Depression Supporters Support Group
This community is dedicated to spouses, children, relatives, co-workers and others who are actively supporting someone suffering from depression or other serious mental illness. Depression can bring about intense sadness, melancholia or despair that has advanced to the point of being disruptive, which can have a grave impact on the ability of others trying to help.
Today is day 2 of my boyfriend being holed up in his room.
We have separate bedrooms A) because we're incompatible sleepers, and B) because we and his therapist agree that he needs a space of his own, where he can go to escape periodically.
The catch though is that his therapist has provided guidance that he's only allowed to holed up in his room for a maximum of 3 days at a time, and that he must communicate with me when he does it, i.e. let me know what's going on, and why he's holding up. He doesn't have to go into details, and can reserve the right to have a full discussion until he comes out, but he has to let me know what's going on. Additionally, our couples counselsor provided guidance that when he's upset with me he must communicate that to me.
We're half way through day 2, and thus far he's not abiding by the guidance for communication of what's going on, or by the guidance for communicating to me when he's upset. When he hadn't communicated with me all day yesterday, last night I sent him a text message to ask if he was struggling with a migraine or depression, or if he was upset with me. He simply responded that he's dealing with a lot right now, which I don't believe adheres to the guidance he's received from our therapists. I responded by asking specifically if he's upset with me, and he provided no response. A short while later he came out of his room for assistance with his laptop, which I provided, afterwhich I asked him in person if he was upset with me, and told him that we didn't have to talk about it, but that I just wanted to know if he's upset with me. He said he couldn't answer that question, didn't want to talk about it, and was going back to his room. I reminded him of the guidance our therapists have provided, he simply responded okay, and then went back into his bedroom. So far today I've seen him only once, in passing in our living room, during which there was neutral eye contact, but no conversation, and I've otherwise not seem him, or communicated with him all day.
I'm exceptionally frustrated because he's not adhering to our therapists guidance on communication, because his response last night clearly indicated that he's upset with me, but I genuinely have no idea why (usually I do, but not this time), and because essentially I don't feel like his partner right now; I feel like his enemy.
All he has to do is briefly tell me what's going on, without any extaneous detail or conversation required, and then I'd be perfectly fine with and completely supportive of him holding up in his room, to process things as he requires. Instead I'm frustrated, and I feel like the enemy.
I have a massage scheduled this evening, and then I'm planning to go to a movie, to do as our therapists have indicated, which is focus on taking care of me in times like these.
I wonder what tomorrow and Sunday will hold, and whether he'll come out of his room either Saturday night, or Sunday morning, in keeping with his therapists limit of 3 days, or whether I'll have to ask him to come out, and if so, how that will go.
I think it's safe to say that we'll likely hold on any related discussions until our couples counseling session on Monday.
Mid-day on Sunday I sent my boyfriend a text message to remind him of our counseling session today, not expecting a response, and anticipating that he would stay holed up in his room, but to my surprise he responded to thank me for the reminder, and invited me into his room to talk. I took the invitation, and learned that I hadn't done anything wrong at all. Rather during his individual therapy session on Tuesday, some things came up with his therapist that caused him to start reflecting on the various challenges that we've had over the years, which by Thursday had become too much for him, sending him into a depression, and into his room to hole up.
Because he was opening up is genuinely, and because I knew we had couples counseling today, I opted to try a new approach with him which was simply to listen intently, without comment or reply, and instead save my responses for our counseling session today. It seemed to work because once he was done expressing himself, we came out of his room, and spent a nice, quiet day together at home, relaxing and watching movies.
I'm still frustrated that he couldn't articulate at the beginning of his hole up that he was struggling with some things that had come up during his therapy, about our relationship, and that he needed some time to process it, without discussing it, because if he had I would have been satisfied, and therefore felt completely different during his hole up. In other words, I'm frustrated that he didn't follow the guidance of both therapists, but I am glad that he followed the guidance about limiting his hole up to 3 days. And, I recognize that change takes time, and that I can't expect his behaviors to be perfectly complicit the moment he receives guidance from a therapist.
So, we seem to be in a good space, ready to head into counseling today, where hopefully he'll be able to articulate the details of what's been on his mind the last few days, and where hopefully I'll be able to articulate that his failure to communicate what was going on left me feeling like I had done something wrong, and left me feeling like the enemy.