Depression Supporters Support Group

This community is dedicated to spouses, children, relatives, co-workers and others who are actively supporting someone suffering from depression or other serious mental illness. Depression can bring about intense sadness, melancholia or despair that has advanced to the point of being disruptive, which can have a grave impact on the ability of others trying to help.

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brownielove 02/24/2013

Sometimes I wonder what could be different in life. How did I end up with this type of relationship? I guess I just fell in love- I'm an idiot haha. :). Not really- but a very good friend of mine has this "picture perfect" life. Her and her husband have a great house- 2 kids- he makes great money and can easily support them so she works part time to save for extravagant vacations. They are apart of many activities in their town and have many social gatherings. She doesn't understand what I'm doing. She thinks I'm an idiot for staying with my unemployed depressed man. But when we have talked we've talked about what-ifs. What if her husband lost his job and couldn't find another one? She'd leave him and find a new man. Their relationship is much more business minded than mine- that's not why I'm in my relationship. On my account I have to think in terms of what if we weren't together anymore? I'd be just fine- I can take care of myself and I would be happy as time passed. But I wouldn't look for love again. He is my guy- he's my love and my life. I am his lady and I will lay here by his side while he cries to me.
Our lives as depression supporters are difficult and I would warn anyone who asked me about getting into a relationship with a depressive. I would never wish this upon anyone. I honestly might not have gone into this relationship had someone told me all the hard times- however the love we share between us is so strong. I have never known anyone to share what he and I share- and ironically I believe it is these extremely difficult times that have brought us so close and made us fall so in love.
I try to remember this when he is down, I remind myself of our connection and our love. Often times I'm too angry with his actions to care too much- but when I sit back and look- I see and feel such a strong love between us that i know exactly what im doing here.

Newlywed616 02/24/2013

I understand you completely. My husband is truly the love of my life as well, I can't leave him because of this... He is employed and functioning, but even if he wasn't I don't think I could leave him. I had a marriage where I could stay at home he made a lot of money, I wasn't happy with him... I don't think I ever loved him, the man I am with now I can't imagine being without no matter what.
So we all push forward and we come here to vent and get support. I appreciate everyone here so much.

brownielove 02/26/2013

Yes! I love and appreciate each of you immensely!!! I honestly think of you ladies on my drive to work wishing you a glorious day and just thinking of you..: my comrades :)

brownielove 02/26/2013

Last night he woke me up at about 12:45 and rubbed his scruffy unshaven face on mine. He hugged me tight and said "I am so lucky to have you- I love you with all my heart.".
These are the moments I cherish and hold dear.

Newlywed616 02/27/2013

Awww... That is so wonderful and I feel all mushy inside. It is the small things that seem so huge right now! They do love us! Have a happy day Brownie!

brownielove 03/02/2013

It is those happy times- I've been working SO hard to pull him into a happy place with me. I believe it's working :)
We went to the beach and walked and talked.
We went to order his sandwiches and they were out of the bread- could be a ticket to disaster!
He did so well!!! We walked out to the car- he took a few deep breaths we sat for about 15 minutes and he smiled and we went to get something else :). Hooray!
I ended up taking yesterday off to be with him- I am glad I did :)

Ski23 03/03/2013

I see you wrote this a while ago but I still wanted to reply to say I can relate to where you're coming from. The truth is, no one can really understand completely what goes on in someone else's marriage. I know I often look at couples who seem to have the "perfect marriage" but then you find out they have their issues too, they just may be better at hiding it. Haha. The way I see it with mine is I promised to love him for better and worse, sickness and health. It just so happens that right now is that worse, and this depression is the sickness. I think when most of us say those words we assume the illness will be something different. I'm just glad to see I'm not the only one who feels this way and isn't ready to give up. :)

brownielove 03/05/2013

Yes. We all must stay strong... For ourselves! I often think how grateful I am that we are not dealing with something I couldn't. I do not believe I personally could even to begin handling certain issues- we are given challenges in life that we can grow from in a positive way. That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger :)

