Depression Supporters Support Group
This community is dedicated to spouses, children, relatives, co-workers and others who are actively supporting someone suffering from depression or other serious mental illness. Depression can bring about intense sadness, melancholia or despair that has advanced to the point of being disruptive, which can have a grave impact on the ability of others trying to help.
Hi everyone :)
Most of you know the gist of what is going on right now. We are trying to move out of state in about 5 weeks. My family is rude and nasty to my guy. He of course doesn't take this well and they live right here. We might be moving to his hometown... it could provide lots and lots of support. We might be moving to a small mountain town he loves immensely! And we might just pick up and go to a new place and try a new life somewhere. We really shouldn't stay here... we live around the corner from my family and it is just awful for both of us at this point to have them be so hateful (dad not mom in her defense... but she is banned from seeing us still- they have issues and are going to counseling for it.)
So with all this going on.... he is really having a terrible bought of depression!!! It isn't going well at all!
His highs have been EXTREMELY high and he is able to be adventurous when we talk about a new town to go to. And his lows are AWFUL!
He has been talking a lot about scary things. He breaks down and just can't take it anymore. He has told me he feels as though he should never have moved here (moved here 4 years ago to be with me). He gave up a job he loved and in the meantime has forgotten how to function as a human being. He tells me he no longer knows how to live in society or hold a job or be around people. He does have difficulty with all of these. He has cried many times. Yesterday morning he came out of the bathroom and cried stating that he "was thinking.... never mind." He wouldn't tell me what he was thinking because it was too terrible. I am scared for what he was thinking. He still wouldn't tell me and I didn't want to push him too hard.
For the last few days hes been going through a talk with me about why he needs to leave me. It is a lot more talk like this than ever before. Every so often he will tell me this and I will explain to him how awful that would be for me. Over the last few days... he is talking about it all the time.
It scares me. Last night he woke me up in the middle of the night to talk. He says that he can't live through this move and he can't live here any longer. He can't go back to being an active member of society and he can't continue to hibernate inside like he does now with me. He says I deserve better than that... he says he needs to leave me so that I can find someone better. He also brought up my family over and over again and stated that that is why they "hate" him ( they all get included for him but really its just dad who I am not talking to). And iff he leaves me things would be better with my family for me- I explained to him that this is all not true! I've been explaining to him this is all not true each time he brings it up! He just keeps talking about leaving me... :( He has asked me how I don't see everything falling apart as he does. I explained to him that he has us down at the bottom getting attacked by all these outside sources... they are all falling on our heads and hurting us. Where I have us up at the top, untouchable and unable to be hurt by anything... we come before all else. My family should have nothing to do with us and we should be above everything else. That is how relationships thrive! But he is unable to go to that mentality right now. I am scared.
He can't sleep... he hardly eats and then when he does he's binging... I am scared for him. We still have 5 weeks at least before we move! And then once we are moving that will be pretty darn stressful too!
I have suggested to send him out to his hometown now and scope out places to live and jobs and just to get away from here so he isn't anywhere near my family. He has said that he is scared I won't follow him because I will have a taste of the "good life" without him. I have assured him this isn't true (and it does make me feel good to know he at least wants to not lose me, even though he talks of leaving me for me).
He has told me multiple times the thoughts he is thinking are "not good." I don't know what to do! I don't really know who to go to for support with this! I have been asking him multiple times a day lately to look at going to counseling and talking to someone to get through this all.... but he is still saying no.
So what do I do to help him? I want to make sure he doesn't leave me for me. I have even asked him if maybe that is what he wants and that's why he brings it up but he cries and says no that he loves me and won't be able to go on without me.
So what do I do? I need to assure him we are in this together.
How can I help him? He is completely hopeless and terrified! I want to just let him sleep through the whole process, or let him know how truly fun this whole thing can be! Not many people get to up and go and we get to do it in such a fun way! But he doesn't see it... how can I make it easier on him? How can I make sure he doesn't believe that he needs to leave me?
I love him more than anything and I just can't bear to see him so sad and hopeless... he is just in such a terrible place.
Most of you know the gist of what is going on right now. We are trying to move out of state in about 5 weeks. My family is rude and nasty to my guy. He of course doesn't take this well and they live right here. We might be moving to his hometown... it could provide lots and lots of support. We might be moving to a small mountain town he loves immensely! And we might just pick up and go to a new place and try a new life somewhere. We really shouldn't stay here... we live around the corner from my family and it is just awful for both of us at this point to have them be so hateful (dad not mom in her defense... but she is banned from seeing us still- they have issues and are going to counseling for it.)
