Depression Supporters Support Group
This community is dedicated to spouses, children, relatives, co-workers and others who are actively supporting someone suffering from depression or other serious mental illness. Depression can bring about intense sadness, melancholia or despair that has advanced to the point of being disruptive, which can have a grave impact on the ability of others trying to help.
So... yesterday I was reflecting on the past week or so and noticing something interesting that I want to bring up. More for discussions sake to see if anyone has noticed this in their own life, so my plan was to come on last night and start a new topic.
However, last night my plans changed... he was angry and upset. I tried to keep things light and easy. He wanted to go to get some DVDs last night, but they didn't have them at our local store, and he definitely didn't want to order them and wait. So... we drove to another town about 45 minutes away to get the DVDs. No big deal... we were singing and enjoying the drive. We got to the store and he gave me a smile and a thumbs up that the DVDs were there. Then, he said he wanted to look around... 3 minutes later he was leaving. I followed him to the car. What's wrong? I decided he didn't want them... okay. Why? Silence. What's wrong? Silence. (silence to my questions drives me crazy! I think it is possibly the most irritating thing that happens... and its been a long time since he's done that so I was not prepared!) We drove home... suddenly he said "I need to go home (meaning his hometown)" I asked why and he said he's sick of it here... he's tired of being somewhere that he hates with no one around who likes him (my family being the extra trigger here with all that stuff having gone on over the past month or two). I get it... I think we should move to his hometown honestly. It would be good for us. We'd be surrounded by friends and family. HE would have SO much love and support- and ME TOO!! Yay! BUT.... he decided he was going to wake up and drive home this morning. We were up for hours last night... I cried and cried. He was in that place where he wouldn't talk to me or answer me. He just needed to get away. Then he said that he is not happy about one of the jobs I found and applied to so I said it was fine... we wouldn't go there. He was so upset! He said he feels he has no control over his life, which I do understand. That's why we're moving to a place for US that WE will enjoy so WE can make decisions and be happy there. He was just angry and in a place last night where he couldn't connect with me.
This morning he said he won't leave... he will stay and we will hopefully talk tonight when I get home. He is sad :( I hope I can help him see that his hometown is the answer for us to move to. He will no longer be alone (one of his biggest complaints). But, he had that look of despair in his eyes this morning. His heart is aching, he is SO sad! He didn't even look at me, just stared off into space all morning when we chatted. He gave me 1-2 word answers and his eyes were honeslty glossed over. He feels hopeless right now. I don't want that for him... but I need us to stay together as we go through this. I tried to put it into perspective for him this morning, only one more month of rent! That makes it seem VERY soon to me! I don't know if that helped him or not. He said he wakes up in fear everyday that my father will show up or something will go wrong. I explained to him that my dad is out.. if he wants to call and make ammends with me thats fine but if not we won't have anything to do with him. I met him 99.9% of the way, I don't know if that helped me telling him all this. I sure hope it did!
I just feel like I have NO idea what to do to help him. He hates everything sometimes- and now is that time. I am hoping that he comes out of this pit of despair this afternoon so we can logically talk options. hmmmm... gigantic sigh!
I am glad he is staying today though :) I don't mind him leaving, I would probably want to also just to get some fresh air away from my crazy family if I were him. But... I can't stand when it is on such a whim and out of such anger. So tonight we can chat logically about our options :)
However, last night my plans changed... he was angry and upset. I tried to keep things light and easy. He wanted to go to get some DVDs last night, but they didn't have them at our local store, and he definitely didn't want to order them and wait. So... we drove to another town about 45 minutes away to get the DVDs. No big deal... we were singing and enjoying the drive. We got to the store and he gave me a smile and a thumbs up that the DVDs were there. Then, he said he wanted to look around... 3 minutes later he was leaving. I followed him to the car. What's wrong? I decided he didn't want them... okay. Why? Silence. What's wrong? Silence. (silence to my questions drives me crazy! I think it is possibly the most irritating thing that happens... and its been a long time since he's done that so I was not prepared!) We drove home... suddenly he said "I need to go home (meaning his hometown)" I asked why and he said he's sick of it here... he's tired of being somewhere that he hates with no one around who likes him (my family being the extra trigger here with all that stuff having gone on over the past month or two). I get it... I think we should move to his hometown honestly. It would be good for us. We'd be surrounded by friends and family. HE would have SO much love and support- and ME TOO!! Yay! BUT.... he decided he was going to wake up and drive home this morning. We were up for hours last night... I cried and cried. He was in that place where he wouldn't talk to me or answer me. He just needed to get away. Then he said that he is not happy about one of the jobs I found and applied to so I said it was fine... we wouldn't go there. He was so upset! He said he feels he has no control over his life, which I do understand. That's why we're moving to a place for US that WE will enjoy so WE can make decisions and be happy there. He was just angry and in a place last night where he couldn't connect with me.
