Depression Supporters Support Group

This community is dedicated to spouses, children, relatives, co-workers and others who are actively supporting someone suffering from depression or other serious mental illness. Depression can bring about intense sadness, melancholia or despair that has advanced to the point of being disruptive, which can have a grave impact on the ability of others trying to help.

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brownielove 07/27/2014

Tonight I had made plans to meet up with my high school girlfriends, really this afternoon. I made the plans awhile ago and he knew about it, I reminded him often about it.

I knew it would be bad. I knew it. I always know it. I don't go out often... Twice so far in 2014. One run in June in the evening with my sister and tonight painting with my friends from high school because they were in town. It is always bad when I have a date like that planned, always! But, I make my choices.

This time is extra expanded because I am going on business for three nights for work. Leaving Tuesday and coming home Friday. He is furious! He can go with me, I have invited him. We can get our own hotel and spend our evenings together. He doesn't want to go.

So... I went painting tonight. We had a wonderful time :) It was great! I forgot about him and his stress for the first couple hours... I gave him an approximate 4 hour time frame I'd be gone. I was gone nearly 5 hours. Not quite.

I texted him to say hi and check on him. We texted a little bit and I got home about 45 minutes after that. He is gone. I called him... we chatted. He wouldn't say he loves me. That is a first for these conversations! We always say we love each other. He is gone, we are texting. He just keeps saying he is angry, in more graphic language. I feel he is extra angry... like I say probably my business trip. He said something I did tonight has made him extra upset. I am writing this as we are texting it is keeping me from losing my sanity.
I told him I was saying my goodbyes, but you know how that goes with girlfriends... an hour later you're still standing in the parking lot talking and hugging. He is upset about that.
This is the thing... he wouldn't be upset if we were in his hometown and he sat home alone all evening watching tv... he is upset because we are in my hometown and he hates it here and here he doesn't have anyone else to call up and see or get together with. That is what is upsetting him. He knows it is unfair to me, and I know I will be upset if I don't allow myself 2 nights a year to do something fun... so I still go. I have to... it should be more often. I would like girls nights out often. I would like to get together with him and my friends.

He is talking through text like we are ending... I need to focus on this. I am getting concerned. My sanity is not staying stable anymore. I am going to cry :(

deleted_user 07/27/2014

My daughter has major depressive disorder and at times can be quite irritable. What you're describing seems to go beyond depression; it sounds like control. I thought it was a typo that you said you go out twice a year (I thought you meant twice a month).

My spouse was abusive and made me feel guilty and caused an argument every time I went out with my friends, and most of the time I was only going a few houses down the street. When I would arrive home, it was always ugly...I paid big time.

Is your spouse on medication? Sometimes you have to go through many meds before you find the right one or combo. My daughter has been on a slew of different meds. She is now on Prozac and Xanax and this combination appears to be working for her. She still has her moments, but they are not that often and not as severe.

brownielove 07/27/2014

You know... I know there is a desire to control there. It is nice hear it from someone else. I do know he was having a terrible time and I know he really needed me around. The thing is that happens so often. I can't stand canceling on people so it is my choice to make few plans. I do do a few other things... I have met with friends in the morning for coffee while he is still asleep or with people for a quick walk. And of course I work so I have that outlet. And together we go out... It is on my own in the evening that he can't stand. He says it reminds him that he is all alone and completely by himself. He doesn't have anyone out here and that upsets him. He needs friends and I have tried to make plans for us... But usually they end up being canceled because he panics. And when they aren't canceled he panics before during and after that they won't like him, they aren't liking him, they didn't like him. It is not fun for me at all.
I truly don't believe he is consciously trying to control me. I believe he is upset he is alone and I'm not. He's jealous. I think he is trying to control his situation so he isn't alone. We've talked before about how he is living without control, I have the job, I have the money, I make my plans because I have my job. He can work, I wish he would. He can have money if he worked to get it, I wish he would. But he doesn't choose to control those things.
He is not on medication and is now on a no counseling kick again. He doesn't want that. Great. So we are back to the beginning. Ugh.
I don't know how this is going to go. I am not sure about these three days I have my work trip. I just don't know. We've talked a lot about sending him back to his hometown for the time I'm gone and he can come back when he's ready... That way he's not alone during that time. I don't know. It's so hard sometimes :(

thralkr 07/27/2014

Ugh, I know how scary that is. Like they are so far beyond rationality that it sounds like they are giving up on their current lives and everything in them. Mine said on Thursday at his visit with the kids that he doesn't think he can be a full time dad but doesn't know what that means for the future. He's done nothing to work on himself. Because as I've suspected all along, the whole issue is him. The kids are not unusually active, unusually loud or unusually misbehaved. I am not some unconcerned spouse who won't support her husband's parenting technique. It's hard to see when you are panicking about his unpredictable actions, but you are more than just his partner and have value as an individual. I know that's not the point about your concern about him, but it's something that is key to remember when worst case scenarios are going through your head.

shinann 07/28/2014

Nothing worse than no meds and no counselor. You know mine actually sees a special psychiatrist. Took us FOREVER to find one of these and we live close to a premiere university that has a center dedicated to treating depression. They even have special. Psychoiatric ER's and yes we have been to them. Anyway my hubs sees a psychiatrist that also has a degree in Neurological Pharmacology. He is medication resistant on top of his multi-diagnosis and needs a "cocktail" of medication. He has learned that he should NEVER be without meds. Has he entertained the thought? Of course...they all get in that "why bother nothing works" mood. However. Now he knows he can't be without. He has done it before and it never goes well. We are still sans therpist since February and his one he loved closed offices. He tried a new one 2 months or so ago and she was NOT a fit (I agree on that). He finally made an appt for another one recommened by another therapist we know. He goes in 4 weeks (he wanted her specifically and she had a full calendar for 2 weeks and is then on vacation). Let's hope this one is a fit.

I know they all. Have this idea sometimes the therapy does not work and. Its pointless. Sometimes it is. Mine. Is so good at telling them what they want to hear and playing the game that many think they. Are helping him and they really aren't. He can manipulate them and convince them all is well when its not - its like a cynical game for them sometimes. When he has been inpatient I always have to warn them of this. He even tells them this sometimes himself and they STILL fa$$ for it sometimes.
I get the need for HIPPA but sometimes, especially in mental health when they need someone to help guide them for that first step of making the appointment and getting to the first appointment, HIPPA is a hinderance. They will never talk to you the acaregiver to set up an initial visit...so stupid.

brownielove 07/28/2014

I do need him to see a counselor. I am losing it personally. He freaked out Saturday! It was him being self pitying and angry with me for being gone. Now... He is thinking reckless things which I am terrified of. I don't know what to do with it. I don't know what to do with him. If he did do one of these reckless things I would honestly feel we couldn't be together. He wants to get money no matter what that does to his life and his credit and I fear it will affect mine. I have talked with him very clearly about options which I am okay with and he is angry that I "won't" let him do this. I told him if he is going to do something like that he needs to get away from me first, I want nothing to do with it. A part of me feels that he is simply wanting me to break up with him and he knows how to do that is to do something like this. Of course I am going to be gone for three days so I am scared for what happens during that time. Oh gosh... It is upsetting and stressful. I am losing it.

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