Depression Supporters Support Group
This community is dedicated to spouses, children, relatives, co-workers and others who are actively supporting someone suffering from depression or other serious mental illness. Depression can bring about intense sadness, melancholia or despair that has advanced to the point of being disruptive, which can have a grave impact on the ability of others trying to help.
Hello my friends :)
I know it's been too long between posts lately for me. I miss writing with each of you. I just wanted to explain.
I have been so very emotional lately when it comes to dealing with everything like this. I can't keep myself together. I come in and I read and I inevitably cry. But the thing is I will feel great 1 minute and terrible the next- my moods are jumpy around all over. I feel it is unfair of me to post in such a state because I become so needy and so sad. It's just such a mess.
Today though... Well maybe yesterday. I noticed that my ups and downs are following his. I've trained myself so well to not follow his moods- keep myself separate from depression that's not mine. But somehow- I have fallen back into that old routine.
He has been so angry and so upset. It's a little more directed at me since we returned to my hometown than ever before, he wants to go back to his hometown. He wants to be there- everything's better there. Some of you know already from previous posts that I did EVERYTHING to move us there!!! What else can I possibly do besides force him to e there which would anger him too? I don't feel guilty, I just feel scared. I want to be with him. But he doesn't want to be here- so he knows that means he needs to take care of the move. I made this very clear to him and he was very much on board with this. Now... He doesn't want to try anything. Nothing. So... Is he going to leave me? Is he going to run away? Am I not worth it for him to be here? I'm okay right now :). I just thing that subconsciously all these things are running through my mind and making my emotions run wild with his.
I'm trying to gain control of them- especially because watching my emotions go crazy does no good for him and his emotions. I am hit desperately trying to regain my control over myself and my happiness. Lately I've really recognized that things have never gotten better since that day my dad came over (most of you know what I mean... Terrible day for my poor depressed man!). So... I decided that it's time to stop trying with dad at all. If he ever wants to come into my life he will. I hada picture of my dad and I on the wall in our old home and it was replaced today. I also had a picture of him and his mom up which was quickly removed. These two are toxic to our love and our relationship. They are more than welcome to join our lives when they want to be a positive part of it, until then they are out.
I just need to make things happy again. We were looking at houses and living here forever until that day my dad stopped by. We were smiling. I know there were bad times too- but my goodness!!! I miss the good times and the smiles.
I must regain my own emotional control! I will! I just wanted to let you all know what's been going on and why I've been absent so much lately. But I'm here and reading- just avoiding posting because I'm not the most rational lately :)
I know it's been too long between posts lately for me. I miss writing with each of you. I just wanted to explain.
I have been so very emotional lately when it comes to dealing with everything like this. I can't keep myself together. I come in and I read and I inevitably cry. But the thing is I will feel great 1 minute and terrible the next- my moods are jumpy around all over. I feel it is unfair of me to post in such a state because I become so needy and so sad. It's just such a mess.
Today though... Well maybe yesterday. I noticed that my ups and downs are following his. I've trained myself so well to not follow his moods- keep myself separate from depression that's not mine. But somehow- I have fallen back into that old routine.
He has been so angry and so upset. It's a little more directed at me since we returned to my hometown than ever before, he wants to go back to his hometown. He wants to be there- everything's better there. Some of you know already from previous posts that I did EVERYTHING to move us there!!! What else can I possibly do besides force him to e there which would anger him too? I don't feel guilty, I just feel scared. I want to be with him. But he doesn't want to be here- so he knows that means he needs to take care of the move. I made this very clear to him and he was very much on board with this. Now... He doesn't want to try anything. Nothing. So... Is he going to leave me? Is he going to run away? Am I not worth it for him to be here? I'm okay right now :). I just thing that subconsciously all these things are running through my mind and making my emotions run wild with his.
I'm trying to gain control of them- especially because watching my emotions go crazy does no good for him and his emotions. I am hit desperately trying to regain my control over myself and my happiness. Lately I've really recognized that things have never gotten better since that day my dad came over (most of you know what I mean... Terrible day for my poor depressed man!). So... I decided that it's time to stop trying with dad at all. If he ever wants to come into my life he will. I hada picture of my dad and I on the wall in our old home and it was replaced today. I also had a picture of him and his mom up which was quickly removed. These two are toxic to our love and our relationship. They are more than welcome to join our lives when they want to be a positive part of it, until then they are out.
I just need to make things happy again. We were looking at houses and living here forever until that day my dad stopped by. We were smiling. I know there were bad times too- but my goodness!!! I miss the good times and the smiles.
I must regain my own emotional control! I will! I just wanted to let you all know what's been going on and why I've been absent so much lately. But I'm here and reading- just avoiding posting because I'm not the most rational lately :)
But please don't ever feel like you can't vent here because you Might be too Needy. That's what this group is here for after all! For both your good days and your toughest days.
