It's been well over a year (probably closer to 2) that my hubs has been dealing with depression (it's only in the past month that things have been truly terrible). One of the things that is so hard to on my mind is the "me me me' mindset they get into. They feel that everything is their fault, everything happens to them, everything is against them. I've tried so hard to remember that it's the illness but on days when I'm stressed or at the end of my rope, I feel like the "me" issue is childish and selfish. I don't have the luxury to take things personally and show it - I have to put on my game face and get on with life. They are a victim of an illness, but they aren't victims of everything else. They feel that way though, and it makes living that much harder for those around them. If only they could see the fortune and misfortune that others experience daily. So hard to find the balance between patience and trying to get him to accept what he has power over, and to NOT take everything in the world as a personal slight on him.

I wish I could snap my fingers and show him that everyone's just getting up each morning and trying to do their best, and that HE has the power over how that affects him.

Such a delicate dance... I like the eggshell image and also "saw" a thin balance beam that you try to walk on without falling and crunching the eggshells. Learned to pick my battles. Like your exercise. To show joy, to invite to join, even if it means only a five minute exercise period instead of your planned time. Sometimes we have to choose those battles where instead of sitting in the dark we offer a light. Small steps. Small battles but the battles that give us the heart and strength we need ourselves to stay strong and centered.

Gentle light coming your way...

Thank you to you both :)
I appreciate having someone to listen. I feel my strength leaving me over the past week or so. He has been extra anxious and nervous and therefore extra depressed. It is wearing on me and I feel myself struggling to stay strong.
I am feeling a lot of fear over the past week, fear that he will up and leave, fear that he will give up on us, and fear that if I don't run away with him from all his fears... I will regret it. And at the same time fear that if I do run away with him from all his fears.... I will regret it.
I am trying very hard to carry conversations and hold meaningful conversations about this. About... how are we going to cope? Is this something where you feel we MUST leave?
Then... today a quote fell into my lap. I didn't even read it until I read it outloud to him... it was a reminder for myself. It said, "a goal without a plan is merely a dream."
He constantly complains about my having to plan EVERYTHING. I am a major planner I will admit. I know what I am eating tomorrow and every stop I will make during the day. He wants to just go with it and see what happens. This quote needs to stay at the forefront of my brain to keep me grounded.
I am more than happy to go anywhere he wants to go... anywhere honestly. I just want us to be able to survive and do well there and live comfortably.
I just have to stay strong... I can't let myself fall into the depression too... I can't.
Notenoughcoffee... you mentioned the "me" issue. Oh man I have this too... It is hard to chalk up all the selfishness and center of the universeness to depression. I honestly think it might have come first... that as a child being selfish and center of the universe worked in their small worlds of their family and home life... and as an adult it doesn't work. So it depresses them. I don't know the situation of your husband at all but this is something I see on my end.
I hope you are well, thank you for all your kind words and well wishes. And thank you for all your positive energy nature walker.

I was thinking about you today, notenoughcoffee, because you had mentioned how you felt the adrenaline surges and panics. Today is a particularly bad day for me as far as that goes. I finally just took a lorazepam to get my blood pressure back down. Don't really like taking those kind of meds, but I'm bad enough at this point to need it. Talked on the phone to my husband last night. He had fun playing board games with his host family's 11 year old son. Great. And he admitted that he felt some relief that his own 6 year old son will mature faster than he assumed. But he still doesn't feel like he's at a place where he can come home. And he doesn't know when he might get to that place. The longer this drags out, the more fear I have that he will decide he wants to make this arrangement permanent. I do know that I can't do this forever. I have to do this as long as I'm financially dependent, but if I'm lucky, I can fix that by fall. But I'm also really afraid of being on my own. We got married right out of college, so I've never been an adult on my own. I found a counselor who does phone sessions and I have an appointment tomorrow night. Hopefully, she can help me work through my own anxiety.

Thralkr, I have been taking lorazepam twice daily for 2 weeks. If I don't, the stress gives me heart arrhythmia. What a way to live! I hope that one day I won't need it. It was previously something I took twice a month or so, when I was in a high stress job.

I pray for your session to go well tomorrow. And I pray for all of us here - this is hard and it's even harder when you have to be the strong one while still focusing on not making the wrong moves that may anger, depress or upset the other person.

