I rode out a rough patch like that with my BF a year and a half ago. It's like the identical story - everything was wonderful and magical until it wasn't. And then the dark time crept in so slowly, I honestly thought I was going crazy. It got to the point where everything was my fault - I was too cheerful (it annoyed him), I was too needy (false, expectations changed underneath me, how I am supposed to react when you pull away for months?), I made him boring, I alienated him from his friends (again, false. That was allll him) etc.

I can't tell you what to do, I can only tell you that for us, it resulted in a massive blow out that called out all of the horribleness from the last 4 months. I finally addressed the fact that he made everything my fault and he admitted to doing it on purpose, because it was easier to push me away than accept my support.

And then he ended it.

It was almost a relief that he broke up with me, that way I wasn't taking away a support person from his life.

We did get back together about a month later, but it made setting boundaries a lot easier. I was pretty clear that I'm here and supportive, but you may never treat me that way again. We will deal with your depression as a team and we're going to talk about it. A lot.

Things have been a lot better. That's not to say it's easy. But it's better.

So, I guess the moral of the story is - you need to decide what you can live with and what you can't. And in order to make it work, you also need to be on the same team. You deserve better than half a partner.

Having the hard boundary setting conversation might naturally lead to a break-up. But at least you tried. The message of "I am here" and "You may not treat me this way" has been delivered.

It's really really hard to walk away from someone you love, who isn't that person any more, but you know that person is in there somewhere.

If you ever want to talk about it, or even just vent - I'm here :)

Thank you so much! He has told me the same things, that I'm too needy and to blame for him losing some hobbies and alone time. This week I asked to spend one night together to go to a show we already had tickets to (the fourth show he has backed out on) and that seemed to be too much. But at the same time, I feel the same - like I'm taking away his support person. He doesn't have many family or friends, so I feel like if I leave he's really alone. I think I am going to ask him to go to couples' counseling with me, and if he denies that, tell him I need some time off. It's really weighing on me and I feel like if we continue on the way we are, things will just keep getting worse. Thanks for listening!!

I totally understand - there is this horrible feeling of guilt that "I am your person" and I am abandoning you to your disease. But it a terrible feeling of loneliness and isolation when you're the support person and also being pushed away and blamed. And honestly, resentfulness. I was pretty resentful that the person I fell in love with left me and changed into this other guy.

I felt for a really long time that I had no idea if I was making things better or worse. All the while missing my person and feeling totally miserable. It's like you're stuck in a terrible limbo.

Let me know how it goes with the ask for counselling. I ended up going to counselling alone to help me deal with all of my own feelings pertaining to his dark period (it actually got messier than that. He told me on the way out of the dark time that if I hadn't shown up like I did, he most likely would have killed himself) which I just could not handle without talking to someone.

Depression is awful. And loving someone with depression is scary and lonely and sometimes really really wonderful.

A really close friend of mine (who also suffers from depression) said to me once - "If you don't know what to do or say, say "What do you need?", it gives your person an opportunity to ask for help in the way that they need help".

I've used it since, and it really does work.

Good luck!! I am here if you need me :)

Thank you! I am also going to a therapist by myself and it has been really helpful. I'm hoping to ask him tonight about couples therapy. I totally agree - limbo! I am anxious of pushing too hard but I feel like if I let him make all the choices we wouldn't see each other at all.

That is so much to deal with - him saying he most likely would have killed himself. That's really a lot to put on one person. But at the same time, thank god you were there.

That quote is great advice to follow! I sometimes feel like I'm being a burden just asking how he's doing - I think asking what he needs is a much better approach.

Thank you for listening and sharing!

Wanted to send an update. Last Saturday we talked and he said he needed time to figure everything out on his end and that he hoped I could use the time to be "more ok" with spending less time together. He said he wanted to do date nights, but not see each other in between. We went on a date on Monday, he picked me up from work and we went to a restaurant. Overall, it was good. We talked about a few things and for the first time I think he understood that his actions are really hurting me and could push me away for good. He told me he loves me and that if I broke up with him he would wait for me and can't image his life without me. He asked if we could see each other again in the next couple days, and I told him I wasn't free again until Friday. I have barely heard from him since then - a couple texts saying I love you - and there has been no more talk about Friday. My anxiety is at peak levels waiting to hear from him or see him again. I'm trying to remember things won't be like this forever - one way or another - but day to day it's been difficult.