I can totally relate to this, brownielove. Life doesn't have to be so complicated, but people with depression and other disorders can just make the tiniest things into huge ordeals. All of the compulsions to my wife's OCD turn everyday things that most people would think nothing of, like closing a door or going to the supermarket, into hugely complicated things with special rules and rituals that have to be carried out. In your husband's case, it seems like he just has so much anger in him that he will find something to push it onto no matter what is happening. If it wasn't the amount of the giftcard, then it probably would have been the store it was from, or the card that you picked out, something else would have been the big problem instead.

I also completely know what you mean about the feeling like there's this weight on you every day from it, and it is all so unnecessary. That's the part that gets to me the most, how completely pointless all of this stress is. My only advice is to just not respond to the anger, because it is clearly irrational. You should tell him that the next time you will just send a giftcard without him even knowing the amount. Anyway, thanks for sharing, it gave me a chance to vent a little myself. :-)

I am very tired and sore today (fibromyalgia is winning the "battle" today), so I don't have a ton of advice.

I just wanted you to know you are not alone in your experience. I am sure we have all shared this pain and exhaustion at some time or another.

In terms of you - try and make it so you don't look back and say, I wish I had done this and this when I was [insert age here]."

Make time for yourself.

Be social. If he doesn't want to go, tell him you love him and will miss him while you are out.

Do something nice for yourself. If he complains, just honestly and calmly tell him you are feeling very down lately and need to do something nice for yourself. Don't tell him or let him tell you that it is his fault or anything, just that you need a pick-me-up. You are awesome - you should have a nice day.

Hang in there and take care of yourself!

I hope things are better this new morning Brownie... It is crazy how it is ALWAYS about them when they are in the midst of it. You walk on egg shells, side step and don't share the things that would be so normal to share with your life partner because of the crazyness it brings.
I was right there last night with you... He was in a good mood when we all met for dinner. By the time I got home from my son's 4H meeting he was down, angry and irritable. He had been trying to rest and two of our three dogs decided to play. Again, not a huge deal, but he couldn't sleep. I got home and he was really cranky. The dogs got excited and started to rough house again and he just yelled and yelled while I was trying to show him the photos I had framed and where I wanted to hang them. He told me how tired he was... Well, I was tired too. I had been on the go since 5AM and it was 9PM. Really? I didn't get to come home and sit in my chair after dinner. NO! I had to go to the darned store while my kid was in his meeting, then take his friend home and come home to unload the trunk. It is frustrating. I so completely understand and you are not alone. :-)
I like what bpdistough said, do something for you. Tell him you are down, but don't tell him it is because of him and go do something you enjoy.
((((HUGS!!!!))))

I understand this feeling completely. Depression can make a mountain out of a mole hill any day! My husband once had a huge anxiety attack because he was building our deck, got to the store and realized he had forgotten to measure to see what size wood he needed and I could just hear him losing it over the phone. It is such an overwhelming feeling to sit back and watch it, and then not get the support you need when you're going through your own feelings.

But it sounds like you're doing everything you can. Let him try to return it and when he can't, hopefully he'll realize that it's not that big of a deal. If he gets more upset say "I'm sorry you feel upset over this ." and take yourself for a walk or something and hopefully during that time hell calm down.
I also agree with doing something for yourself too. You deserve it!

Thank you to all of you :)

We have so much going on right now. Possibly moving in less than 2 months- looking for work. Where are we moving? Who knows.

It is just so much to deal with and it is so tiring. He changes his mind all the time and so I am constantly trying to be the flexible stable one. I had planned on talking to him about it all last night- having him sit with me to work through everything. But he was just in NO place to be of any help or rational moment or anything!!

So this move is a HUGE elephant and it has taken all my energy from dealing with the drama of his other situations.

I think instead of trying to work through it all with him... I might ask him today if he just wants me to handle it all without him and take him along for the ride? He has mentioned that but in anger- like he just can't take it anymore so whatever I want is fine. But maybe I will tell him- "hey there is alot going on. I need to either have you in the decision making process, or you can be out and I will make sure we are just fine. What would be easier for you?"

