Depression Supporters Support Group
This community is dedicated to spouses, children, relatives, co-workers and others who are actively supporting someone suffering from depression or other serious mental illness. Depression can bring about intense sadness, melancholia or despair that has advanced to the point of being disruptive, which can have a grave impact on the ability of others trying to help.
I am new to this group and have never been a part of a support group before but am hoping it may help me feel a little less alone during a difficult time. I am married to an absolutely amazing man who has major depression along with some psychotic features (hearing voices, though not in the schizophrenic sense because he doesn’t have any issues telling what is real and what isn’t). He has always had trouble finding any medications that have truly helped any of his symptoms, but can do generally well for quite long stretches. But as I’m sure people on this site have experienced, when he experiences an episode of major depression, he turns into a different person. The man I love so much disappears inside of this shell and can’t get out. Right now is one of those times. I don’t have many very close friends - my husband is my best friend. So when he is feeling like this I feel very very alone. I worry about so many things. I worry about when he’ll feel better. I worry that his new medication that seemed promising isn’t working anymore. I worry that he’ll miss work and that will not look good to his managers. And most of all I worry about losing the man I love someday, that he’ll have one of these severe episodes and never be able to climb out. It’s so hard to feel these things in the first place, and to not have anyone to talk to about my worries. I am hoping this site will be a way to talk to others who have similar worries, so we can provide some support for each other.
Those worries resonate so deeply with me.
I, too, have a partner with severe depression. We have been together for only 5 years and the past 3 have been affected in some way or another by depression. I feel like 3 years ago it started, 2 years ago it was at it's worst, and now it seems to be getting better until it's not. It seems like your husband is going to therapy and working with a psychiatrist - that's awesome! My partner is working with a therapist as well and he's been going for the past 6 months. I can't describe the relief I felt when he finally started to go.
Right now, he is in yet another dip down... maybe similar to your husband? It worries me that he feels so alone and hopeless. And it worries me that I can't seem to do anything to help. He still gets up and goes to work and he even is able to make it out to see his friends and when he's with them it seems like everything is fine. But when he's at home... he's so quiet. He doesn't do much, doesn't eat well, doesn't sleep well. It's so hard for me to remember that I'm not causing him to feel this way or that there's nothing I can really do to help except just be around if he finds the energy to talk.
Additionally, for as worried as I am, I also just feel alone and I'm torn between feeling like that must be miniscule compared to what he feels but at the same time that makes me feel angry because it's as if my feelings don't matter. He hasn't made me feel that way.... it's all in my own head.
It's struggle.
I'm not sure I've helped at all but I just want you to know that you're not alone in this - I'm with ya, too. All those worries are real and not unjustified.
It's really nice to hear from someone who can relate. I'm glad your partner is working with a therapist. My husband starting seeing a psychiatrist pretty recently and she is the first psychiatrist who has really listened to him and seen him as a human and not as a psychiatric illness. It has been really nice that he has someone he is willing to see consistently - obviously it is hard to keep going to someone when they don't listen.
It sounds like we are both doing the right thing by being available to support our partners when they need us, but that obviously takes its toll. Have you thought about seeing a therapist yourself? I have always been pretty resistant to the idea myself (which is silly since I have always tried to encourage my husband to go) but I think it might be a good idea. It's really hard to support someone who is going through depression. And the feelings you describe sound really valid. I feel angry sometimes too. And sometimes I feel so frustrated - when we have to cancel plans because of depression, or if I feel selfish and just want things to be a little easier. :)
Take care of yourself, and thanks again for your reply.
Mostly, I try not to take it personally, and I remember the man I fell in love with, which gives me strength.
You're not alone, we are here. Thank you for making me feel better. And I hope you feel better to!
It's hard to find a balance between letting myself feel my own emotions and letting them be valid but also understanding that what causes me disappointment or anger or sadness isn't my partner but my partner's depression. They're so hard to differentiate sometimes?? And I can't help but let a sneaky thought creep in telling me it's about me and how I'm not good enough or that it's about him and he's doing everything to me on purpose because he doesn't care.
And Dweeze... I absolutely thought about getting a therapist and last year after 2 months of hardly any intimacy or even just chatting or being in the same room with my partner because of an especially consuming bout of depression I finally reached out to one. It was the best choice I've made for myself and for our relationship. I went because of my partner's depression but honestly I've found that it's been helpful in so many other areas of my life, too. But absolutely go!! You will so love yourself for that choice. I'll be honest... when I went the first time I felt like I was whining, like other people have real problems and I couldn't believe I was wasting my therapists time with my problems. But after that first session (or, really the first 3) I really started to open up and my therapist helped me stop dismissing my own worries, fears, hurt, and other emotions. There are days when I still feel like my problems aren't worth going to therapy for... but I know that isn't true but if for some reason I can't get over it I just tell myself "Well, that means your therapist got an easy session today with you!!" and that makes me feel a little better. And honestly, when I come back home and I realize I'm a better partner because of my therapy it makes it all worth it. Plus, you're right -- you've been advocating for your partner to attend therapy so why would you not advocate such a positive step for yourself as well? I say absolutely go for it!!