That was supposed to be....when I tell her why she needs to be there, it doesn't work.

A few days ago, my mom's aid at the nursing home was trying to change and wash my mom when she had an accident. She rarely has them so doesn't wear diapers, she's 92 and in a nursing home.

My mom said " I can't do anything for myself , I may as well be in a nursing home" . I looked at the aid and said" don't say it!!!!" . She is in a nursing home, but thinks she's in a hospital and is not well.
I let her think that as she is constantly asking me why I don't take her home and has pleaded with me to take her home. I feel so guilty, and will never forgive myself for placing her , but I know she couldn't function at home. You can always tell your mom the same thing, when she is better, then she can go home. We, of course, know they will never get better, unless a miracle happens.
I'm sorry you have to go through this, I know it hurts.

My mom said " You put me in here, you can take me out." what does one say to that?

I empathize with you both, swimguy and jazzkeys. My mother is also in an ALF, one that was converted into a memory-care facility a few months after her arrival. I have spent A LOT of time there and still spend considerable time there, both with my mother and as a volunteer for resident activities, many of which residents now have varying degrees and types of cognitive impairment and with several of whom I have developed warm friendships.

What seems to work for me with residents who have some mild memory loss is to listen to them, acknowledge their desire to go home and how difficult it must be to not be able to return home, and then re-direct them to a more enjoyable, positive topic or activity.

With residents who have significant memory-loss, I simply say that I understand and then re-direct them as if I just had a sudden new thought. It re-directs their attention immediately.

Since all types of dementia are different and not all involve significant memory loss, or some days are better or worse than others, I find that flexibility is needed with respect to one's approach. Sometimes, re-directing isn't even necessary; what matters is simply that someone is listening to them and acknowledging their feelings, their longing for home. Often, especially with respect to elderly people with dementia, the desire to go home is actually not the return to a house or apartment but the longing for the life they once lived, usually a life spent with spouses and children in a home once shared and enjoyed together.

As for my situation with my mother, I had to move her into an ALF 1.5 years ago (also after post-hospitalization skilled-nursing) when I just couldn't care for her at home anymore (very similar to what you, Swimguy, described, but as a result of advanced Parkinson's Disease). Oh, how my mother put up a fight when I wouldn't let her return to her home!! All the explaining, rationalizing and apologizing in the world didn't help, and I completely burned myself out -- physically, mentally and emotionally -- as her around-the-clock "fixer." I had myself convinced that, if I worked hard and long enough to fix all her complaints, my mother would accept and get comfortable with her new surroundings and stop insisting upon returning home.

About six months ago, my mother finally stopped insisting on returning home. It took me another two or three months to figure out that her continued daily complaints are her passive-aggressive way of reminding me what I "did to her." That was a turning point for me, at which time I stopped my explaining and rationalizing, both directly and indirectly, and began making time again, finally, for much-needed self-care despite it taking away some time with my mother. Some days now, too, I turn off the phone for a few hours.

We caregivers are great at beating ourselves up, so I now remind myself that I am doing the very best I can under very difficult circumstances and that, on a soul level, my mother will hopefully understand even if, intellectually, she can't or doesn't want to do so.

I hope that some of what I've written both generally and about my own caregiver journey helps you, Swimguy, and some other caregivers who may read this. I wish you well with your mother.