Depression Supporters Support Group
This community is dedicated to spouses, children, relatives, co-workers and others who are actively supporting someone suffering from depression or other serious mental illness. Depression can bring about intense sadness, melancholia or despair that has advanced to the point of being disruptive, which can have a grave impact on the ability of others trying to help.
Hi everyone!
So I haven't really updated you guys on what happened after all last weeks events. I sometimes feel I am ranting and using you guys as much crutch too often so I thought I'd try reading trough and replying to others posts and breathing :)
It does wonders this site and all you guys! The support is a huge load off my shoulders!
Well.. This morning I thought I'll post a new topic updating my situation and telling them how good he's been with it overall. So here I am:
Last week as you know my father essentially said my guy can't be apart of his family meaning my mom can never see him again. My dad thibjs the depression and stuff is all a facade and that i am "under a spell." Seriously you guys suggested he is depressed and I am certain that is the case! So- I talke with my mom and things got crazy! My dad basically wants nothing to do with me unless I drop my guy- not happening. First of all I am madly in love with him, secondly even if I weren't my dad has no right to try to control this situation.
So I guess I'm out of the family. So- of course I can't tell my depressed guy this huge load which will literally crush him. So I slowly let him know it all piece by piece. I am choosing my words carefully, like "my dad is angry he can't control me" opposed to "my dad wants you out". Same thing accept I think my wording is actually more accurate in the long haul.
My poor mom is crushed she doesn't know what to do.
But I'm talking with her and staying close so she doesn't panic.
Job hunt: of course he wants to run away from his problems and move away. I honestly don't blame him. My family is obviously not supportive and they live around the corner. His family is a giant cluster of hugs, support, love, family gatherings, and tons of fun! They are a few states away- about a 16 hour drive.. And yet even I see them more than I see my own family! So I get it. I am applying many places. I applied to his dream tiny town in the mountains where we will be freezing & poor but if it's the only one that comes up I believe there's a reason.
I applied to our dream town here about 50 miles away from where we are now. We spend our saturdays there walking and getting lunch we love it :). I am going to put more applications in other places- there's no reason not to. So we shall see :)
The giggle- on my way home things have been okay and we chatted. Hes expecting a letter with his birthday gift any day now- it didn't come in. I giggled- he said it so funny! He sounded like a little kid kicking a rock. He is very angry that I giggled- he is "napping" but not really. He hung up with me, left to go drive as soon as I got home, and is just mad.
I went and purchased him a new controller for his gaming system- his was broken. I bought him dinner and came home and charged his controller. He came home- he won't eat or play, just nap. He's mad, I get it. I apologized up one side and down the other- I think it was just the last straw for him at that moment. He knows I'm sorry and I didnt mean to giggle out of malice. It was just a funny picture in my head, he stated "stupid check didn't come in.". That's a funny sentence :)
Oh well- I know he'll come around I didn't do anything but a tiny mistake and I apologized as though I accidentally chopped off his head! So I think he just needs sulk time- he will come around.
Stupidly when he hung up, I was thinking that maybe it did come in and he would have cleaned the house and bought me flowers :)
I know my whole dad thing is angering him immensely!!! I think he just needs something good to think of and not stress about :). Birthday gifts can provide that :)
I hope one day we won't have to walk on such eggshells- it would be nice :)
Hugs to all!
So I haven't really updated you guys on what happened after all last weeks events. I sometimes feel I am ranting and using you guys as much crutch too often so I thought I'd try reading trough and replying to others posts and breathing :)
It does wonders this site and all you guys! The support is a huge load off my shoulders!
Well.. This morning I thought I'll post a new topic updating my situation and telling them how good he's been with it overall. So here I am:
Last week as you know my father essentially said my guy can't be apart of his family meaning my mom can never see him again. My dad thibjs the depression and stuff is all a facade and that i am "under a spell." Seriously you guys suggested he is depressed and I am certain that is the case! So- I talke with my mom and things got crazy! My dad basically wants nothing to do with me unless I drop my guy- not happening. First of all I am madly in love with him, secondly even if I weren't my dad has no right to try to control this situation.
So I guess I'm out of the family. So- of course I can't tell my depressed guy this huge load which will literally crush him. So I slowly let him know it all piece by piece. I am choosing my words carefully, like "my dad is angry he can't control me" opposed to "my dad wants you out". Same thing accept I think my wording is actually more accurate in the long haul.
My poor mom is crushed she doesn't know what to do.
But I'm talking with her and staying close so she doesn't panic.
Job hunt: of course he wants to run away from his problems and move away. I honestly don't blame him. My family is obviously not supportive and they live around the corner. His family is a giant cluster of hugs, support, love, family gatherings, and tons of fun! They are a few states away- about a 16 hour drive.. And yet even I see them more than I see my own family! So I get it. I am applying many places. I applied to his dream tiny town in the mountains where we will be freezing & poor but if it's the only one that comes up I believe there's a reason.
