Dementia Support Group
Dementia is the progressive decline in cognitive function due to damage or disease in the brain beyond what might be expected from normal aging. Particularly affected areas may be memory, attention, language and problem solving, although particularly in the later stages of the condition, affected persons may be disoriented in time, place and person (not knowing who they...
Hi. My situation is very unique but I'll try to explain it as best I can. I'm a college student and I live at home. My dad has dementia and my mom is his caregiver. My parents have never been extra friendly with my high school boyfriend's, but I'm in college now. My boyfriend and I have been together for over two years and we are very serious. My boyfriend feels left out or neglected because my parents don't reach out to him the way that his parents do to me (and the way his previous girlfriends' families have). I'm not worried that he will break up with me over it. The fact that my boyfriend and soon to be husband is so saddened by the fact that my parents haven't invited him over for dinner is unprecedented. My boyfriend has met my parents in person once or twice, very briefly. My family never has anybody over. We just don't. That's our *normal.* It used to be the idea that my boyfriend's never panned out, and having them around would just make things worse for my dad's confusion. My dad actually knows and consistently remembers my boyfriend's name! It just makes me feel sad to know that my better half is sad. This is probably the biggest cause of friction for us. He says he doesn't want to fight or talk about it anymore but I know he still feels ignored. He knows about my dad's condition and how very unusual my life at home can be, and he still feels like my family doesn't care about him. He just wants a chance ( to make a good impression or something? ) and I wish things could be different so everyone can be happy. This isn't a deal breaker for us by any means but it would be nice to be able to plan on my dad having a "good day" with no appointments or visits. So yeah, thanks for reading about my life and problems. Xoxo
I get where hes coming from. I had several GFs (Hs and up through college incidentally) that had families like that for various reasons. If that's been the 'norm' for your family, that's just all there is to it. Make sure that he understands that. (sounds like you have.) There might not be a fix, but I can make some suggestions.....
- First, I think the argument that 'if he really cares' is hogwash, no offense Katikam42. The argument that "anyone would [understand that]" is also a fallacy. I'm 'anyone' and I'd find it difficult to understand if I was in his shoes too. Don't start blaming the guy that's been supportive this whole time; there's no reason to try and knock out what sounds like one of the OP's emotional support pillars. In setups like this, EVERYONE is impacted, even BFs. And this has been ongoing for 2 years it sounds like and the guy is still there. That's HARDLY a call for a 'bad BF' claim! I've got friends with worse BFs, husbands, and (understandably) ex-husbands. What if all he really wants is Dads's permission to ask for marriage? Maybe he's very traditional? This could be a big issue then. There's too many variables in play to start making blanket statements about her BF's character.
- Moiracar93, have you considered inviting the 'rents OUT? So that they join you and him? I'm not sure how possible it is considering the unknown extent of your father's condition, but my future MIL is able to manage places that she used to visit frequently like the local museum quite well. Ours has a nice café/cafeteria setup and is actually rather popular for events. Xmas shopping turned out to be a challenge unfortunately, but things like that may be possible for you; again, I have no idea in your case, but I'm just throwing mud at the wall. If it's warm where you are, maybe an outdoor activity may work? And it sounds corny, but volunteering as a group (especially involving something you dad used to do) may be an avenue.
- I suspect the issue is more than likely your mom. It sounds like she has become the gatekeeper. I agree with Katikam42 that your mom is very very VERY likely exhausted, and that taking your dad out is just MORE that she would have to deal with. I know I HATE having to drag my MIL out to things. (side comment: I call her a "4-year-old with a bank account"....no sense and money to burn. Try telling a formerly extremely independent old woman with a massive sweet tooth "no" to a candy bar in the grocery store line (because she's diabetic) without looking like an A-hole. She's an adult and it's her money, right? I know I get looks, but what am I supposed to do? Just getting in the car can be SUCH an ordeal!!) On the plus side, you live there, so you see the struggle. That will help. She's cant say you don't understand or that you don't get it. Try and have a direct convo with your mom about it (without anyone else around). Stress that you are an adult (a young one, sure, but still....an adult) and that you need to have frank adult-to-adult conversations with her about your future(s). let her know that you care, that you're concerned, and that you want to help, but that she needs to recognize that cutting your BF out is cutting YOU out as well, or at least a large part of you, and a growing part at that (it sounds like). Ask her at what point will your BF be important enough to be let in? What has to happen to make him relevant to her? At what point will she look back and say "I wish I'd gotten to know him"?
Hang in there, and I give the guy props. Eventually your Mom will probably get it. I just hope its while your dad is 'still there' enough to appreciate him, too.
Feel free to add/comment/update and maybe we can help you out more?