This morning he said he won't leave... he will stay and we will hopefully talk tonight when I get home. He is sad :( I hope I can help him see that his hometown is the answer for us to move to. He will no longer be alone (one of his biggest complaints). But, he had that look of despair in his eyes this morning. His heart is aching, he is SO sad! He didn't even look at me, just stared off into space all morning when we chatted. He gave me 1-2 word answers and his eyes were honeslty glossed over. He feels hopeless right now. I don't want that for him... but I need us to stay together as we go through this. I tried to put it into perspective for him this morning, only one more month of rent! That makes it seem VERY soon to me! I don't know if that helped him or not. He said he wakes up in fear everyday that my father will show up or something will go wrong. I explained to him that my dad is out.. if he wants to call and make ammends with me thats fine but if not we won't have anything to do with him. I met him 99.9% of the way, I don't know if that helped me telling him all this. I sure hope it did!
I just feel like I have NO idea what to do to help him. He hates everything sometimes- and now is that time. I am hoping that he comes out of this pit of despair this afternoon so we can logically talk options. hmmmm... gigantic sigh!
I am glad he is staying today though :) I don't mind him leaving, I would probably want to also just to get some fresh air away from my crazy family if I were him. But... I can't stand when it is on such a whim and out of such anger. So tonight we can chat logically about our options :)
I wonder what triggered it? He wouldn't say anything? Oh it drives me crazy when that happens. Even now, he hasn't said?
I am glad he was able to calm down enough to stay, today he will have the rest of the day, too. When you get home, hopefully you can talk together and reason. Maybe you can delve deeper and find out what happened last night.
It such a rollercoaster with them sometimes. I know you want to be able to pull him out, but all you can do, all any of us can do is support them, be there for them, but we can't make it better.
Oh Brownie, we are here for you.
((HUGS))
I was wondering, when he says he feels he has no control over his life, has he ever clarified what he means? Is it because of the depression or something else? I was wondering if something like that can be discussed and see what changes can be made to make him feel like he does have control.
I hope you guys get a chance to talk and discuss things tonight.
I still don't know what triggered it at all! It truly just popped out of nowhere to me. All I can think was it was just festering inside and finally popped last night.
I just got off the phone with him... he sounds better :) We will cuddle in bed tonight and watch TV.
Hopefully we can talk future... I just want him to see that the options are there for us. And I truly hope he can feel good about his hometown. He has said he doesn't want to go back there but I think a good dose of mama's cooking every week and seeing his BFF and just driving his streets again for awhile will do him some good. I honestly love his friends and family, I get so homesick for them and its not my home haha. Hopefully we can talk about it.
Ski, you asked about the control over his life. He has never talked about it, just mentioned it. But I think its got to get to him that he has nothing here. He has no job, no money, no friends.... none of it is here. If he needs to purchase anything he has to wait until I am home. That would wear on me big time! BUT... I am not willing to just hand over the money either- we never intended for him to be unemployed. He worked before we moved here, but that was nearly 4 years ago. Since then he hasn't worked or had any income. He used to stop off and pick us up dinner, or get me flowers, or fill up his gas tank. He had freedom in that sense. And I think also... because I am the only one looking for a job he feels it is in my hands. Mind you he could defnintely look! I have no problem with that, but he doesn't look. So... the fact I applied for a high paying job in a town about 4 hours from here but we never talked about living there before- I think that got to him. He always says "we've got to get out of here, anywheres better than here." So I figured, hey this pays really well! We'd have way more money and move, might as well give it a shot. To be honest I don't even think I have the right qualifications... but I thought I'd try. That's why I go back to his hometown. He could go back to his old job and I could get work there... it just makes sense. He would feel he has control again. Now, he sits inside our tiny place waiting... just waiting. And I think it scares him to not know what will happen and when and since he's not trying to make anything happen, the control is in my hands.
If only he'd try...
I guess we shall see :)
I hope he stays okay.. he seemed much better on the phone. He answered my questions?
What are you eating? A roast beef sandwich :)
That's all I want... answers :)
Thanks ladies!!
Many hugs!!
I hope it all works out! Good luck!
Hes back to me right now :). He said he just panicked last night- he apologized over ad over for overreacting. It was so weird- I have no idea what triggered it but obviously he realized he went overboard. Thank goodness.
Last night when he said he was going to leave today and he was just so angry... I thought of you guys. I thought "we all go through this" but I just couldn't stop crying still. But I did go to the restroom and calm down and think of what Ski said. Once they make the decision to be mad there's no changing that. So I stopped talking to him and trying to change anything. And whether that is what helped or not I don't know but this is the fastest I've ever seen him come back into a good place.
Thank you guys for being so supportive and such good friends!!! :)