Life takes funny turns. Last night, my husband made the decision that he wants to separate and will not make the effort to try and fix what is going on between us. I have to accept it, and with the situation being that I don't have an income, I have to really buckle down and make some big changes. Shelf the growing business and get a job that will pay the bills sufficiently. Find a new home for my son and myself to live in. Deal with my family who think that i should be trying harder. They don't seem to understand that for all we've been through, I'd go through it all again and more if he'd be willing to work with me on our marriage. Try to still support him in his depression but trying not to lose my mind when he wants to tell me how terrible he feels about ending the marriage. I'm sorry, but that's one I will need to let him work out himself.

I have been a single mother before. From the time my son was born until he was 9, i was on my own. Despite everything that is going on, I am an optimist about things and believe that every day is a new one where we can start fresh and have the life we choose. If things go the way you're thinking, just know that you'll get through because that's the choice you have. Not always easy, but worth it for yourself and the kids.

Be kind to yourself tonight, everyone. :)

and a gentle light to you notenoughcoffee...and as you said, for all here. Thank you my friend for your amazing heart.

I notice them all the time and war with myself over the soothe him vs soothe me decisions.
I'm very lucky that regardless of his state of mind we have very open communications. Last week was hard for both of us. On our scheduled date night we went out as planned but left dinner early, the restaurant was getting too full and he was shutting down, we tried to stop at a bar that is very quiet but again we left halfway through my drink. When we got home I curled up and cried. He was upset by this and when I was done I apologized for upsetting him and reminded him that just because I was willing to deal with this issue didn't mean it was easy for me. Result of that is I got my cuddles I so desperately needed while being given permission to cry and let it out since I wasn't upset with him.
It's taken years to get to this point. When I'm overwhelmed if I can just point out that he's making me choose between his "well being" that is unlikely to change regardless of if I"m there or not, and my well being. He always stops the pressure and lets me go take care of me (mostly excercise) and if I can do something to help him feel better when I return then I do so. More often than not he admits his mood will stay the same regardless.
As a couple we've decided one of us should be happy since one of us is not capeable most days.
Stay strong brownielove

notenoughcoffee, your view on your husband's decision is amazing. I know it's still incredibly difficult and throws your whole life out of balance and you don't even get a say in it. I have not been a single mom before, so it scares me a lot. My kids have been largely unaffected by this "break" so I'm very grateful for that. I don't have an income either, and that part really scares me. My counselor yesterday (I found one who does phone sessions) said in my state I'd be well taken care of in any settlement. But I know my husband could not support two households. And then there is the issue of how I do daycare drop offs and pick ups by myself. Most children I know are dropped off by one parent and picked up by another so that each parent isn't pressured to compact their work day into daycare hours. I wouldn't have any choice but to figure it out, I suppose.
notenoughcoffee, I think I could stand to take the lorazepam more often, but I've been worried about the whole addiction thing. Have you had any issues taking it that long? I'd sure like to bring my blood pressure down a bit more.

Hi all. I hope you are all being kind to yourselves and taking care. :)

Tralkr, I haven't found any issues with feeling dependent on the Lorazepam. Is it addictive? I have been without it for a few days now and have not noticed anything. That would be definitely something to discuss with your doctor if you are concerned. My doctor felt I was fine to take it twice daily on an as-needed basis. But everyone is different.

I know this sounds simplistic, but you will be fine - and strong enough to handle everything - no matter what happens. We all will. One of the things that my training as a life coach, and my new training as nlp/consulting hypnotist practitioner, is that we are all magnificent...we have everything inside us to be and do what we want to and need to. You will reach inside and find everything you need, when you need it. Life is amazing like that.

My husband has had a change of heart. We had an extremely tumultuous full day of frank and painful communication, and I'm not sure if it's when I lost my s--- or if it was something else, but he almost seemed to come out of his personal swirling vortex and he made the decision that he wanted what we used to have - he wants to "be the person he was when he was happy". He is getting help - through e-counseling (not sure if i'm convinced about that method) and also through upcoming in-person counseling. We will be going to marriage counseling as well. i don't believe for a minute that everything is perfect - we have a lot ahead of us and it will be a bumpy road. But we will do it together. I could cry from relief that he finally "let me in".

