Depression Supporters Support Group
This community is dedicated to spouses, children, relatives, co-workers and others who are actively supporting someone suffering from depression or other serious mental illness. Depression can bring about intense sadness, melancholia or despair that has advanced to the point of being disruptive, which can have a grave impact on the ability of others trying to help.
I am sorry everyone- I feel I have been on here posting too much and so much and just unloading. But I need some sort of something to happen.
For some reason I am okay still but maybe it is because I come back here to all of you... I don't know.
Unloading:
He is so stressed and anxious! Everything is upsetting him right now. I just don't know what to do really or how to handle it.
I feel like I could just say- you take care of it all and you make it work however you want and I will follow.
If this is what I did- we would sell our cars, buy an RV (at this point the plan would cease because we can't afford an RV, but for entertainment purposes I shall continue :), drive around the country in the RV, and do whatever we want to do, probably never talking to my family again.
So... it is scary to trust him to make all these plans. And by the same token- he doesn't want to. He doesn't want to do any work... he wants me to take care of all the difficult stuff and let him fall into it. And honestly, if I could I would. It is so stressful.
My sister leaves for another state for an internship for 3 months this weekend. He wants to live where she is going- he has since he was a little boy. He is so jealous of her that he hates her right now and we can't talk about her.
I signed up to do a running series to try to keep me motivated to exercise. When I signed up... I knew I might be shooting myself in the foot because he sometimes can let commitments like this (even though they are mine) get to him and upset his stress level. Tonight is the first night in a weekly running series- he's upset. He wants me to have company- unbeknownst to him I invited my sister early this week (actually months ago but she's a terrible planner so I re-invited her for the 10th time this past week). She got back to me that she can't go. But I somewhat un-invited her because last night he told me he wanted to take me and cheer me on. I was VERY excited!! What a wonderful man!! My sister was being flakey so I told her I didn't want to hang on waiting on her to see what would happen so we should plan something stable and for sure for later.
I told him- he's mad. He was only going with me so I wouldn't be alone. I don't mind being alone! I'm always doing these activities alone because I know he won't want other people to go if he goes, and I'd like him to go if he wants to- even if he decides at the last minute.
Okay- worst part is- I was planning on going alone the whole time!!! I only invited my sister so maybe we could spend time together before she leaves and he mentioned going with me randomly! Both great situations but I don't mind going alone it is SO not a big deal! Its about 45 minutes away, in fact I have to leave very soon, and it'll just be a nice drive to a town I LOVE with a fun vibe and atmosphere of happy running people! I NEED happy people hahaha! I am a happy person and I need to surround myself with them.
So, he was upset, I got home he is in bed. Stuff is broken- expensive stuff! He told me to go alone, he can't get out of bed.
All this because he is upset my sister couldn't go with me- to which I told him repeatedly that she's not going because I pushed her out of it because I understood he wanted to go and I was wrong.
He doesn't care. He hates my family and my family dynamic. I understand- I just wish he didn't take it out on me.
Will it be better if I just move us to his hometown? At least we will be in a much smaller city and things won't be so far away. We will be surrounded by his family and friends and I think he will greatly appreciate that! But he is scared it will be bad with his family too. What if they cause him grief and anxiety? I can't tell him they will or they won't- all I can do is be here for him.
So what do I do? I know there is no right or wrong answer- but I feel there's got to be something I am doing very poorly and could improve upon.
I am not sure if I should do tonights run either. should I be supportive and stay or go enjoy the run? Probably go- maybe I can talk him into going. I think it would be so good for him to be surrounded by happy people and beautiful scenery!
Does someone have a "make life easy" powder out there? :)
For some reason I am okay still but maybe it is because I come back here to all of you... I don't know.
Unloading:
He is so stressed and anxious! Everything is upsetting him right now. I just don't know what to do really or how to handle it.
I feel like I could just say- you take care of it all and you make it work however you want and I will follow.
If this is what I did- we would sell our cars, buy an RV (at this point the plan would cease because we can't afford an RV, but for entertainment purposes I shall continue :), drive around the country in the RV, and do whatever we want to do, probably never talking to my family again.
