Depression Supporters Support Group
This community is dedicated to spouses, children, relatives, co-workers and others who are actively supporting someone suffering from depression or other serious mental illness. Depression can bring about intense sadness, melancholia or despair that has advanced to the point of being disruptive, which can have a grave impact on the ability of others trying to help.
Hi everyone :)
Things are going well but I need a little advice, help, etc..
Many of you know my situation... Looking at moving to his state in hopes he will be happier and surrounded by loving family and friends- but I fully 100% support us in my state so my fear of having that continue has left us moving into storage and staying with his family for now. Well-today marks week 3 of living with his family and i have to start work in just over a week. I kept my job in our state but was just offered a job in his. So what to do?
Well... My pay out here in his state at the new job is awful in comparison- he will have to help out and pick up the slack. That's the issue. The stress of him HAVING to work scares him. However I also think that him working will help him! He is very upset at the though of returning to my state and my old job and just wants to stay here- but he wants to not feel pressure on him in his state.
I am very supportive- its been 4 years since he left his old job and moved to my state so we could be together. I have never pushed him to do anything- only suggested things he'd enjoy. Am I terrible to feel slightly perturbed? He won't need to work full time just a little bit to get us by. I don't want to take him home into "misery" but I also don't want stay here and kick myself for leaving a place where I could take care of him if he doesn't pick up the slack. Does that make sense?
Ironically on top of it- my job back home is hiring for a position he's COMPLETELY qualified for and paying them a good amount!! We would do so awesome! We could save and save and then go retire in some awesome place (okay pipe dream coming out :). But back to today- am I a horrible person for feeling he's being irrational? I just have worked so hard the last 4 years to make us comfortable and pay off all his debt and keep us comfortable. I worked multiple jobs, sold things, picked up hours like crazy- and now we might go back to struggling spot? I just need his help a little bit. But- you guys know how bad it's gotten. I've been concerned that he is getting worse at times and sometimes it's great. Moving here might fix nothing! It's only a possibility... However he does seem happier here. He laughs, smiles, takes me places- but- we are kind of living vacation because I still have my good pay back home to make this a comfy spot for us right now. I don't know- I just love him and want him to be happy- but sometimes I feel like I am dragging this man around and trying to throw him into happiness and he only feels it if there is no expectation of him- if he had no pressure. As long as I bear the load AND we are doing what he wants: I would do it always if I could but I just need a little help. And I do it all in my state- but he's still unhappy. Ugh... Any thoughts out there? Anyone to tell me I'm not awful to get frustrated? I just feel so badly that I can't make it how he wants it.
Okay- but let me say this so no one thinks I'm too awful: I KNOW this situation isn't bad at all. I have 2 jobs and I just have to pick one :). I know thats a great situation compared to the opposite so I'm not scared or too stressed even. I just wish I could see the future and then choose the job.
Thank you all for listening. :). Tell me what you think :)
Things are going well but I need a little advice, help, etc..
Many of you know my situation... Looking at moving to his state in hopes he will be happier and surrounded by loving family and friends- but I fully 100% support us in my state so my fear of having that continue has left us moving into storage and staying with his family for now. Well-today marks week 3 of living with his family and i have to start work in just over a week. I kept my job in our state but was just offered a job in his. So what to do?
Well... My pay out here in his state at the new job is awful in comparison- he will have to help out and pick up the slack. That's the issue. The stress of him HAVING to work scares him. However I also think that him working will help him! He is very upset at the though of returning to my state and my old job and just wants to stay here- but he wants to not feel pressure on him in his state.
I am very supportive- its been 4 years since he left his old job and moved to my state so we could be together. I have never pushed him to do anything- only suggested things he'd enjoy. Am I terrible to feel slightly perturbed? He won't need to work full time just a little bit to get us by. I don't want to take him home into "misery" but I also don't want stay here and kick myself for leaving a place where I could take care of him if he doesn't pick up the slack. Does that make sense?
Ironically on top of it- my job back home is hiring for a position he's COMPLETELY qualified for and paying them a good amount!! We would do so awesome! We could save and save and then go retire in some awesome place (okay pipe dream coming out :). But back to today- am I a horrible person for feeling he's being irrational? I just have worked so hard the last 4 years to make us comfortable and pay off all his debt and keep us comfortable. I worked multiple jobs, sold things, picked up hours like crazy- and now we might go back to struggling spot? I just need his help a little bit. But- you guys know how bad it's gotten. I've been concerned that he is getting worse at times and sometimes it's great. Moving here might fix nothing! It's only a possibility... However he does seem happier here. He laughs, smiles, takes me places- but- we are kind of living vacation because I still have my good pay back home to make this a comfy spot for us right now. I don't know- I just love him and want him to be happy- but sometimes I feel like I am dragging this man around and trying to throw him into happiness and he only feels it if there is no expectation of him- if he had no pressure. As long as I bear the load AND we are doing what he wants: I would do it always if I could but I just need a little help. And I do it all in my state- but he's still unhappy. Ugh... Any thoughts out there? Anyone to tell me I'm not awful to get frustrated? I just feel so badly that I can't make it how he wants it.
Okay- but let me say this so no one thinks I'm too awful: I KNOW this situation isn't bad at all. I have 2 jobs and I just have to pick one :). I know thats a great situation compared to the opposite so I'm not scared or too stressed even. I just wish I could see the future and then choose the job.