I don't know where you all are, but I am sending my energy your way to help you face whatever your day looks like today. xo

So glad to hear your good news. Hopefully your husband has "hit bottom" and is ready to take the steps he needs.
My husband came for dinner last night since it was our son's birthday. Our son asked when he was coming back, and he said he didn't know. I hate that uncertainty. Tonight was the science fair at our son's school. Husband told our son at his birthday dinner that he was going to come, but then called me in late afternoon to say that he had to work late and couldn't. Son was disappointed, but moved on from it.
I'm mostly able to maintain a small sense of calm but I still have my moments of panic. I even look at personals ads just to confirm that there are other fish in the sea and I wouldn't be alone forever. We're planning a date night for Sunday evening. But I really just want my family back. In the end, I think I don't get to choose if that happens. I'm working on trying to live my life with or without him, but it's tough. If there were not kids in the picture, I don't think I'd be able to do this.

I hope that your date night goes well. :) You deserve to have a happy day.

I was thinking of eggshells last night. It's been a very difficult few weeks for me with the yo-yo of hubs going between "wants to be married to me" and "doesn't want to be married to me". The past two days have been extremely difficult as I have been supporting my oldest friend (oldest as we've been friends for 38 of our 40 years) whose husband passed suddenly at 42 - healthy as can be, the best outlook in life, and they were so in love - the kind that makes both people blossom within it and is based on the closest of friendships. They had the fairy tale that we all dream of.

Yesterday when I got home from an extremely emotional, sad and draining funeral, I'd been thinking that hubs and I hadn't talked in a few days, aside from the basic "dinner's ready" and I've become sensitive to the fact that we're not talking much again. I felt like he was drawing within again. I asked him "Are we ok?" and I think it was my way of telling him that I needed reassurance that he still wanted to work things out together - it's only been a few days since he decided he did. I explained that I'd been feeling something weird and I wasn't sure if it was just me or if there was something wrong and that sometimes I just need reassurance. He didn't answer the question. Instead, he got angry with me. "I feel like I'm under the microscope. Now I don't even feel like I can be tired or anything."

If he only knew that as a wife that wants his happiness, I've always been this sensitive to his moods and actions...the difference being that I asked him today, rather than just sitting inside my own head and trying to guess what was wrong.

So in essence, I didn't get reassurance and only succeeded in making him angry. Part of me is angry right back - "That's right, lovey, everything is about you and my emotional needs don't matter. You go ahead and stay in your little WORLD OF ME where everything is a personal affront". And the other part is sad because I angered him and didn't mean to make things more stressful for him in his own mind.

I'm tired. -_-

I get that same angry response when I make suggestions or ask questions that I intend as helpful or ways to open communication but he interprets as an insult. I totally get what it's like when they think everything is a personal affront and are oblivious to how you're feeling. It's almost 3 weeks since my husband went on this "break." He said he's done some thinking about his timeline but wants to talk about it on our evening out tomorrow. I'm hopeful that this means he's decided he can come back now, but also terrified this means he's decided he either doesn't know (still) or that he doesn't want to come back at all. And if he decided he's coming back, can we move on from this and build our family? Because I've been through 3 weeks of grieving a loss and I don't want to do it all over again in a year.

Today has been a bad day. My husband is struggling with his first major depressive episode. We haven't been married that long, and had problems in our relationship before all of this. Like we needed one more thing.

I know what you mean about eggshells, or the me mentality. I feel so blamed and belittled most days. I can't say or do anything right anymore. Any problems that exist are now mine or our marriages. He lectures me 2-3 times a week in circular blame spirals. It cuts deep, and my self esteem is shaken to the core.

We have couples and individual therapy. I'm not sure what his individual therapist is doing, other than allowing him to minimzie his symptoms. I try to bring this up with him and he gets defensive. Two days ago, he told me he was tired of feeling so sad, tired...the sleep problems, concentration problems, irritability, etc...But yesterday he said his depression is all better...

Our couples therapist is having us work on communication. He sees me looking sad, and asks me about it. When I try to tell him I feel hurt, its more blame circles. He storms off yesterday and today to sleep in a separate bed. He wants me to hear and validate him, to listen to his feelings. I do, then I ask him what he needs from me. "to not argue."

What does one do? I'm saying prayers tonight, for all those depressed, and those who suffer depression fallout.