Depression Supporters Support Group
This community is dedicated to spouses, children, relatives, co-workers and others who are actively supporting someone suffering from depression or other serious mental illness. Depression can bring about intense sadness, melancholia or despair that has advanced to the point of being disruptive, which can have a grave impact on the ability of others trying to help.
Someone else's post recently was saying how they're always alone- their depressed partner doesn't want them out with people doing things away from them. I tend to fall into this alone world and I work SO hard not to fall there!!! I haven't been there in quite sometime but it's a sad place to be.
I am alone a lot on days like today- weekends. I have a little internal rule that I will talk to at least one person a day who is not apart of my everyday humdrum. It keeps me uplifted. Usually that person is via phone but still- its nice to chat.
I never wanted to be that person who lived life at work and literally almost preferred it to being home. I have become that person over that past few months- maybe 6 months. My coworkers are great! My job is great! And at home I'm always dealing with angry depression lately.
It's even worse having both sides of our family livid at us! My dad won't talk to me as long as I'm with him- so that hurts my moms and my relationship too. His mon is angry because he's so depressed- but she doesn't know half of it. She doesn't know he's not working, she doesn't know I fully support him, she doesn't know he acts like a child... She is angry simply because she wants him near her so she can control him and shoot him down from finally doing something (she has issues). I have great friends! And the know that I must balance my time carefully and wisely to accommodate mr grumpy. They are great about it! But how long will they be great for! It been essentially four full years of this behavior from him. He hid it a lot in our first year- I just didn't see it so much.
So on the weekends I feel extra alone. I call people an chat, I let him know I want to do things and have fun, but I feel I need to truly work hard to balance my time. Next weekend I am going to a wedding- he's invited and I even RSVPd for him but I know I'm going alone. But because this wedding has been coming up I've been spending a month preparing him for the Saturday night of the wedding- it'll be at night. It's across town. I want you to go. It's okay if you don't. But I have avoided any other plans simply so that I feel no guilt next saturday. I know I don't need to feel guilty but being home with him for 3 weekends in a row making no plans unless he's apart of them( so that means no plans) make me aware that have ZERO to feel guilty for!!!
The thing is I probably wouldn't be doing much different than I am today- I just wouldn't be walking on eggshells around the apartment.
Another annoying part? My birthday is next week. It's a big one- I know I won't see anyone, do anything, or even have a nice dinner. He never does anything for my birthday. I usually turn in early because it's too sad to stay awake and know that he's not even trying for me on my birthday.
I am alone a lot on days like today- weekends. I have a little internal rule that I will talk to at least one person a day who is not apart of my everyday humdrum. It keeps me uplifted. Usually that person is via phone but still- its nice to chat.
I never wanted to be that person who lived life at work and literally almost preferred it to being home. I have become that person over that past few months- maybe 6 months. My coworkers are great! My job is great! And at home I'm always dealing with angry depression lately.
It's even worse having both sides of our family livid at us! My dad won't talk to me as long as I'm with him- so that hurts my moms and my relationship too. His mon is angry because he's so depressed- but she doesn't know half of it. She doesn't know he's not working, she doesn't know I fully support him, she doesn't know he acts like a child... She is angry simply because she wants him near her so she can control him and shoot him down from finally doing something (she has issues). I have great friends! And the know that I must balance my time carefully and wisely to accommodate mr grumpy. They are great about it! But how long will they be great for! It been essentially four full years of this behavior from him. He hid it a lot in our first year- I just didn't see it so much.
So on the weekends I feel extra alone. I call people an chat, I let him know I want to do things and have fun, but I feel I need to truly work hard to balance my time. Next weekend I am going to a wedding- he's invited and I even RSVPd for him but I know I'm going alone. But because this wedding has been coming up I've been spending a month preparing him for the Saturday night of the wedding- it'll be at night. It's across town. I want you to go. It's okay if you don't. But I have avoided any other plans simply so that I feel no guilt next saturday. I know I don't need to feel guilty but being home with him for 3 weekends in a row making no plans unless he's apart of them( so that means no plans) make me aware that have ZERO to feel guilty for!!!
The thing is I probably wouldn't be doing much different than I am today- I just wouldn't be walking on eggshells around the apartment.
Another annoying part? My birthday is next week. It's a big one- I know I won't see anyone, do anything, or even have a nice dinner. He never does anything for my birthday. I usually turn in early because it's too sad to stay awake and know that he's not even trying for me on my birthday.
I really hope hell decide to go to the wedding with you but if he doesn't, I really hope you'll go yourself and have a good time. There is no reason at all for you to feel guilty for having some you time. Both at the wedding or even if each weekend you plan to go for a walk at a park yourself, meet a friend for lunch, go window shopping.... Etc. whatever it is that brings you joy or will get you out with other people, find time to do it. It sounds like you work your butt off at work and doing everything to care for the both of you, so you should absolutely in no way feel guilty.
As far as your birthday goes.... Please, please, please do something for it. Something I learned a few years ago when my husband was almost always deployed on my birthday and I was far away from friends and family, is that I didn't necessarily need anyone to do anything for me to have a good birthday, it was something I could do myself. If he doesn't do anything, take yourself shopping and get something you want, take yourself to lunch, get a pedicure.... Etc. whatever it is that will make it feel like a special day for you, go do it. Yes, it would be nice if he'd do something for you, but if he doesn't, that doesn't mean you can't still have an awesome day. I think often people depend too much on others to be happy, and unfortunately when you have a depressed partner, your definitely can't count on that because you never know what to expect from day to day.
So I'll be checking in next week to see what you did. :)
Have yourself a great time at the wedding (maybe bring a girlfriend along if hes not going to go?) & do something great for your birthday (go for lunch with the girls etc.)
I have been relying on him to be happy, or at least the contentedness of my situation. I think... With all the changes that have gone on in our lives over the past 6 months- its been such a huge test of our relationship. And we've gone through them and it's been hard but here we are still together and still in love. I think I am fearful though- his depression has worsened and my stress level has risen with the financial aspect being more burdensome. So It is difficult for me to be supportive and loving like I was and difficult for him to be understanding of our financial situation and my stress over it. We have been worse off before- but we pushed through it got over it and things got better. It's almost hard this time because we did go backwards a bit financially. It's hard to express to him where we are at and how we must live.
It is scaring me for our future I think. It scares me to even write it to be honest. But... If our future holds lifestyle changes he doesn't want or accept he might not stick around for it? I know if that's the case that's shallow and awful of him because he could just as easily get a job, get to work, and pitch in making a world of difference so I completely understand that's not my fault if he did decide he didn't want those changes and left. I also understand its a good test to see what will he do for us. And I get you know- better to find out sooner than later. Overall it's just life and hows he going to deal- just scary to see the answer to it that's all.