Hi everyone,

I have been MIA from the board for months and months now. I have been doing so well on my own pushing through and being strong. So busy at work and so busy in life. I just hardly turn on my computer besides work.

Well, just a quick background on me probably many of you don't know me. I joined this group back in Oct 2012. I was breaking, I was not okay. I support my depressed boyfriend, we've been together over 6 years now. He moved to my home town over 5 years ago so we could be together and we had every intention of moving back to his hometown or finding our own different town together. He never got work, slightly tried but didn't get work so gave up probably 5 years ago. There have been different things to happen in that time to show light at the end of the tunnel he was going to work online so I purchased him a computer which he would pay me back when he started making money (2 years ago and went against everything the good women on this site suggested). So that didn't happen, I was offered a job near his hometown nearly 3 years ago and he wouldn't look for work.

2 years ago my father showed up unannounced at my apartment and spoke with my boyfriend (while I was working) about his unemployment and depression and how he wanted to see me apart of a team not in this relationship that was one sided.
They have never spoken again, I tried to talk to my dad but he says he'd rather see me dead than in this relationship with this man. My mom has pretty much taken dad's side and sister tries to avoid us all because of it. This yes would've been avoided had my boyfriend stepped up but my father truly is so removed from my life even at that point that he really had no place coming in like that. He was newly retired and I think overwhelmed by all that

So a year ago boyfriend was going to counseling FINALLY! Counselor moved away after about 4 months of that and he won't try again, he has no desire to try again because it "didn't work."

For the past year or so he has been REALLY bad! Depressed beyond belief! and I have tried my best to stay positive and upbeat. In March I'd had it, I sat him down multiple times over the course of a week and told him that I am mentally and physically and emotionally breaking or broken already. I can not and will not be the breadwinner in this relationship forever. I need to be a partnership and I need the two of us to both be working. At this point I believe that if I were put on life support and he had to work to pay the bills he would simply abandon me and I'd be left alone. I am not exaggerating or being dramatic that is truly what I believe will happen.

So with all the inquiries I have done over the years, my name is out there in a few different places we may want to move to. I received an email and have been speaking with someone in another state about working there. Mind you my job now pays great! We live in a wonderful apartment and a beautiful safe neighborhood. Only problem, without him working its hard to truly make ends meet but any other position will pay me much less for what I do.

So, the person I spoke with may have a job for my boyfriend too the only thing that stops us from moving is money. If he gave my boyfriend a position, we'd be set. No doubt about it. We'd make nearly what I make alone but the cost of living would be significantly cheaper. Boyfriend sounded excited the first night, now he is angry and sad and mad and depressed and he's pissed off because I keep bring up this job. I apologized, I didn't know he wouldn't want to work there. He said no its working in general.
Well, we are back to square one. He HAS to work! I WILL NOT move and be with him without him working! I will lose my cool and I will not emotionally be able to take it. I love my job and I am tenured and I make good many and work with amazing people! I have built up my reputation and people like me. I commute to work and the only thing I'd think of changing is possibly moving to where I work but it is just not as nice as where I live, but it is significantly cheaper.

So here I am, laying in bed on this site for the first time in months. Listening to him scream obscenities at his video game because, oh yeah it cheats. About 2 months ago he went so ballistic at his game he actually yelled at me so I left for a few hours.

I am tired. I am worn out. When I first joined this site it seemed that everyone told me it would work out in the long run. Everyone told me that I would break and that we wouldn't make it. Everyone told me it just doesn't last with the depressed and you'll regret staying. I've seen over the course of time most people do seem to end up following that trend. I was determined to be different. I say was, but I still am. I am willing to give up my tenure, my good job, perfect job really, my amazing apartment and location, my home, my amazing weather and beautiful location in the world all to move to a place where he will "be better" I know that its a huge risk! I know that I'm not stupid. But I feel like if I don't believe in him, my one true love, my one and only what's the point. It is worth a shot as long as I can support me and take care of me. But he isn't willing to try it. He isn't willing to work for us ever! He isn't willing to say, yes let me take that full time job. Yes, let me pick up hours to help us out, yes let me make life easier on you by being a helpful member of our home. I am willing to overlook all of these past years of this behavior and to say, lets step into this together. Lets hold hands and leap But no. I've even said we will stay here and I will continue to support and he can try doing what he wants (write) but no. Okay, just go to counseling and work on your depression, join a few clubs and do what you want just don't hate the life I provide no. I am willing to do anything and everything for us. What is he willing to do?

I am just so sad.