So... it is scary to trust him to make all these plans. And by the same token- he doesn't want to. He doesn't want to do any work... he wants me to take care of all the difficult stuff and let him fall into it. And honestly, if I could I would. It is so stressful.
My sister leaves for another state for an internship for 3 months this weekend. He wants to live where she is going- he has since he was a little boy. He is so jealous of her that he hates her right now and we can't talk about her.
I signed up to do a running series to try to keep me motivated to exercise. When I signed up... I knew I might be shooting myself in the foot because he sometimes can let commitments like this (even though they are mine) get to him and upset his stress level. Tonight is the first night in a weekly running series- he's upset. He wants me to have company- unbeknownst to him I invited my sister early this week (actually months ago but she's a terrible planner so I re-invited her for the 10th time this past week). She got back to me that she can't go. But I somewhat un-invited her because last night he told me he wanted to take me and cheer me on. I was VERY excited!! What a wonderful man!! My sister was being flakey so I told her I didn't want to hang on waiting on her to see what would happen so we should plan something stable and for sure for later.
I told him- he's mad. He was only going with me so I wouldn't be alone. I don't mind being alone! I'm always doing these activities alone because I know he won't want other people to go if he goes, and I'd like him to go if he wants to- even if he decides at the last minute.
Okay- worst part is- I was planning on going alone the whole time!!! I only invited my sister so maybe we could spend time together before she leaves and he mentioned going with me randomly! Both great situations but I don't mind going alone it is SO not a big deal! Its about 45 minutes away, in fact I have to leave very soon, and it'll just be a nice drive to a town I LOVE with a fun vibe and atmosphere of happy running people! I NEED happy people hahaha! I am a happy person and I need to surround myself with them.
So, he was upset, I got home he is in bed. Stuff is broken- expensive stuff! He told me to go alone, he can't get out of bed.
All this because he is upset my sister couldn't go with me- to which I told him repeatedly that she's not going because I pushed her out of it because I understood he wanted to go and I was wrong.
He doesn't care. He hates my family and my family dynamic. I understand- I just wish he didn't take it out on me.
Will it be better if I just move us to his hometown? At least we will be in a much smaller city and things won't be so far away. We will be surrounded by his family and friends and I think he will greatly appreciate that! But he is scared it will be bad with his family too. What if they cause him grief and anxiety? I can't tell him they will or they won't- all I can do is be here for him.
So what do I do? I know there is no right or wrong answer- but I feel there's got to be something I am doing very poorly and could improve upon.
I am not sure if I should do tonights run either. should I be supportive and stay or go enjoy the run? Probably go- maybe I can talk him into going. I think it would be so good for him to be surrounded by happy people and beautiful scenery!
Does someone have a "make life easy" powder out there? :)
I get the feeling that you often change the way you do things to try and make him happy. Is he happy?
Sometimes we put the DP on a sort of pedestal and I think, in the long run, that hurts them.
You made a commitment to yourself and this program. He knows this.
If I had been in your shoes today, I would have told him I love him and am sorry he feels so bad. Then I would have told him that I am planning to leave at "X" time and would love for him to go. Then I would drop it. At "X" time I would tell him I am going and ask one more time if he wants to go. If not, I would say "I love you and I will see you later. I hope you feel better." Then I would go.
In terms of moving - when we are depressed, it often seems like life would be so much better if we could just move from where we are to somewhere else. That doesn't work out very well usually. Our old problems are still there.
Just my opinions here. Certainly, I am not in your position and so it is hard to know if any of this applies in your situation.
And there is no reason to apologizing for unloading here. We all need a place to vent.
I hope it gets better for you. You have support here. Take care.
I've been following your moving story. The one thing I remember is that he has never been happy where you are now. I also know you are happy around his family. While I TOTALLY agree that you shouldn't move (or make any major decision) while you are depressed, I also know that it might be helpful for you to have support of his family. But... the RV, maybe when you guys are retired. ;-)
One last thing... what do you always tell me when I come on here and apologize for posting too much or unloading too much??? Hmmm??? Don't apologize, it is what we are here for. And hearing the things that are troubling you helps all of us, by discussing and offering ideas we all benefit!