So with all this going on.... he is really having a terrible bought of depression!!! It isn't going well at all!
His highs have been EXTREMELY high and he is able to be adventurous when we talk about a new town to go to. And his lows are AWFUL!
He has been talking a lot about scary things. He breaks down and just can't take it anymore. He has told me he feels as though he should never have moved here (moved here 4 years ago to be with me). He gave up a job he loved and in the meantime has forgotten how to function as a human being. He tells me he no longer knows how to live in society or hold a job or be around people. He does have difficulty with all of these. He has cried many times. Yesterday morning he came out of the bathroom and cried stating that he "was thinking.... never mind." He wouldn't tell me what he was thinking because it was too terrible. I am scared for what he was thinking. He still wouldn't tell me and I didn't want to push him too hard.
For the last few days hes been going through a talk with me about why he needs to leave me. It is a lot more talk like this than ever before. Every so often he will tell me this and I will explain to him how awful that would be for me. Over the last few days... he is talking about it all the time.
It scares me. Last night he woke me up in the middle of the night to talk. He says that he can't live through this move and he can't live here any longer. He can't go back to being an active member of society and he can't continue to hibernate inside like he does now with me. He says I deserve better than that... he says he needs to leave me so that I can find someone better. He also brought up my family over and over again and stated that that is why they "hate" him ( they all get included for him but really its just dad who I am not talking to). And iff he leaves me things would be better with my family for me- I explained to him that this is all not true! I've been explaining to him this is all not true each time he brings it up! He just keeps talking about leaving me... :( He has asked me how I don't see everything falling apart as he does. I explained to him that he has us down at the bottom getting attacked by all these outside sources... they are all falling on our heads and hurting us. Where I have us up at the top, untouchable and unable to be hurt by anything... we come before all else. My family should have nothing to do with us and we should be above everything else. That is how relationships thrive! But he is unable to go to that mentality right now. I am scared.
He can't sleep... he hardly eats and then when he does he's binging... I am scared for him. We still have 5 weeks at least before we move! And then once we are moving that will be pretty darn stressful too!
I have suggested to send him out to his hometown now and scope out places to live and jobs and just to get away from here so he isn't anywhere near my family. He has said that he is scared I won't follow him because I will have a taste of the "good life" without him. I have assured him this isn't true (and it does make me feel good to know he at least wants to not lose me, even though he talks of leaving me for me).
He has told me multiple times the thoughts he is thinking are "not good." I don't know what to do! I don't really know who to go to for support with this! I have been asking him multiple times a day lately to look at going to counseling and talking to someone to get through this all.... but he is still saying no.
So what do I do to help him? I want to make sure he doesn't leave me for me. I have even asked him if maybe that is what he wants and that's why he brings it up but he cries and says no that he loves me and won't be able to go on without me.
So what do I do? I need to assure him we are in this together.
How can I help him? He is completely hopeless and terrified! I want to just let him sleep through the whole process, or let him know how truly fun this whole thing can be! Not many people get to up and go and we get to do it in such a fun way! But he doesn't see it... how can I make it easier on him? How can I make sure he doesn't believe that he needs to leave me?
I love him more than anything and I just can't bear to see him so sad and hopeless... he is just in such a terrible place.
I know people say that it isn't good to move right now because he is depressed, but I also know you will have more support in his hometown from his family and friends. I wonder if he could work for the same company he was with before, be with people he knows if you moved there? That way it wouldn't be such an adjustment for him. So, I guess I am routing for the hometown for you. I think it would be helpful for you to have the support, too. Maybe after you can move, he will be better in a place he was comfortable with.
In any case, just let him know you CHOOSE to be with him. Tell him he really shouldn't make that decision now. That you love him and want to be with him. Good or bad times, you want to be with him.
Come vent as needed, as always. Take care of you... is it run night tonight? I am sending hugs to you.
I have so many nightmares of my husband actually killing himself but the thing is women like us feel that by controlling what they do we are helping them. You got to step back and see what he does on his own. He probably needs to realize what it feels like away from you in order to be thankful to be with you. And being thankful means not attempting to end their life and doing what they need to do in order to contribute to the marriage. Sometimes we are more supportive by seeing what choices they make on their own.
My husband will have some problem that has totally upset him. I simply say, I am sorry, that must hurt. What do you think you are going to do about it? A lot of the time he will wine and get angry and look at me like I have the answer. The thing is no matter what I say he is not going to like it, so I just don't say anything. He has started working through some of these issues on his own. I have had to tell him that he needs to work it out in a positive manner otherwise if necessary I will call the police. My husband has never hurt me but gets so angry he will throw and break things and hurt himself.
