I'm so sorry your evening turned out this way. I know it's tough when all you want is a basic connection and they can't seem to give you a simple courtesy of telling you where they are and why. I sometimes thought husband got some sort of power trip out of holding information back like that. Like he wanted to feel in control of something so he tried to take control of how I was feeling. It's true that you didn't cause this latest episode and so you cannot end it for him. It's so hard to sit back and just wait for whatever happens. I know my mind constantly mulls over what I could do to change things. The only thing we can really change, though, is ourselves.

You are right. One time he was in a good place and he told me that when he is depressed it sometimes upsets him that others aren't so he feels the need to bring them down too. He told me so nicely- almost as if to warn me that there will be times when he does this and he can't control himself.
He came home- he just went hiking for awhile. He says he feels hopeless and like he can't change his life because we can't afford things to be different. Well... Maybe if he got a job things would be different! That's one of the number one things I just don't get! If you want a change make it!
I don't understand his line of thinking most of the time! Ugh

Hi Brownielove :) Don't feel bad about this I so knwo what you mean about the panic that sets in when you have no idea where they are. I am not sure how much people talk on here about Suicide becuase I am new but I am throwing it out there. Honestly that is what makes me worry the most. now that I have done this as long as I have. I can tell much better what is going on and not panic so much when I have no idea where heis or when he is alone or I am alone for that matter. I am not immunie to suicide and I do not think that it will never happen, but now I think I am better at not panicing and knowing when he is truly serious and when he is not. When he is in a really bad place, suicide as a possibility is always higher. Fair or not, my son has known since he was about 8 or 9 that if you get home form school and Dad does not show up in a 1/2 hour, call me immediately at work. In fact he did it this week. Luckily I knew where my hubs was (at the psychiatrist). its not typical for mine to be "gone" without me and my mind races with all the possibilities of what he could be doing. Usually my first thought when mine is not home when I get home is "what mood is he in? good/bad/indifferent/suicidal lately? then once i get past that I can start thinking of normal possibilities like the party store for more pop or maybe he went to the library or to the comic store or something like that. Sadly I do not think the panic ever really goes away when you do not know where they are.

Another thing to mention, I can't ever grill him about where he is and I can;t "check up" on him anymore. He gets mad if I keep too close of a tab on him. It apparently emasculates him even more.

Money is always an issue too - less so now that he is paying the bills. He sees what everything costs and it also gives him some sense of purpose. Things also got much better when he was approved for Social Security Disability a few years ago for his mental illness. Emotionally the fact he was approved was a huge blow to him. It kind of confirms the fact that this is permanent and its changing your life forever but now a couple years later he has accepted it and sees that check as his contribution as he is "providing: too - not just me working. Honestly the check pays our rent every month and my car payment. Also becuase we have a minor child, we also get a check for him becuase my hubs is on SSDI and that check pays the other car paymnet, the cable and auto insurance. If yours is not on it he should apply - worst they can do is say no.

We also moved a few years ago. Not far but to a more hip cooler town and it did help. There is more to do here and when he is in a good place, its easier for him to occupy his mind and for him to distract himself with things to do while I am gone all day at work. When he is in a bad place nothing really changes that except him. I can however make it end faster. The more time I spend with him the more he improves. Luckily I have a very good job and sometimes I can actually work remote from home so I take advantage of that when he is really bad. I think sometimes he tends to forget how lucky we really are that I have such a good job like that at a company that I keep getting promoted and getting raises, we have a nice place to live in a good city (its actulay like #23 or something like that on the top 100 coolest cities to live list), we have tight weeks sometimes with money but overall its ok and we make it, our kid is near genius and never gets into trouble *well ba trouble anyway) and he has good therapists and psychiatrist and we have awesome insurance that covers all of it so really its not a bad life. With all this though that dark place is always still there - poking its head up at the most inopportune time and never just giving it a break. Even in good times, you can never let your guard down.

I know we are supposed to live our own lives and we can't change them, but I canlt help it. I love him I show my love by trying to "fix" it or make it easier or better and honestly a lot of times that backfires on me. I am sure I am "co-dependent" or whatever but its my life and I still believe even with all this pain and heartache, in the end, he is worth it. Would I do this again if I knew it would be this bad - probably no, but I dont have a time machine so why even wonder that? I may have done it anyway, if I really think about it though...becuase in the end I can't imagine my life without him. He really is the love of my life and I just have to accet who he is and this third "thing" in our lives. its me, him, and the disease. And sometimes its him talking and sometimes its that disease so I just remind myself of that and that is how I get thru it

Thank you :). It sure is nice not to be alone. I often think about would I do this again? Honestly... A couple weeks into our relationship I remember sitting in my car thinking about it- wondering if I wanted this in my life. Could I handle this severe depression? I said yes- I really liked him. I think I would not do it again. But- I can't imagine my life without him. I would survive and honestly I'd thrive it's my nature- kick lots of butt and pull through. But he is the love of my life and I can't imagine me with anyone else. I'd simply travel and be single I believe.
Good to know about the SSIC. I wonder if he'd do it? I don't think so... I think it'd be mortifying to him. Especially now he's in such a terrible place.
Maybe when he's better I'll mention it. I have to have us be good. Codependency- it's been mentioned to me before on here and I feel I may be it to a tee. It's scary- I don't know if it's bad but scary.
We have a very nice and life filled with blessings. My job is stable and good and I can do lots of my work at home so I never really have late nights at all. Our insurance doesn't cover his therapy but I can. He always says "everything sucks". That's practically his slogan- it's infuriating! What?!?! What's sucks?!?! But anyways I appreciate knowing I am not alone ;). Thank you for everything and all your support everyone!! Many hugs sent to you!