Take care! Hugs to you!
Usually however it actually works. Last night, I didn't go on the run... he works himself up so much that he feels terrible. I went and got him some food because he hadn't eaten all day and he pulled right out of his mood. Well- somewhat right out- he's still depressed but much much better!
But, even though it does create a temporary fix to the problem... it doesn't make it permanent. But is that better? I'm not sure.
I have wondered this a lot especially in coming here and hearing peoples suggestions. I am really getting so much better at making sure I take care of me physically, mentally, emotionally... but I still make sure I am there for him. I don't think this is a bad thing- but it is tiring. I canceled my gym membership a few years ago and now to all my exercise at home. It helps because he knows I will just be in the neighborhood jogging and I am doing my work out video in the room... it keeps him more calm. And I don't mind- it saves me money and it's been working. It only really is hard during cold spells when I can't run outside because I freeze haha. But I wonder, am I sacrificing too much for him sometimes? Like skipping my run yesterday- he was so happy I stayed with him and let him lay on my lap and eat food and watch baseball. But, I missed my run. But, I know today is so much better than it would be had I not missed my run.
Next week I am running- no missing. I think he will go with me- he told me to run and apologized over and over for being happy I missed it. It was fine- but it makes it hard to ever have plans or to ever expect things.
I feel that in moving to his hometown- since he is completely comfortable with all his friends and family there it would take out this feeling of fear he has with these unknowns. I will run there, but he ran there. He knows it better than most- lived there is whole life and is a sort of explorer type so he is very very comfortable. His best friends he grew up with are there, comfortable job he loved and had before, family who is so supportive, his best friend today that comes out to visit us at times. I feel that it might make it easier on me because he will be in his element?
But, I definitely have the fear of what if nothing changes. What if he is still depressed and so sad? I don't think he will be- at least not in the same way. He will always struggle with depression but it is so much deeper and darker here away from everyone he loves but me. I think that being surrounded by love he will be able to pull himself out more often and feel like he means something. I feel that is a problem here... he feels that he doesn't mean anything to anyone but me. If anything happened to him it is all me taking care of everything until his family and friends came to help me. And then my friends would be here for me.
I am just unloading again... thank you for listening and your advice. I do need to weigh what to do overall- I do feel the move will be good.
However, I am not sure how to deal with the changing what I am doing to accomodate him. I suppose I will deal with that after the move?
And then of course, we may not move that is always a possibility. He has been bringing that up a lot lately too. **sigh** I know it will be fine... it is just me getting breath here and releasing.
Thank you so much for listening and helping :)
Good luck on your run! I'll be cheering you on in spirit! Go brownie go!!!
To my "ear" it still sounds as if you feel you are a bother or unworthy of having others listen to your problems.
I am pretty sure I speak for others, but know I speak for myself when I say I am glad you are here. I am glad you tell us your thoughts. I am honored you come to us for advice. And I appreciate your advice in return.
And you have a lot on your mind and we are objective listeners.
No more apologies :-)
I hope you are having a good day! Take care!
I will literally be hearing you in my head as I am running next Wednesday :) I truly appreciate that! :)
And bpdis- you literally have brought tears to my eyes. :)
Thank you for your kind words. :)
I am so grateful to be apart of this group and have everyone's loving support. :) With him being so down and unable to provide love at times (and others being so loving that i just cry and cry with gratitude) and my family having cut me out essentially for putting up with my depressed love... I have felt very alone over the past few months. I do feel that I am just constantly unloading... but I thank you for all being here to listen and help me through it. :)
Honestly... if my internet went down or I was unable to come here for this support- I would lose it! I would miss you all so dearly... I feel we have become so close and I am so grateful to each and everyone of you! :)
Thank you for being the wonderful support that you are :)
Many hugs to each and everyone of you!