Death and Complicated Grief Community Group
Has it been months/years, and you're still grieving the death of a loved one? Are the feelings of loss debilitating and not improving? Welcome to complicated grief.
My mom passed away 2 days ago and I am filled with guilt. For years my mother and I have had our share of differences and I have deep deep regret for not doing things with her and staying with her a day before she was sleeping and I didn't want to disturb her. I received the phone call when she was already dying and I had no chance to say goodbye. I feel regret from not doing things with her that she asked, she even paid me 20 dollars to come on a special day and I didn't go and I just hate myself and feel like the worst daughter in the world. I wish I could have just died with my mom.
Grief has many emotions to it:
Shock, anger, blame, self-blame, questioning, deep pain and heartache, longing, feeling empty...these are normal natural parts of grieving.
There isn't a person on the planet that doesn't have some regrets for things said or done/not said or not done. So it is important that you are acknowledging those regrets but it is also very important that you let those regrets go. For some people, they ask God to forgive them, for some people they declare outloud that they forgive themselves, for some people, they quietly release these regrets knowing there is nothing they can do to change the past now, for other people they need to get their anger out and express it in healthy ways so they don't hurt themselves. Healthy ways example --swimming while physically expressing your anger, screaming into a pillow, pounding nails while building something-like a bird house etc.
It is not healthy to keep regretting over and over day after day and condemning yourself.
Start to balance out your grief regret thoughts with good things about your mom and good things you did with her.
I said some very hurtful nasty words to my Dad about going not wanting to fishing with him that hurt him very deeply. I regretted for years saying that after he died. Eight years later and now I go fishing to honour him and even use his poles. It was hard to do at first and still hurts because I still miss him so much but I have turned the horrible words into a positive.
Be gentle with yourself. Losing a parent alters our landscape forever and the pain and heartache you feel right now may be overwhelming but you will be able to have more relief of the pain when you forgive yourself and release those regrets. Your Mom forgives you and she wouldn't want you to keep carrying them with you.
Give yourself time. Grief takes time. Grieving takes a lot out of us both physically and emotionally. It is important to get extra rest and healthy food even when we don't feel like eating. Be kind to yourself right now. You are going through a deep heart wrenching time in your life so give yourself all the loving you can give because you are worth it. Your Mom thinks so too.
BIG warm blanket hug around your heart right now. [♡]