Depression Supporters Support Group
This community is dedicated to spouses, children, relatives, co-workers and others who are actively supporting someone suffering from depression or other serious mental illness. Depression can bring about intense sadness, melancholia or despair that has advanced to the point of being disruptive, which can have a grave impact on the ability of others trying to help.
I just found this group through a google search. I thought I understood what depression was as I suffer from bouts of self loathing myself. However, my boyfriend of 8 months is going through a rough time right now and I was not understanding how to be supportive of him. When I met D he was funny, sweet, caring, affectionate, and wanted to spend as much time with me as possible. This last month I have felt like he was alienating me. All he seems to want to do is sleep. I make all the plans. I clean his house. I even sat with his daughter the other night so he could game with his brother. His depression manifests itself as selfishness. I have been taking it personal. Thinking that I was doing something wrong. I did not understand why he went from wanting to spend every day together to wanting “space”. I still do not understand. I still feel as if I am the cause of the issues we’re having.
It isn't you. I promise. Have you read Lalune's post just below yours? Same story. It's my story too.
Everything is amazing and great and you are glued at the hip and so so so happy. And then you are rejected and "the problem" and too needy and too much and where the hell did the guy I fell in love with go? Because that guy was nice to me and loved me.
And you feel like you can't walk away, partially because you think he's still in there (that guy you fell in love with) and partially because he's hurting and ill and you're supposed to be his support person.
My person is also really self involved with his depression. But I think it's the nature of the disease. There is also a layer of "I don't deserve this person and this help" from the depression. My person actively pushed me away (and was very mean about it) to save me from himself. And because "everybody leaves".
It honestly made me more determined to stay. Just to prove him wrong, lol.
You have to decide where your line is. What you're willing to stay and help with and what you're not. Someone told me once that it's okay to set up boundaries and be clear about what they are. Having the boundaries also makes it really easy for you to tell if he's respecting you and them.
I have also learned to back off when things get dark. I say things like "I'm here" and "I think of you" and "what do you need". And then work on remembering that it isn't about me. Or my fault. (I still struggle with this).
It really helps to build things into your life that you like to do. I run, hang out with girlfriends, spend time with my family to cope.
I am so so sorry. Having been through it myself, it's horrible. If you ever want to talk or vent or just cry (I have done plenty of that), I'm here :)