Thank you all for listening. :). Tell me what you think :)
You are not a bad person for being frustrated.
Yes, he is smiling more, etc., but, as you say, he is living a vacation right now.
Will he be as happy if you guys don't have enough money to the pay the bills and he MUST get a job he may not like just to help out? Do you think that he is putting in a lot of effort right now to look for a job or help you solve the financial burden another way?
Also, you say you do not want to make his home misery, but, it seems to me (sorry to be blunt) that he is making your home miserable often and putting all the responsibilities on you.
I know he is depressed, but somewhere he needs to take some responsibility and help you.
I guess the way I make decisions like this is try and skip forward 10 years in my head and look "back" on where I am. What will I wish I had done? Will I feel all the struggle and suffering of one choice was better than the other? It helps me sort things in my head.
Take care!
I can see exactly where you're coming from. You want to move back to his state to help him, but you don't want to lose all the progress you've made in the struggle to keep your head above the financial waters. I'm not too familiar with your situation, but I from what I understand (and forgive me if I'm wrong) you're stuck between taking a chance that might work out to make help him, and staying in the comfortable security of the place where you currently reside--yet knowing that the chance of him getting any better is lower there.
It's a tough decision to make, and I'm not ashamed to say that I'm probably far too young and inexperienced to give you advice. However, I think that it would be best if you stayed in your state and tried to get him to get that job. And then, once you're financially secure enough, you can take a chance and move to his state. Or, if he gets the job and things in your state start looking up, then maybe you could just stay there.
I'm sorry I don't have much to offer you as far as advice goes. But you have my love and support. I'll pray for you and your situation. Please come back on here if you need to talk or vent. I'm a good listener :) keep me updated on how things go!
Take care and God bless!!
--John
Not, I don't think you're awful to be frustrated. You're doing everything in your power to provide for him and help him. You're doing an amazing job :)
--John
I fully agree with everyone. You are not wrong at all to be frustrated. And you are not wrong at all to be contemplating the move back to your state.
From dealing with my husband, here's what I've figured about depression: When my husband needs a reason to be upset, down, or mad at someone, he'll find it. It wouldn't matter if we moved back home for him or not. The depression would keep on him.
So here's how I would look at it: There are four potential outcomes: 1 - your state, your job, financially stable and husband making progress through depression. 2 - your state, your job, financially stable and husband NOT making progress through depression. 3 - his state, lower paying job, potential for loss of financial security, husband making progress through depression. 4 - his state, lower paying job, potential for loss of financial security, husband NOT making progress through depression.
And I guess a question to really answer is whether or not his family will be a critical factor in whether or not he makes progress through depression. Options 3 and 4 may leave you without financial security, and may or may not lead to progress with your husband. Options 1 and 2 leave you with financial security (and I would suggest better emotional security), and maybe a lower potential for your husband to work through the depression.
If it were me, I would stay in my state. It sounds harsh (maybe), but depression is highly irrational and my financial stability means a lot to me.
Best wishes to figure this one out. I wish you weren't faced with this decision. I genuinely feel that you need to ensure that you remain secure if you are going to be able to care for both of you. You've worked hard.
But NO you are NOT terrible!
I'm in an awful spot this morning. I was called late Tuesday night and offered a job. I need to go in in 3.5. Hrs to do the paperwork. I would start Monday.
He has decided we need to go back to my state. There's less pressure on him there. He hates the decision- he's angry and upset about it. He is scared to stay here with the pressure.
If we go back we will not have loving support. We can stay with his family here until we find a place. There we will have to find a place immediately!!! My family will not help because they don't like him. My dad can't even here his name. It feels stupid to me to take him back to that. Ironically that's one reason he wants to go back. He wants to go so my family will never visit me out of state and he will never have to deal with them.
I wish he would be happy with one of the choices- he is user about them both!! Big time!!! :(. I am so scared of his depression- I can't handle it. It's so much better here. I know it won't always be but he's already depressed about leaving here.
I'm just so bummed.
If anyone is out there in the next 2 hours before I have to truly decide I'd love to hear from you :)
Thanks friends. :)
I can't tell you what you should do because what would be good for me in your situation may not work for you. Just know we are here for you. :-) (HUGS!!)
I have ZERO support from my family at home and TONS from his here. It makes me wonder. I have two jobs you guys. TWO!! One in each state... they both start in days and I have to decide. I imagine we will decide tomorrow night or Monday morning.
I am SO scared to take him back to my home and have my family be AWFUL and him be MISERABLE and me just bearing through it.
At least this would be a change?
Financially is what stops him from wanting to stay here. There is financial pressure on him here. BUT... there should be there too... we will struggle a little either way. He wants to try his hand at writing and I can support us another year while he tries out there.
But, if that doesn't go well I fear we are postponing the inevitable and at this point our stuff is already packed I already have a job its easier.
But, if it does go well we can stay in my state that I love and I can keep working and he can keep writing and bringing in money that way.
I am not TOO stressed... but I am stressed. It is such a quick decision to be made.
I will let you know and regardless I will be a member of this board forever. You've helped me so much!! :)
Thank you to you all!!
Good luck :)