I applied to our dream town here about 50 miles away from where we are now. We spend our saturdays there walking and getting lunch we love it :). I am going to put more applications in other places- there's no reason not to. So we shall see :)
The giggle- on my way home things have been okay and we chatted. Hes expecting a letter with his birthday gift any day now- it didn't come in. I giggled- he said it so funny! He sounded like a little kid kicking a rock. He is very angry that I giggled- he is "napping" but not really. He hung up with me, left to go drive as soon as I got home, and is just mad.
I went and purchased him a new controller for his gaming system- his was broken. I bought him dinner and came home and charged his controller. He came home- he won't eat or play, just nap. He's mad, I get it. I apologized up one side and down the other- I think it was just the last straw for him at that moment. He knows I'm sorry and I didnt mean to giggle out of malice. It was just a funny picture in my head, he stated "stupid check didn't come in.". That's a funny sentence :)
Oh well- I know he'll come around I didn't do anything but a tiny mistake and I apologized as though I accidentally chopped off his head! So I think he just needs sulk time- he will come around.
Stupidly when he hung up, I was thinking that maybe it did come in and he would have cleaned the house and bought me flowers :)
I know my whole dad thing is angering him immensely!!! I think he just needs something good to think of and not stress about :). Birthday gifts can provide that :)
I hope one day we won't have to walk on such eggshells- it would be nice :)
Hugs to all!
Remember Brownie, you are human and it is difficult to be on guard all the time about what you say and what you do. I am always questioning and second guessing every step now. Especially when before I never had to it was easy to discuss anything with my guy, now... he is very self absorbed, but you should beat yourself up over letting a giggle slip out. I probably would have done the same thing. I picture this man, hands on his hips and a huge pout. Yep.., I would have done the same thing.
Hopefully it will come today and he will be in a good mood.
And yes Brownie... someday we won't alway have to walk on egg shells.
Thanks for the update! And like you always it is what we are here for don't apologize and please come vent... OFTEN as needed!! It is what we all joined this group for, support, comfort and education.
I'm sorry things are still so rocky with your family. Did your dad ever let your mom come home?
It sounds like you're handling the situation well with your guy as far as still sharing with him what is going on, even if it's selectively. I think that's a good thing so that all the weight isn't ALL on you.
I do like what betterthanthis pointed out as far as apologizing once and letting things go if your guy gets upset with something that wasn't intentionally meant as being mean. We all make mistakes from time to time and say something that comes out wrong. Unfortunately with a depressed person, those tiny little mistakes can turn into a mountain in their eyes. Whenever my husband reacted like this, I would sincerely apologize but then let it go and approach it later after he's had time to dwell a little since it seems that once they make that decision to be upset, there isn't much we can do to change It and just let it ride out. easier said then done sometimes I know :)
But I wish you luck with the job hunt :) let us know how it turns out.
I am glad that I sound like I am dealing with it all so well, thanks Ski! :) I believe I am because everything that people have been depressed about around me has truly nothing to do with me (which really is ALWAYS) the case but I know I can sometimes do more to help or avoid certain situations. This bought... there is nothing I could do so I'm throwing my hands up and stepping back. I am very sad about my dad and his attitude towards the whole thing. I feel so abandoned- I truly don't know how children who are orphans or lose their parents at a young age deal with this. I am an adult who has been out of my parent's home and on my own for many years and it hurts. But... I can't imagine that he will never come around... but maybe. Still... hands thrown up, I don't know what he wants of me so he has to go figure out his stuff and talk to me later if he'd like.
As far as the giggle, you are right Newlywed. I am human and it just slipped out. Especially me, I laugh at everything! But you bring up a good point Betterthan, I should just apologize once and be done. It was a simple giggle. I apologized, I brought him dinner... time to get over it dude. But Ski, you point out something that I've known but never consciously thought of! You are completely right about our depressed s/o, once they've made up their mind to be upset there really isn't anything we can do to change it. I read that and it just clicked for me! I can't believe it! For nearly five stinking years I've been trying so hard to change it knowing all along I won't be able to! I just have to ride it out! You are absolutely right!
I actually tried this yesterday. And I've done it before, but never consciously... So... yesterday we were in the car and this song came on that he doesn't like but we were laughing about it and singing. I reached over and stroked his hair at a part about ladies loving their men. This did it! He was mad! He said that there are too many people, and he gets very odd about space when he is mad. He woke up angry yesterday morning and I tried to talk to him about it.... but when he is like that if I try to hug him or anything it is NOT good. He flips out, and that is what happened yesterday. So we came home and he got into bed and I came into the kitchen and read some articles, recommitted to my healthy living, decided to exercise some more, took a shower. After about an hour and a half, he came looking for me (all the way in the kitchen, the next room over haha). I think it was weird to him I didn't cater to his depression and come crawl into bed with him checking on him. He came around though and we ended up having a very nice afternoon and evening.
I am a fixer (we all probably are thats why we're here :). So it is hard to say "this is something I can't fix or even attempt to fix." But I am definitely going to try taking that route from now on! Thank you to you all :)