The sleeping thing I would suggest melatonin. My husband takes that on nights he can not sleep. Not sleeping is just has bad if not worse then over sleeping. I will pray for you....
First and foremost, I am so very sorry you are going through this (and that he is going through this). There is a ton of empathy here as I write this (tears in my eyes, even).
Some things I know from my experience on both ends of this equation:
1. You can not stop him from hurting himself. There are things you can do to make him safer (i.e. if he talks about cutting, locking away the knives), but, if someone is committed to hurting themselves, there is nothing you can do except call 911. There are a ton of ways to hurt yourself in the house alone.
2. If he chooses to hurt himself, he is making that choice. It IS a choice. Everyone always has a choice. I tell you this because you can not make this choice for him. You ARE NOT responsible for his choice. (This fits into what needingtobreathe said).
3. You can only reassure him you are in this together if he accepts the assurance. There is nothing more you can do if he will not. I try and tell my girlfriend that I love her for who she is and that I will always be here for support. That is all I can say though.
4. It is also his choice whether or not to get help (with some exceptions listed below). I do often say the statement in #3 and follow it up with "...and I am not a counselor and you really need to ask for their help with this. They are trained in how best to help you." Even though she sees a counselor now, I still will say this sometimes. I am her boyfriend, not her counselor and do not want to become her counselor as that will ruin the relationship.
I might be sounding slightly harsh and that is not my intention. I will say, however, that my reaction comes because you are so stressed by trying to "make sure" he does this or doesn't do that. And the simple fact is you can not make him do anything. And it is often not your responsibility to do so.
I truly do care about what happens for you and him. The next part is scary to hear, but it needs to be said, I think. Keep in mind I am not a counselor, I just have a lot of personal experience in all of this from both sides. I also am not in your situation, but just see what you write here. I may be wrong - hope I am even - but do not think so.
Your post threw up multiple red flags in my head that he is in danger of seriously hurting himself.
1. He talks of not being able to live in society anymore.
2. He is distancing himself from you.
3. He is having suicidal/self-harm ideations (thoughts).
4. He is making veiled references to hurting himself.
5. His sleeping habits have changed.
6. He says he can't take it anymore.
7. His eating habits have changed.
Here is a site listing warning signs:
http://www.suicide.org/suicide-warning-signs.html
I am not trying to be alarmist in any way, but these are all big red flags. He may not be thinking down this road, but his actions and comments point towards him seriously hurting himself.
Please get help helping him. This is a great resource article. I KNOW it is hard to look at and think about, but it is so important.
http://www.livestrong.com/article/233811-what-to-do-if-your-spouse-is-suicidal/
3 things that I think are crucial in this article: 1. Make an appointment with a therapist for him. Do everything you can to get him to go. 2. There is a hotline listed on the page. If you are truly worried, CALL it. Don't wait. Most importantly:
If you are very worried he may hurt himself - call 911 (preferably out of earshot of him so he does not panic and act irrationally). He may be angry now, but I personally would rather have someone angry for now than seriously hurt or worse.
Brownie, I am terribly sorry you are in this situation. I wish I could be there to support you as a friend in this time as it sounds like there is not a lot of support for you right now. That said, message me or post here anytime.
Take care my friend. My best wishes to you and him.
Each of you has helped me so much through your support and kind words of encouragement.
I will debrief you on where we are now:
Two nights ago... he was still in such a terrible place (the day I posted this). That night he woke me up 4 times to talk. He said he was angry with me for not giving up like he has. He was angry with me for looking positively about our future. He is completely broken and will never be able to function in society again, he doesn't believe he will be able to be supportive and be with me throughout life because he won't be able to live life. This went on and on all night. I said "I'm sorry you feel that way." "I'm sorry but that is what I know is true and I am not going to change what I know to be true." Many statements like that.
The fourth time he woke me up- I sat up and just told him straight out (probably more aggressive and stern than needed but I have been lacking SO much sleep through all this!!!).
I told him, "you are not broken for life. Together you and I will rebuild our life...."
I kept talking I did not stop. And while I spoke I told him that three months ago he was not broken. Three months ago we were not moving, we had decided to stay here in my hometown and stay with the stability of my job. Then my father came over. I told him he was letting this old man's anger and depression take its toll on my man! My dad has no control over our life and we CAN'T let him have control over our life.
