super emotional...ugh just frustrated. I bite my tongue every day. I put his needs before my own and even before those of my child sometimes and he NEVER sees it. Always tells me that I don;t think if him and that I always put him last. no - I AM LAST. always
So yesterday, he had a disappointment and it was in the morning. He had been looking forward to this event and we had advance tix (i personally hate it but I go with him cuz I kow he loves it) but the line was so long even with advance tix - at least 1000 people. he was pissed - can;t handle that nor can he handle a crowd like that so we left. He complained the whole way home. wasted $70 on those tix. I sympathized. We get home and he is mad so I go shopping. he had planned to spend $140 so I had the cash on me and i said well I will just use it for groceries. Instead I used the debit card for groceries and figured we have the $140 in cash - no bigge - he needs cash for the week anyway as do I becuase he does not have a debit card right now - its getting replaced - old one got broken and we are waiting for replacement to show up. He got all bent out of shape that I don;t trust him and i never tell him anything becuase we had "discussed" this and i spent $$ we did not have. so what is the difference? I was like well you would have gone to the ATM for cash anyway so now you don;t have to we have the cash already. he is mad cuz I said I was using the $140 and I shoudl have done that and then used the debit for the extra in the grocery bill and then taken out $$ for the week - OMG REALLY???? this argument is completely illogical.
Then he tells me that he will not be OK tomorrow and that in the morning I will just be apathetic and think everything is back to normal and act like nothing is wrong. He does not want to live this way and he is not going to be around much longer and he doesn;t feel the same as he did when we first married becuase I dont put him first....oh how I put him first.
You know my life is not what I expected. I have sacrificed constantly and i do it every day. I cannot live like an emotional mess with raw feelings every day like he does becuase one of us has to go to work, paty the bills, make sure the kid has all the little things he needs, maintain releationships with friends and family, make sure he has everything he needs to minimize his symptoms...yeah and I shoudl be super emotional...ugh just frustrated. I bite my tongue every day. I put his needs before my own and even before those of my child sometimes and he NEVER sees it. Always tells me that I don;t think if him and that I always put him last. no - I AM LAST. always
It's hard- sometimes I know I should leave for me. But I know if I did it would make him unhappier and I would be concerned for him anyways all while I was out.
I think today set him off because it went like this "can i charge $ on iTunes when this new album comes out?" "I think so, which card do I have connected to your iTunes again?" "This one" "oh yeah that's fine to ahead." "I also wanted to go see that new movie tomorrow" "oh I forgot about that- I'll make it happen"
And bam- bad mood hits!!! He normally doesn't ask me for this much stuff in a month... Much less a day. He knew that it was too much to ask for I think that's what it was. I think it dawned on him that he is asking for freebies and I am working hard.
Annoyingly enough I said yes we can do it and he's in a bad mood! Seriously! There's nothing we can do to get these men out of bad moods sometimes! I just don't understand them!
I am feeling so enraged right now I could scream!!! Ahhhhhh!!! I've asked him what's wrong and all he says is oh nothing.
He is actually being very nice overall- he is trying to control himself I know. I can tell he is trying hard to ensure that he doesn't fall into a bad place or be an angry person around me because heaven knows it's not my fault... And he is really trying to control himself. I am glad dr that. The problem is that he is just grumpy because he's controlling himself so here I sit.
I love him and I don't want to ever be without him. Sometimes I wonder if those feelings are reciprocated?
Shinann- all this to just remphasize the twinness of our men:). Man... I can sure promise you that you are not alone!!! I know you've said your family and friends don't understand why you're with him too- I am in the same boat. I have a few select friends whom I can talk to but no family and not most friends!! It's tiring! How do I just make him happy? I've tried forever and I know that I can't make him happy but I sure do try!
I know what you ean about setting them off. It could be something simple and innane. They try, I can see it and I have done therapy myself but in the end, the therapist always comes to the conclusion that I totally know what I am doing and that I totally understand what is going on. I know I can;t make him happy.
This weekend he is back on the "things need to change" bus. However, its not me that needs to change, I cahnge all the time based on his mood. He needs to change his perception of things and change how he holds on to anger, disappointment, boredom...he is bored, I suggested we see Godzilla - he has been waiting for it to come out. Nope. He is being stubborn and choosing to wallow in anger and misery this weekend like he is going to "show me" that his life is miserable and I make it that way...um no I don;t - honestly without me it would be worse and both of us know it. Yesterday he told me if it was not for our son he would be fine with just dying last night.
you know its funny, he constantly says I never believe him and don't trust him, but how can you when they change so often and half of the time I know what is coming out of his mouth is NOT what he really wants to say or how he really feels? Its that stupid disease talking half the time and when he is in control of it he even tells me that.
Sometimes I just can;t wait for monday and work just so I can have a break form constantly analyzing every move I make and every thing I say but then the reverse happens, when I am away, sometimes I can only wonder what is happening at home and what is he doing and what am I going to come home to - you never know.
Some days you come home and they are the wonderful person you married and some days they are weepy and sad and others they are angry and others they are not speaking to you and yet others they are wanting to commit suicide then the next day they are all into therapy and making changes and then still the next day they go out and overspend or drink too much that evening.
Its exhausting sometimes and when its like this I question why I stay more. but then there will be a good stretch and I know its worth it.
I am driving him nuts today becuase he is not happy with me and everytime I try to talk to him he is polite but I can tell is pissed at me becuase I am not acting emotional or upset about the "chat" last night. I am upset but I refuse to let him suck me into his drama. I think he sees his Psych on Wednesday. God I hope that helps. sigh...
Why isn't he happy? How easy would it be for you Shinann to let him support you and try his darnedest to make your every moment happy? I think you'd be pretty happy. I sure know I would!!! I just wish he could see how easy and happy our life(especially his) is!!!