About twice a month as I'm driving to work I have a long discussion with myself. Basically I'm venting about all the things that frustrate me... I have no one I can go to with these ventings. I have wonderful friends and a wonderful family and his family is awesome! But no one wants to hear these things... If progress were made it would be different I think but some of these things will always be this way. So I vent alone, out loud, in the car. This morning I'm not working so I don't have this time to do this and as I was in the kitchen thinking my venting... I thought why not try it out here... To you guys :)
Just to preface things are neutral with us right now... He's just quiet not silent and just bummed out not furious... It's a good weekend. But these thoughts just creep up and I need to loosen my pressure valve.

So it's been over 3 years of him not working. He is lazy that's just the fact of it... I can't sugar coat that at all. His family doesn't know... They think he works full time. This is infuriating to me!!! I hate that he lies... He knows this. He wants to move, he wants money, he wants stuff, and he complains like crazy when he sees lazy people who complain that they can't get more out of life! Ugh...
Moving to a small town is his #1 desire. I have done everything for this! We were suppose to move last summer... I got the job, but I had to be there quick so I needed him to help me pack up and drive a few states away. This was too stressful... So I told him flat out "look I will live anywhere you want to be... But you HAVE to help out financially! I can't do this any more.". He said staying put would keep a lot of anxiety at bay so he could look for work... So we stayed.
I have given him many options (I believe every option)
1.) I will pay to move him out there and he can figure it out and get our life out there started.
2.) he can apply for financial aid and finish college anywhere he wants and I will go ( he had his BA when we met.. It was a lie and he has always promised he would finish it... He has one semester to go to graduate)
3.) I will get the job and get started out there then he can pack up and wrap up here.
4.) we can both look for work an get jobs and go together at the same time

What else is there? There are variations to all these options I've made available and known to him... I can't think of any other way to help with this. He wants me to do it all! He doesn't want to work ever again... This is obvious. He comes from wealth and feels like he always has a cushion to fall on. He does really. It's infuriating! I am glad his family will take care of him... But he could have so much more if he did things too. And right now... They don't support him... I do. I have been very good at not giving in to get him the things he wants. This is terrible for him and terrible for me. It's not fair for me and I have to remember it's ok to keep things fair and even with us. He doesn't work so he shouldn't get to get things all the time. Especially because I literally can't afford them.

I have a weird issue with cleanliness... The idea of living alone to have things be clean my way all the time sounds amazing!!! He is a slob. Literally, he will not change into clean clothes for weeks and they smell awful! He won't put dirty clothes in the laundry basket or clean clothes away. He doesn't put garbage in the garbage can. For three years I have spent the weekends making the house spotless only to have it be disgusting by Tuesday. There is nothing in the world that can make me break down and cry like this can. I wake up an hour earlier every morning to clean the kitchen prior to work... It's a mess when I get home. So for the past month I've been trying to be calm and not get upset at the messy house. I've been just relaxing and taking deep breaths and cleaning at my leisure rather than breaking down and hitting rock bottom with the mess. I used to have the home people would come to at anytime... I love having people over! Now... People don't come over... I don't invite them and he's so awkward with them. He is angry that there are people and he literally smells bad... Which carries throughout the house. I open the doors every morning to air out the place (he doesn't want doors open because people can see in) while he's still sleeping. I burn fragrance oils every afternoon to make sure our place smells good. I work very hard to keep things picked up and clean... But I don't know what to do about his side of the bed and his smell and clothes. He literally gets angry that I want to wash his clothes. A couple weeks ago we were in the car and he thought we drove over something dead... It was him! I told him very nicely... He didn't like this. Then when we got home he changed his clothes and then said he realized it was him.

My parents (Especially Dad) have given up on him. He basically doesn't exist to him. I sat down with my dad and asked him to overlook all these problems and just be nice to him.. My dad can't do it. So this thanksgiving I will be at my parents for dinner and here with him alone for the rest of the day. His family is unaware of everything. They think he works they think he has friends here (he has some in his hometown a few states away but they, except one, think the same ad his family). I am not even sure where to go anymore. I take 3 steps forward and then depending on the day I take anywhere from 2-4 steps back.
He's gone to therapy twice. They want him on meds an to go to group therapy. Both are out of the question for him. So here we are. This weekend he's just blah...
I just wonder... What's in our future?
So I will always work... I will not give him what's he wants financially. So am I always going to be the woman with a shut in man at home? It has to change somehow... But how?
Anything that anyone can say will help. Just having response is great. Thank you :)