Depression Supporters Support Group
This community is dedicated to spouses, children, relatives, co-workers and others who are actively supporting someone suffering from depression or other serious mental illness. Depression can bring about intense sadness, melancholia or despair that has advanced to the point of being disruptive, which can have a grave impact on the ability of others trying to help.
My boyfriend has clinical depression but refuses to see anyone about it. This has been ongoing since December 2017 and it's honestly incredibly draining. He has no idea why he's upset half the time but absolutely refuses to see anyone about it. It frustrates me to no end because it has been going on for so long and he won't listen to anyone at all. We are long distance as well and see each other for 4 days every 2 weeks so it's extremely hard to deal with over the phone or text. He is so dry and replies with one word answers like 'yeah' or 'okay' and that's all he'll say for ages. It's so hard to maintain a conversation with him and everytime I try to talk about it he just pushes me away.
I feel so mentally drained and feeling like crying every single time he's like this. I feel utterly useless and alone. I don't know how else to help him if he won't help himself. Breaking up isn't an option though because I love him with all my heart and when he's not depressed he's the most sweet, loving and caring person in the world. I just want him to see someone and talk to a professional about this because I can only handle so much. I don't know what to do anymore. Any advice or tips would be incredibly useful thank you!
As someone who is viewing this situation from a distance, I have to ask you: why is breaking up not an option? That is scary language to hear. Of course, you might mean that you love him and that you are committed to him; but I have to wonder what kind of relationship you have if leaving, to you, is really not an option in your mind.
As a living human being, you deserve to experience love in this life.
Imagine this scenario: you have a friend whose husband is an alcoholic. When he isn't drunk, he is charming and a good father. When he is drunk he is the worst. Your friend has tried to get him to go to AA and stop drinking, but he flatly refuses to go. My question to you is this: what kind of love is that man showing to those around him? Is that love? To ignore his issues to the detriment of those closest to him?
I wrote a post called "Against Depression" and it addresses what I think is central to your situation.
Briefly put, there was a time when my wife was not against-her-depression. She was simply someone-with-depression and it didn't matter how her depression burdened our marriage. It wasn't until I took a stand that she realized that she needed to make a change.
Until you change your stance with your boyfriend's inaction, he will continue to hurt you and himself. Why wouldn't he? He gets to have your love without showing love himself. Now, you might argue back in your mind that he does many nice things for you. That may be the case.
But is he willing to tackle the fundamental problem in the relationship? From what you have said, he has not.
It is not your boyfriend's job to rid himself of depression, to suddenly become happy and easy-going. It is, however, his job to be against his depression; to fight against it like a cancer and to take serious the damage it does to those who love him.
If he isn't willing to do that, I have to ask, again, what kind of love he is showing you.
Your example with the alcoholic father makes a lot of sense. I guess I would have to answer with not a lot of love or not love at all - just someone trying to cling onto the people that help and support without trying to help themselves in any way.
I have changed my stance and I've tried to tell him countless times. We talk about it all the time when we are together and it feels like he understands but it just goes back to being the same thing when we are apart. I understand what you said about him getting all my love and not having to show any himself. That is a problem for me and I honestly don't now what to do about it. I've talked to him about this a million times and he's always sorry but it always happens again. Sometimes I feel like in his mind the way he feels triumphs the way I feel.