cinaflower 03/06/2013

At one time I thought my husband was the love of my life, was so smitten and did whatever it took to keep it going and make him happy. But it was freaking exhausting and when you continuously give without getting anything back you end up empty- which is where I am, unfortunately. I wish I could find some shred of the way I used to be with him, before I lost respect for him, before he disappointed me time after time, before I just disappeared to make peace. I wish I could start over. I love my family and I want all the dreams and hopes I had to keep going with him forever, I just want to be happy with him again, to be able to deal with him and not be so angry and sad and disappointed in him.
I can't get him to get help, he's barely "allowed" me to get help and says he can't afford it for himself. He won't accept responsibility or make amends or try to change, he's defensive and makes excuses and tries to make me feel like I'm the one who's losing it. My therapist says that when you continually hold in your feelings, when you build up resentment and anger and it festers inside it can cause depression- and I don't know how to let it out in a productive way.
I fantasize about escaping- but there are good things there between us and things that I could never have again with anyone else- our history and memories and family and private jokes- there's something but how to make it all work again is so overwhelming.
Sorry I'm rambling. I was touched when yall said your husbands were the loves of your lives and I'm trying to process why I don't feel like that anymore!

Ski23 03/06/2013

Cinaflower, as far as a productive way of letting your emotions out, have you considered journaling? I just broke my old one out the other night. I've never been good at sticking with it but I knew I couldn't purge all my emotions to him because it would make some things worse and make him feel worse, but when you write it down, you can. You can scream and cuss in Your journal and get all those feelings out without it being destructive. I know it helps me.

cinaflower 03/06/2013

I have been journaling since I was in 6th grade and found it a necessary part of my being- but ironically I've lost interest in journaling the more I keep dealing with the same issues over and over- I feel like a broken record and I just sit there staring at the page wishing it could give me answers- My therapist also told me to journal this week and I sat down to do it and was just stuck and lost interest. Maybe I don't want to know what I'd end up writing! I used to compulsively write everything, poems, articles, short stories- I loved to do research- now my brain just can't focus on it. But I will try again and again this week, maybe I'll get somewhere. Thanks for making me analyze it!

Newlywed616 03/06/2013

Cinaflower, I can see why after spending years doing this, with your husband not getting help, how you could be feeling doubtful, unhappy and no longer like he is the love of your life. Getting help is terribly costly, I can understand what he is saying. I don't know if there is a local church who could help him, an online support group like this one at least maybe. I don't know. But cinaflower, make sure to do for you, keep getting the help you need...

I never really journaled before this happened. It has helped me. I do it here and make it private I also have one on my computer. I know this has helped me. Many times I have come into the office and I have been so upset and angry and frustrated it is all I can think about, so I just started writing it down before I start working.It seems to help. Another thing that truly helps me is to walk, by myself, anywhere for a LONG time. I like to walk my dog so that when I discuss things out loud to myself people don't think I am totally nuts, they think I am talking to my dog. ;-)

And, yes I will say it again, my husband is truly the love of my life. I have never been in such a place, where I see someone I love so much, who I know loves me just as much, hurt as much as he does. I never knew depression, what it really was until now, how it hurts him, how it makes him push me away and say things that I could never imagine him saying to me. It makes me angry, sad and frustrated! He has been getting help, couseling, meds, etc. I see the man I love emerging again. I am fearful though, that it won't last. I see so many people here who battle this for years. But for now I am going to be happy.

cinaflower 03/06/2013

You're lucky that you know what is wrong now and can put a name on it- we've been married since I was 18 and so all of our dysfunctions and mental issues have just evolved and changed over the years- it's only now after all these years I can look back and see that a lot of our problems were caused by his mental issues and because he can function he thinks he doesn't have a problem- I'm a problem because I tell him he has a problem!
I have been writing on here and it's helped. I actually felt some emotion today for the first time in a long time. I hadn't cried in so long and today I cried while listening to the song "Let's Stay Together" by Marvin Gaye- it was too appropriate!
I know I need to start exercising for my own sanity- to walk and move without thinking- I know it will help.

Newlywed616 03/07/2013

I do feel very lucky after reading much of what I read on this site. I am also scared to death that our success is temporary.

A good cry is always helpful, too. I let myself listen to music that reminds me of my husband and our life and that always happens to me. But, yes... do some walking. I don't know about where you are, but our weather is getting a little warmer, snow is melting... I am walking tonight. Anything you can think of that you enjoy or used to enjoy, do it if you can.

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