Death and Complicated Grief Community Group
Has it been months/years, and you're still grieving the death of a loved one? Are the feelings of loss debilitating and not improving? Welcome to complicated grief.
I can't help but wonder if our culture has exacerbated the grieving process.
We do so much to avoid death. Preservation of life is paramount, for obvious reasons. So much energy is expended in action and discussion to stave off 'the worst' yet, when 'the worst' happens, you've got a few short weeks to move on and get over it. I don't get it.
A few days ago while watching tv, I watched a woman cry over the near death of her child. In confusion and abject terror, she whisks her child to the hospital for life saving treatment. Everyone was silent while she told her story, some had tears in their eyes. "What was it like? What did you do?" were some of the questions. Thankfully, her child survived. But I thought, "According to us, if the child had died, he'd be in a better place and she'd be required to move on within a few weeks." It MAKES NO SENSE.
I wasn't prepared for death.
I hadn't any idea the kinds of things I would face. In the beginning, I sought out others who had lost someone. The few I found had incredibly little to tell me. I was told to 'stay busy' and 'they're angels now, looking down on you' and something about carrying buckets of my tears in heaven. Yikes! I wanted a step by step guide. I wanted someone to explain the stages in practical terms. I wanted to understand the psychological assault. I wanted to know the dangers, the pitfalls, what to avoid. I wanted to know what to tell people when they asked innocent and unknowing questions. I wanted to know how and when it's socially acceptable to cry in public. I wanted, forgive me, a "Grieving for Dummies" book.
I'm sure you all will know what I mean when I say, I'm still a person. I didn't stop when the tears started. As a person, I still have hopes, dreams, challenges, fears... Yes, they're vastly different than before death, but they're still there. I hope I will see my loved ones again, I dream that I'll find a place where the pain isn't so bad, I'm challenged to find a new way to live, I'm afraid that I'll never stop crying....you get the drift. With grief, it becomes incredibly difficult to address these needs by yourself. All too often though, that's exactly what your expected to do. After all, your loved one that died is in a better place, so what's your problem? Ugh.
How do you think our culture helped/hurt the grieving process?
We do so much to avoid death. Preservation of life is paramount, for obvious reasons. So much energy is expended in action and discussion to stave off 'the worst' yet, when 'the worst' happens, you've got a few short weeks to move on and get over it. I don't get it.
A few days ago while watching tv, I watched a woman cry over the near death of her child. In confusion and abject terror, she whisks her child to the hospital for life saving treatment. Everyone was silent while she told her story, some had tears in their eyes. "What was it like? What did you do?" were some of the questions. Thankfully, her child survived. But I thought, "According to us, if the child had died, he'd be in a better place and she'd be required to move on within a few weeks." It MAKES NO SENSE.
I wasn't prepared for death.
I hadn't any idea the kinds of things I would face. In the beginning, I sought out others who had lost someone. The few I found had incredibly little to tell me. I was told to 'stay busy' and 'they're angels now, looking down on you' and something about carrying buckets of my tears in heaven. Yikes! I wanted a step by step guide. I wanted someone to explain the stages in practical terms. I wanted to understand the psychological assault. I wanted to know the dangers, the pitfalls, what to avoid. I wanted to know what to tell people when they asked innocent and unknowing questions. I wanted to know how and when it's socially acceptable to cry in public. I wanted, forgive me, a "Grieving for Dummies" book.
I'm sure you all will know what I mean when I say, I'm still a person. I didn't stop when the tears started. As a person, I still have hopes, dreams, challenges, fears... Yes, they're vastly different than before death, but they're still there. I hope I will see my loved ones again, I dream that I'll find a place where the pain isn't so bad, I'm challenged to find a new way to live, I'm afraid that I'll never stop crying....you get the drift. With grief, it becomes incredibly difficult to address these needs by yourself. All too often though, that's exactly what your expected to do. After all, your loved one that died is in a better place, so what's your problem? Ugh.
How do you think our culture helped/hurt the grieving process?
I don't know if others have experienced this in the same way but throughout the deterioration of my Mom's health to the day of her passing, the funeral, the grief, the non-linear path of recovery, it's not so much the Culture as a whole that I can try to evaluate. Maybe it would be too overwhelming, it's such a feeling of grey with the occasional bright lights of those who've been on the extremes -- either really sensitive or unbelievably crass.
When unbelievably crass, manipulative, passive aggressive, selfish, abusive behavior is coming from my siblings, it's a nightmare of self-righteousness in their image of the grieving family and totally taking a crap on me. So not only do I hold the public tears back but the rage and hurt and frustration since I'm committed to taking a higher road. But even monsters grieve and deserve sympathy and support -- it just can't be from me. So who ends up looking like the bitch? ( And they know it.)