I explained to him that he was fine three months ago. He was looking forward to our future. He was looking forward to these projects he was working on. He was excited about where we were headed.
I spoke and spoke and spoke. He just lied there and listened. Then I was done. He hugged me and rolled over and went to sleep. SLEEP!! The first time in FOREVER he went to sleep!!!
The next day, I came home to a man who had researched apartments in his hometown (where we are likely moving in about 4 weeks! yikes! haha). He called places, he researched, he had notes, he had a smile on his face and excitement in his voice. We looked together and ranked what we liked and what were must haves and vetoes. We talked and talked.
All this being said to give you the update. :)
My dear love of my life is still very scared, and very depressed. I saw it in his eyes yesterday still. I see it in the fact he woke up a bunch last night. I received a phone call yesterday to have an interview for a job out there... that is a good sign :)
I know this is going to be tough through it all and throughout the whole moving process. And I know it will be tough on me. I've never lived away from the city I am in. I love my city- lots of people love my city! :) It's awesome- as are it's natives ;)
However, I am excited for the adventure! I am excited for the change and to hopefully see the change in my love. He will work there at his old job. I haven't seen him work in nearly 4 years. I miss the look on his face of having been productive and done something good. I believe it will be a great experience. A life adventure :)
Bpdistough---
I want to say thank you. I know this will sound odd. But, reading your post helped me feel relief. I tend to be a positive thinker like you. I truly feel that if you just don't put it out in the air a lot of times it won't happen. I try to always avoid negative thoughts. That being said, what you posted about and provide sites for help for have been in my mind. I drove home one day last week trying to prepare myself for the worst- telling myself okay, 1st call 911 before you go hysterical!
Hearing you also share your concerns lets me know I'm not going over the deep end. This weekend I intend to read everything you provided and more on these topics. I want to ensure I am proactive and not reactive. I want to be prepared to help him if he falls down this low again, especially with all these changes going on in our life.
Thank you to all my dear friends! I can't tell you how much this site keeps me sane and how you truly are my friends :)
I wish you all a wonderful weekend. Hugs to all!
I am SO relieved to hear from you. I have been very worried for you and him!
I am so glad he is getting more excited about the move. It will not fix everything for him, but it sounds like it will provide more support for you both.
And I am proud of you for accepting the situation as it is (and I think this is where your relief comes from - just a guess). As you have noted, I am a positive thinker and part of the way I do this, oddly, is constantly try and accept the notion that, "it is what it is," as neither "positive" or "negative." I try and leave the judgment out of it and just look at the situation as is. Sometimes we try so hard to put a positive spin on a situation that we actually stress ourselves out.
For instance, I have severe, disabling fibromyalgia. That is what it is. I can not change it. By accepting that (and I can't always), I am able to then look beyond it for the positives I still have. I try not to list having fibro as a bad thing, but instead just part of my life that changes the way I have to live.
One last thing I would suggest - and it is scary to do - is have a conversation with him sometime when he is feeling "good" about whether or not he has a plan for hurting himself. My understanding from experience and multiple talks with different mental health professionals is that this is the biggest warning sign. It does not mean panic if he does, but knowing this helps you help him. If he does, talk frankly, firmly, and compassionately with him about getting help...right now...even if it just a few counseling sessions prior to the move and then more once you have moved.
Again, that is just advice. But any time I have gone to the ER or called a helpline (for myself or someone else), one of the first questions they ask if if there is a plan. That usually greatly upgrades their concern.
I am starting to feel like, between your posts and mine, we could put together a book here...lol. Quite a lot of info, emotion, and a strong story line.
I hope you have a great weekend. Again, I am so glad to hear from you!
Take care!
I can't tell you how much the friendships I have made here mean to me!
That is a good idea to talk with him about a plan... especially as you say that is what raises people's concerns. I will do that.
I know certainly the move will not fix everything- really anything. But I do believe that part of his anger and sadness comes from having moved to this place he never wanted to live. He has never given it a chance or a try to make it a likable place for him. But he has been here with me, in a place he hates for a long time now. I owe it to him to go to his hometown now. And our opportunities do look richer there- my job here is secure but my pay is not with all the cuts taking place. He can go back to his old job and I have an interview this week out there :)
I believe working again at a place he is comfortable will be huge! I is truly getting more and more excited :) As am I- a lot of people don't get to up and move to a new place. I am fortunate to be able to include this in my life story :)
And yes... I believe we could write a book! In fact, we should write a book! It could be a best seller and we could be set for life :) lol... I do thank you for all your support! I hope your weekend is going well everyone! :)