Depression Supporters Support Group

This community is dedicated to spouses, children, relatives, co-workers and others who are actively supporting someone suffering from depression or other serious mental illness. Depression can bring about intense sadness, melancholia or despair that has advanced to the point of being disruptive, which can have a grave impact on the ability of others trying to help.

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Confused with moving on

beam22
beam22

Hi, 


Where do I start with what is one minute sorted in my head to the next, can't stop thinking and concentrating on everyday life.


My wife left me and the kids for another lover just over a year a ago, after a number of years with depression and not seeking help fully, she probably had it all worked out in her head at the time, but the kids wanted to stay with me. She still has one of the kids during the school holidays and I pieced my life back together after, now reading all about depression (hindsight is a beautiful thing) being the carer for her and the kids and not looking after myself. The kids now have a loving home and yes full time work and the schedule juggle takes it toll sometimes, I manage and love the connection I now have with my kids.


Now I had a curve ball phone call the other day, she broke down on the call and after a number of long long calls over the last couple of weeks, she's finally started to see someone and back on medication. We have both been doing the hindsight stuff, but feel for the first time in years we are communicating without hiding anything and she knows she needs to handle this herself. 


Now the big thinking item I have had is that she knows she's made a huge mistake in life with our relationship and the kids having this affair. Now I have not promised anything about getting back together, but  if we can go through some couples therapy maybe we could save or marriage with us both amicable and keeping in contact for the kids. 


Now she's very suicidle at the moment, our one child (teenager) has not even spoke to her in over a year since she left, so I've said she can't live here to start with, this is really difficult with her anxiety to handle with her mothers relationship not exactly the best and if she moved in there would probably make her worse. 


Now the issue I have is she is trying hard to start treating the depression and anxiety, but still living with this other person with no where to go, think this is the sticking point for me. 


She's been really honest with not wanting sex at all since leaving me like she didn't want to with me, she's been holding in this guilt of a mistake because she didn't see a way out and she made this bed and had to live the mistake. To be honest this doesn't bother me like I thought it might have, god ive had relationships since she left so if we did want to try getting back together we both have to talk and be honest with each other about this.


I guess I don't actually know what I'm asking here, am I stupid for even thinking about trying again with my wife who had an affair and currently still with this other partner, if she does get to a point where she thinks her head is clearer and leave this other partner.


suppose what I have to do is just get on with life with the kids and not let it impact me to much


thanks


beam 




Freeagain2017
Freeagain2017
I am sorry that you had to go through this. I think I can understand how you feel. The first question I would ask is if she has asked you or expressed that she wants to make it work with you. If she has, you need to ask yourself if you can put yourself and the kids through this again. Because there is no promise that her depression will get better. My husband had anger issue since our daughter was born 9 years ago. And he started having depression 3 years ago. I have been caring for him for 9 years. And he doesn’t work. I do everything and take care of everything. But beginning of this year, he started talking to a 24 year old girl behind my back. He sworn that there was no physical relationship. He was just talking to her because she is as depressed. And they talk about death and other dark stuffs, which of course I won’t understand. While I was at work making money to support everyone, and giving him all the time he needs to get better, he was meeting her up and texting her the whole time. I just found out about it this July. It really crushed me. So yes I think I know how you feel. We are still together. He has since stopped talking or seeing her completely. I think if your wife wants to get back with you. The first thing she has to do is to cut all her ties with the other person. But it is still very difficult for me to live with it everyday even though my husband no longer has any contact with her. Plus, I am still living with his depression. I am not saying you shouldn’t try to get back with your wife. I am saying you really have to think about it and know what you are getting yourself into. The main reason for me to stay with him besides that I still love him is my daughter still wants him in our life. If my daughter has a hard time with him, I am not sure if I could continue doing this. Hope this helps. And, I don’t understand how they can be so selfish, and why us?
beam22
beam22
I think the problem I have is the lies, that one person you think wouldn't ever think about hurting you, drops the bombshell of an affair, she says its all been a big mistake and realises that now, after not getting any better and now worse with missing the kids, how this other bloke puts up with it no idea, well not being 100% truthful like she was with me probably. You hit the nail on the head about being selfish, no realisation of actually what she's doing most of the time and always about her I'm still finding. She's currently living 100's of miles away and my ultimatum of move into your mothers, because I can't even think about while your still with this other bloke is to scary because she doesn't know how's shes going to deal with living with her mother to start with and we could see how things go from there. She doesn't work, so have been like yourself the one earning over the last 9 years and really would need this to change to even consider her moving back in, this isn't going to happen overnight of course and like you said might never happen.

We had grown apart over the years because of lack of communication, but we never argued and other than intimacy lacking, we still got on really well and I do miss her terribly, but have looked at how I've changed over the last year (my confidence is coming back), I'm someone who wants to help people (doesn't help in this situation I guess), do cope on my own the kids, would this really be worth it if she goes back to her old ways, can I deal with it, that is my thinking point for the next couple of weeks, is our relationship worth it or just keep to being best friends and move on. I suppose the moving on bit is scary, because minus the depression she's does make me happy and we love doing stuff together.

I'm also thinking, if this was me going through this dark time, I would be supported and loved the same way I have shown her, isn't the the better or worse we signed up for, sometimes I wish I wasn't so caring, but not going to let this change the person I am.

I hope your journey through these difficult times brings you happiness at some point, your right about the why us??

Thanks for listening and Take Care!