I also know we've all said this before but it sounds like you need to hear it again. You have done EVERYTHING you could do already to make him happy or to chose a place to live that would be the best for him. In the end you had to go with the one that would make the most financial sense so that you both could live comfortably. So in the end if he's not happy, he's going to have to make his own happiness. You can't do it for him. You have already been such a wonderful supportive girlfriend to him already. Seriously, you should te a medal for how selfless and supportive you have been. :) so please remember that and try not to beat yourself up over what didn't work out.
Also I wanted to say that it sounds like your moods and feelings are very normal and to be expected. Just try to continue to take care of yourself. Maybe allow yourself 10 minutes a day to sit alone and fall apart in the bathroom if you need to since I understand you don't want to do it around him. You deserve to have your time to feel your feelings as well if that's what you need to do.
Just hang in there. We're all here for you. :)
I am sorry it took so long to get back to you. So very sick this week and still recovering.
So...
Everything Ski said :-D
And one line you said stood out in particular, "I just need to make things happy again." My question is, "for who (whom?)?"
You can not make someone else happy. It is not possible. You can do everything in your power to try to make them happy (which you have done), but you can not make them happy.
And, from the progression of your posts, I can see it hurting you to try.
"Am I not worth it to be here?" Does he control whether you are worth it or not? Your self-worth is not his to determine. The most important thing is how you feel about yourself. And, in my eyes, your view of yourself is crumbling under all this pressure. Maybe I am wrong, but it is something to think about.
A good friend of mine had a horrible mother growing up. Her mom was manipulative and controlling and verbally abusive. My friend did everything she could to make her mom happy for as long as she could remember. No matter what she tried, her mom was never happy.
She left home at 18 when her mom became physically abusive. It took her 6 years to sort through the guilt, PTSD, etc., before coming to realize it was her mom's fault that her mom wasn't happy. Not hers. Her mom blamed everyone and everything else, would not go to counseling or take medicine, etc. Yet it was my friend who suffered.
I guess the point in telling you this is HE needs to take responsibility for feeling better. He keeps putting the burden back onto you and you keep trying to shoulder it so you can be a good person and because you love him. I certainly am not saying that he sounds anywhere as bad as my friend's mom, but the same principle applies.
You can not take the burden for both of you all the time. Once in a while, of course, that is part of a relationship.
I am not trying to be hard; I truly care and I constantly hope he will get better. And I am worried that you are sacrificing too much when he is sacrificing very little.
I hope this finds you doing a little better!
Take care of yourself.
You know... I know I have done everything possible for him. There is nothing left in me to do for him... I truly have given up on trying to make him happy. It is his choice and job now.
And Chris, you're right.. It has been hurting me to continually try to make him happier and feel better.
But I am okay... I'm actually good. I think just dealing with him and trying to stay separate from his emotions is so hard. So Ski.. You're right I believe that it's just normal for my emotions to be going AWOL right now. They've been calming down.
I think honestly the journey i have been taking for the past 11 monts since I have joined this group had a pit stop.
You see- I was on the way to being hands off, realizing this is not my fault whatsoever and truly making peace with the fact that this is how he is and there's nothing I can do about it except to be myself and just be happy. Well- last march when my father came to the house I felt such guilt. It threw my love into such a deep depression and desperate state of "I must leave this place" that I felt awful. My father had done this and made this so horrible! I felt so guilty that it was my dad who had done this so I fell into my old habits of pleasing him in anyway I could and begging him to be happy. Jumping through hoops and over hurdles and in the end hurting myself to try and make him happy. I graduated last spring and I just had them mail me my diploma... No ceremony... No party... No telling anyone really. In fact more people on here no about it than everyone else.
Once we came back and I had gone through so much in my life to try to make him happy again... Once we came back I began this journey of just letting him be so that I can be happy.
I can feel I am so close... It's like I'm just a step away from being apart from his emotions and his depression completely. Almost like I refuse to acknowledge it? I felt myself getting there last spring and all came crashing down. But I feel even closer now :). It feels good. I think it's just an emotional journey :)
Chris.. You mentioned my self worth. It has suffered over time. I truly believe I look so much older just having gone through this all. But it's not bad at all. I only ask if I'm worth it for him to stay here because I just can't imagine leaving a person simply because you hate the place you live. I would work hard to make it possible for me to take care of that person and make things happy in a new place- which is obvious because I have been supporting him and have given him a better life than he had before here in my place. It just blows my kind he wouldn't do that for me. But my self worth is strong- I am pretty awesome and I like me. In staying with him I have to keep this at the forefront of my thoughts. And if I were to end up alone... I would relish my life doing exactly what I want and picking up things I have let go of :)