Dementia Support Group
Dementia is the progressive decline in cognitive function due to damage or disease in the brain beyond what might be expected from normal aging. Particularly affected areas may be memory, attention, language and problem solving, although particularly in the later stages of the condition, affected persons may be disoriented in time, place and person (not knowing who they...
I hate to say this but I don't love my mother! Haven't for a long time! She has been such a bitch to everyone that right now I'm the only one in the family who has stepped up! Drove my sweet Father away but always kept in contact with me! Not my sibling, not even her own sister! Yes, I always had a clean house and "things" but motherly love and support,,,no way! Maybe she was OK when I was little but for as long as I can remember, it was criticisms and put downs and accusations! She constantly called me a slut, a whore, accused me of stealing her money... if she misplaced a dollar, I TOOK IT! And it wasn't warranted! Never got in trouble! Honor roll! Band! Excelled at my job! When I finally could afford to move out was the happiest day of my life! Now I've had to move back cause no one else will help her! My other parent's dead and she would lose the house and who knows what would happen to her! I couldn't stand that so I came back! Its been 3 years now and not one second of support! I've tried outside nurses and she won't let them in the house! No one else in family helps! Have even put a block on phone against our phone number! Can't even call anyone if there's an emergency! And its the same as it used to be only 10x worse! Constant accusations and criticisms, but now the questions and hallucinations on top of that plus having to manage all her affairs and & on top of my own! She can still care for herself physically, but can't even describe her mental state! But her Drs. don't see it! They ask her questions and she answers fine! She's just super bitch with me! Taken videos to her doc and his response is that's just something I have to endure! Really feel like I'm losing it and I don't know where to turn! She won't accept outside help and I can't contact anyone in family! My emotional state is starting to scare me because I'm becoming an angry recluse!
If she knows enough to use restraint with her verbal abuse in front of doctors then she could exercise the same control when alone with you. She "chooses" to verbally and emotionally abuse you.
It's all up to whether you get to the point of not taking any more and leave.
The Caring For Elderly Parents forum in DS is a great site; hope to see you over there.
PD
Dad is 86. In his youth and middle years he was an evil person who mental health was questionable. He ruled people with money and fear. Now everyone he knew is either dead or don't care about him. That leaves me--an only child.
Four years ago I moved in with him. My husband had passed and I knew my father needed help. I gave him lots of money and he gladly accepted it while torturing me night and day. He became dangerous, hallucinated, told lies about me. He was like he'd been when I was growing up only then there were plenty of people around that he could torture. We were rotated and mom often took my turn.
I moved in and moved out after my blood pressure skyrocketed and my doctor feared for my health. I was grieving the loss of my husband, barely hanging on to life myself. And my dad was doing everything to push me over the edge. He'd say things like you were a lousy wife or your husband didn't love you, all untrue.
Even though I moved, I still came back, hoping to help him. He continued to torture me. Then I had a stroke at his house and watched him standing at the door as the ambulance took off with me in it, his eyes cold. He didn't even bother to come to the hospital until the next day and that was to pick me up. I was blessed, no permanent damage, but it was a wake up call for me. Or so I thought.
A week later, I was back, determined to help him. I thought maybe it was dementia. Maybe a mental illness. Not his fault. I thought I could get help for him. I was wrong. Every place I called told me the same thing. He's an adlult. He can't be forced to do anything. I was prepared to stay even with my doctor telling me how dangerous he was. Even with her telling me I could have another stroke or worse. It was too much stress and my body was not reacting well.
I was prepared to give my life for my father, but when he became violent towards me I knew that it had to end. Even as a child he hadn't done that. It took me three and a half years to accept that I could not help him. He was a drowning man, but he didn't want help and if you tried, he'd drag you down then swim to shore.
I'm telling you about this because I finally had to face facts: I couldn't go on trying to help him when he didn't want help. Like your mother, my dad is still able to care for himself. His mental state was always there and he'd survived 86 years with it. My doctor said this was typical, the stress that was killing me was making him thrive. They live a long time. Something about their biochemistry.
A state agency told me that if it's proven that he can't care for himself they would step in.
Nowadays, I still talk to him. Sometimes everyday. I stand on the sideline, observing, the state agencies phone number at the ready. But it's the sideline, meaning, every now and then he'll get a strike, but it's not every day. When he's bad, I stay away. I send his phone calls directly to voice mail. I've made friends. I see my grand children. I enjoy life.
I'm telling you my story because sometimes you just have to walk away. I know there are many people who will tell you not to do it. I used to be one of them. But stress leads to strokes, heart attacks, cancer--all serious. Our bodies are simply not designed to work in such misery. So I made a decision. I realized I had two choices: I could leave and observe from a distance, or I could leave in a coffin, his cold eyes watching as they toss dirt on it.