Depression Supporters Support Group
This community is dedicated to spouses, children, relatives, co-workers and others who are actively supporting someone suffering from depression or other serious mental illness. Depression can bring about intense sadness, melancholia or despair that has advanced to the point of being disruptive, which can have a grave impact on the ability of others trying to help.
Gosh it's been a few months since I've posted, I lurk the site and read here and there but I haven't come on to say anything in awhile.
A little background. I've been here for over 2 years now getting help from the lovely people on this site. It's interesting the ones who come and go over the time. And the extremely close friends I've made here who have in all honesty become best friends :)
I support my boyfriend who is clinically depressed. We've been together over 6 years now and he hasn't worked in 5. I fully support him financially, emotionally, etc.
He was seeing a counselor last year through the spring (that took years to get to happen) then she moved away (which I feel should be illegal haha)
He won't go to anyone else or try anything else.
My family won't have anything to do with him, dad despises him... Mom listens to dad and steers clear and sister is kind to him but hardly sees him. We live near my family.
His family is 1000 miles away and very supportive of him and I. We both would like to live there (especially him). But I need a job and so does he, getting him to look is painful and getting me a job proves difficult. I make enough money to just barely support us in the comfortable zone. There I need him to work and in all honesty need him to work here soon too.
He is angry and upset. He's lived here just over 5 years and has wanted to move back to his hometown for just over 5 years.
Lately, his anger and frustration is directed at me. He is snapping at me and everything I do upsets him.
Who I talk to, what I say to people, how I say things, my body language, etc...
He is downright not kind to me lately. It's a daily event now for about 2 months that he will snap at me and later on apologize. He hates my family because of there feelings towards him and hates that his family is so wonderful to me. He takes this out on me too. I've let him know in no uncertain terms that he needs to stop getting upset with me about things I have NO control over! He is still not happy with me.
So... Here I am. A person who has worked my butt off to keep this relationship moving and supporting us for over 5 years... And I don't know what's next lately?
I use to get so angry at people on here who would throw in the towel. I understand now. For the past few months I've understood. I'm not throwing in the towel, don't get me wrong, but I am sitting idly by right now. There's not much I can do.
The only thing he wants is millions of dollars to buy junk with and to take his mind off depression. Well, it doesn't work that way. You can't take your mind off depression without actively working to make yourself happier. I don't make him happy these days... I think he is strongly thinking of life without me.
I'll be honest with you, I love him and I dont want to be with anyone but him. I believe we will work it out in the big picture. But right now, in this moment it's sure hard.
A little background. I've been here for over 2 years now getting help from the lovely people on this site. It's interesting the ones who come and go over the time. And the extremely close friends I've made here who have in all honesty become best friends :)
I support my boyfriend who is clinically depressed. We've been together over 6 years now and he hasn't worked in 5. I fully support him financially, emotionally, etc.
He was seeing a counselor last year through the spring (that took years to get to happen) then she moved away (which I feel should be illegal haha)
He won't go to anyone else or try anything else.
My family won't have anything to do with him, dad despises him... Mom listens to dad and steers clear and sister is kind to him but hardly sees him. We live near my family.
His family is 1000 miles away and very supportive of him and I. We both would like to live there (especially him). But I need a job and so does he, getting him to look is painful and getting me a job proves difficult. I make enough money to just barely support us in the comfortable zone. There I need him to work and in all honesty need him to work here soon too.
He is angry and upset. He's lived here just over 5 years and has wanted to move back to his hometown for just over 5 years.
Lately, his anger and frustration is directed at me. He is snapping at me and everything I do upsets him.
Who I talk to, what I say to people, how I say things, my body language, etc...
He is downright not kind to me lately. It's a daily event now for about 2 months that he will snap at me and later on apologize. He hates my family because of there feelings towards him and hates that his family is so wonderful to me. He takes this out on me too. I've let him know in no uncertain terms that he needs to stop getting upset with me about things I have NO control over! He is still not happy with me.
So... Here I am. A person who has worked my butt off to keep this relationship moving and supporting us for over 5 years... And I don't know what's next lately?
I use to get so angry at people on here who would throw in the towel. I understand now. For the past few months I've understood. I'm not throwing in the towel, don't get me wrong, but I am sitting idly by right now. There's not much I can do.
The only thing he wants is millions of dollars to buy junk with and to take his mind off depression. Well, it doesn't work that way. You can't take your mind off depression without actively working to make yourself happier. I don't make him happy these days... I think he is strongly thinking of life without me.
I'll be honest with you, I love him and I dont want to be with anyone but him. I believe we will work it out in the big picture. But right now, in this moment it's sure hard.
It's really hard when the person goes from feeling bad to doing stuff that actively makes you feel bad. My brother is famous for that. If he feels bad, he will actively go from person to person trying to start arguments.
I see what you are saying, when you first see this it's easy to judge how other people handle it. Like you I'm starting to conclude that the only person experiencing it can decide stay or go. Most people don't know how hard it can be.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. It can feel like a thankless job. Sometimes these situations work out and sometimes you have to leave to preserve your own health and well-being. There's nothing wrong with leaving.
It sounds like your boyfriend has become comfortable in his depression. This is actually pretty common. It's easier to sit and be angry about it than get up and make a change.
I'd recommend having a serious talk with him (during one of his good moments) about working together to find a new therapist that he's comfortable with. I'd also recommend telling him that he needs to find a job or the deal's off. You aren't responsible for him, you're responsible for each other. He's not holding up his end.
His hostile behavior towards you could be a reaction to feeling guilty that he's not doing more and he's projecting it onto you or he could be losing interest in the relationship and sees it as a "bother". Either way, he needs to learn to take care of himself.
Self-care is really important in situations like this. Start doing more things for *you* and only you. Go out with friends, have dinner alone somewhere, pamper yourself with whatever resources you have. You deserve it.
It'll get you away from the negativity and might help him recognize that he's pushing you away. You need a break. Don't feel guilty about needing to take care of yourself.
I hope things improve for you. In the meantime, we're here to help.
You are right it is thankless. I did have a talk with him during a good time. We did talk a lot. Beth you mention that he is possibly getting tired of the relationship and sees it as a bother. I have been wondering that. Maybe he is only with me because I do support him. what if he was given endless amounts of money and could support himself would he stay?
He is extremely loving when he is loving. He tells me regularly how much he loves me and how he's sorry he is depressed and sorry he puts me through this. I do believe without a doubt that he loves me but there are things he just has to do in order to keep our relationship prospering or to make it prosper once again really.
frauS did you leave? What do you think?
I just don't know
My brain says, try one HUGE thing to help you two out try it. This is life and love, he's the one you want to be with so it is worth it. Go ahead and move away with him, get a new job, move yourself And just make sure I can take care of me regardless. Then, if it still doesn't work out I really did everything in my power. But I need him slightly on board and I am dragging him on board it won't work if he doesn't try or help
hmmmmph