I have been dealing with my depressed boyfriend for about two and a half months. We've been together 6 years and this is the first time he has been in such a deep depression. And YES, I have 5 1/2 years of amazing memories every day that sit with me. His laugh, his smile, his jokes, his kisses....I have not had "my guy" for about 2 1/2 months and I miss all of that.
For me it has been a difficult. Those memories are what I cry about every day. In a sense, they are helping me mourn the loss of the man I don't have right now. Also "love" CD's he used to make me...I listen to convince myself he still loves me...but just isn;t capable of loving me the way he used to right now.
So I totally get it...but my suggestion is try not to sit in those memories too long, because they can hurt a lot. I have been in never ending sobs thinking of my guy who just isn't here anymore. So refer to them, know they are there...but then turn and focus on yourself. Keeping yourself busy, taking care of you is really what is going to save your mind from spinning in all directions.

I have only been dealing with this for a few months but from what I know of this disease is he IS in there. He will come back. And new wonderful memories will be made. So I live there. Knowing that this will pass at some point and that anything I am not feeling or receiving from him is not him, but the depression talking.

Writing this has actually helped me get my day going :) Ha! So good luck! And give yourself a hug. You deserve it

I'm glad you're trying to focus on the good times and your memories :) sometimes that's all we have during the dark times during their depression.
I have done the same things. My husband is navy so we have tons of letters and emails from our earlier days together. One day I stumbled across one of the sweetest emails he wrote me and I put it in my purse for a while to look at it when I needed to remind myself that he is still in there, that I didn't just imagine the man I married. Haha. Sometimes it might make you sad but it's also a powerful reminder of how strong depression is and that, the angry alter ego is not your significant other, but the product of the depression. Sometimes that thought alone helps me.

I have lots of memories, some recent some from before last winter when his depression hit. I am trying to store them up in my mind as winter is approaching again.
As the others have said, he is in there... when the fog lifts he will be back again brownie. He will.

Sorry I am so late to the game! My hands and fingers have become problematic and typing can be interesting.

My suggestion is to be sure to view memories as just that, memories.

This is hard to explain.

It still, for me anyway, would come down to that quote, "Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."

The pain of him being down is real and rational. The pain you feel from looking at memories, I would guess, is based on comparing how things were to the pain you are feeling now. The difference between those two creates suffering.

I think it is great to have good memories, of course. I truly believe it is those experiences that are the purpose of my life - not how much money I make or how much stuff I have or whatever.

But hold them as just that - memories independent of here and now. Enjoy the memories without comparing them to the present and the sadness lifts (easier said than done, I know).

Finally, it is my belief that if we are living in the past or future in our heads, we miss some great moments here and now. Imagine if you are reliving a GREAT memory and something that could be a nice memory passes by. You will, most likely either be too engrossed in the great memory to notice, or will be so wrapped up in comparing the two that the current good moment feels bad.

Long post :)

Hope you are well!
Chris

Oh yes. I have only to thing to last night, when my husband and I and our two young daughters were out for a walk. We were in a good stretch (I think we had made it a week or so without losing time), and we were even commenting to each other on how good things have been......and maybe we were through the episodes. And then we lost today...almost all of it. When my husband is down, I cannot leave our kids with him. I think our two year old already senses things, as she clings to me and almost panics at the idea of going anywhere with him. I keep both kids close on these days.

Time to take bpdistough's advice. Yesterday was yesterday, today is today. And, there were lots of nice things about today as I played with our daughters. Our two year gives the most adorable kisses to our baby, and really seems to love her already. I can clearly tell when my baby is excited to see someone or for a particular toy.....she is more than an adorable baby now, she is becoming a person. The three of us had fun in the sand box. It was hard to have my husband close by but light years away......but this is just the way it is some days.

I still feel pretty lonely on these days, but writing it out helps. I would almost say that I feel like a single parent, but I think that would do an injustice to the true magnitude of the challenges that single parents face. But I do feel lonely. And hopeful. And strong. I can do this. One day at a time.