Im totally fine doing it alone- it makes me feel like I won't have to pick a place he loves and file for bankrupty this winter. :) It is so stupid that is even an option- but it is all he wants. He is willing to live in the snow in his car and starve to death to be there. I don't know why I am even entertaining it still to be honest.

But... you guys are right. EVERYTHING is a big deal with them. The other night his car door didn't lock with the clicker. You would have thought his car blew up before his eyes and was on fire! He was SO angry! We canceled all plans. Went home... only to have the car door now be working. It is so annoying how big of a deal things become!!! Seriously? First of all... it is the clicker, the door still locks by hand or button in the car. Remember 15 years ago? Shoot- 6 years ago I didn't have a clicker- oh yeah... and my clicker, it died 3 years ago! He forgot that. But with the magic of my finger I am able to push the button in my car door to lock them all before I leave the car and the magical key opens my car and unlocks it for me! What? What is this you speak of brownie? Life doesn't have to be so complicated?
Sorry- sarcastic me coming out. I want to just go away and be alone for awhile. I need to decompress... I have a massage gift certificate myself I haven't redeemed- this is the weekend to use it for sure :)

He is much better today- I am just exhausted. i feel the stress in my chest with every breath.

thank you all :)

Well,
I am not free from the depressive. We have been together for two years and four weeks before his divorce was final he went back to the miserable life he left. More depressed than ever. BUT I'm NOT. What did I learn from turning myself inside out for him...not to ever give away soooo much of myself ever again. There is a vast difference between caring and nurturing for someone you love and being drained senseless. I came to realize that he was not who I thought he was and that his depression was just for attention. This came from his Dr. So if I ever decide to get involved again I will, I hope, know all the early warning signs. Brownie Love...I wish we were neighbors. Hugs

You are right on smdruid. For 30 years+ I have given my husband my unconditional love and support. Now when I start to look back, I realize it was all very one sided. Yes, he loves me but not as much as he loves himself first. It has always been about him. Don't misunderstand, I had wonderful years with him and recognize I like the role of caring for him but now his self interest has exceeded my limits. There is no affection, no concern for my needs and i am afraid he is going to jeopardize my financial situation that I worked hard to repair. Coming to accept that I can't do it anymore. You have to do what is best for you. My children are grown, I can support myself and I deserve someone who will love and appreciate me. I love him but he is killing me. Brownielove and Newlywed, you will be happy to know I am writing this without tears. Hang in there!

I am so glad there are no tears! :)

You are such a strong woman and deserve to be happy!

What you are saying about all this one-sidedness... it is scary. That is something I learned from coming to this site that I never previously was willing to accept- this won't go away. He will always be depressed. He will always let little things be a big deal. I am SO glad I have learned that through the veteran providers here :) And yet, I am still not sure what to do with it. I have accepted it, but I know I am not making the best choices with that knowledge all the time. Maybe I am still learning?
But, that being said, if he is going to be this way all his life... why do I entertain ideas he has that I know will not make me happy? I suppose I am hoping he will take my place and be the happy, strong one? That won't happen though I know it. I do feel I need to worry of myself and take care of me. The other night he went through the time where he decided to leave me to save me the pain. He said he would no longer be happy in this world ever and he isn't cut out for it. His life is basically over is what he is telling me... he can't work in this world, be friends with people in today's times, go outside... he is miserable at these times.
Of course I do not want him to leave me.
But, if he did I am glad I am in a situation I can continue.
Why would I put myself in a position that I would hate to be in on my own?
I still do this with "buying his happiness." The other day at work a friend of mine said that I should run free and be wild because I don't have kids... then she said, well actually you have a big kid. Sometimes I do feel that he is like having a teenage son who won't grow up. That video game will keep him happy for a day or two. That movie will entertain him this week. I wish so desperately that he would just see this and grow up sometimes.

I know I am going on and on here... but Betterthan my point is that what you say is true. I know it is. And I am not sure how I will feel in 20 years when he is still sulking because he doesn't have a movie, or he is still not working hard to make his own dreams come true. And depression is the reason I get that... but sometimes it is an excuse I feel.

Things are actually good with us right now :) I am just thinking... spewing my thoughts. What do you guys think?