Daughters of Abusive Mothers Community Group
For those of us whose mothers were (or still are) abusive to us. In a society that puts mothers on a pedestal it can often be lonely dealing with the feelings of hurt, betrayal, anger, emptiness and grief of having an abusive mother. People with loving mothers often find it hard to believe or understand. Here is a safe place to express the feelings and find others with...
Its been almost a month and I can feel myself crumbling. Due to the oil spill and the moritorium on drilling my father (58) lost his job one month ago.. I am the only child - and I have not seen them in 3 years and my father can go months with out any contact with me. I felt sorry for him when he lost his job. I lost my first part of this year and I now have a great job, which having contact with him is interferring with immensily, especailly today. I have no concentration at all. I am in a horrible mood so I am staying away from co-workers, which they think is odd since I normally and very outgoing and "bubbly". So he emails everyday now. If I dont send back I get "did I say something wrong" and he signs everything love dad - yack!
On the really bad days he'll say "call your mother she is having such a hard time with me being unemployed" He knows I cant talk to her and that I dont. I stupidly, so stupidly invited him to video web chat- felt sorry for him. So now my mother trying to yell her point of view from the background. Boy have I stepped in. Feel into that stupid "Must help my parents" What the )*#$# have they even done for me that was helpful and useful. And to top off the stupidity, knowing my parents have no clue how to handle money and that my father will be flat broke in oh 2 months. I offered for them to move into my 3k sq. ft. house. I konw this forum is mothers and abused daughters. But now I am getting it from mother and father. This whole things makes me so freaken lonely because well you're supposed to help you family.Family I hate that word the only word worse is mommy.
Today has been so bad I had to close the door to my office. I need a good cry and now I need one again. I've got projects to complete and I cant get my head around them. I have a business dinner for my husband tonight and now am I to be fun and light and whatever else I am to be to not back a bad impression on the owner of the company.
On the really bad days he'll say "call your mother she is having such a hard time with me being unemployed" He knows I cant talk to her and that I dont. I stupidly, so stupidly invited him to video web chat- felt sorry for him. So now my mother trying to yell her point of view from the background. Boy have I stepped in. Feel into that stupid "Must help my parents" What the )*#$# have they even done for me that was helpful and useful. And to top off the stupidity, knowing my parents have no clue how to handle money and that my father will be flat broke in oh 2 months. I offered for them to move into my 3k sq. ft. house. I konw this forum is mothers and abused daughters. But now I am getting it from mother and father. This whole things makes me so freaken lonely because well you're supposed to help you family.Family I hate that word the only word worse is mommy.
Today has been so bad I had to close the door to my office. I need a good cry and now I need one again. I've got projects to complete and I cant get my head around them. I have a business dinner for my husband tonight and now am I to be fun and light and whatever else I am to be to not back a bad impression on the owner of the company.
Well, I'm sure the usual things will help IE setting rules and boundaries as for them living in your home. The minute they don't like your rules, its helpful to remind them this is your house and they are your guests. If the wine about not having anywhere to stay, remind them about whose fault that is.
Hopefully your Dad can find a new job soon. Good luck!
Honestly, I am happy my mother never wanted to visit but she too would pester me to visit nonstop. I tried every lame excuse and real excuse in the book only to be told how horrible I am for not visiting her. Finally, I told her the truth. I don't want to visit her because she treats me like crap, tells me how horrible I am, doesn't know how to behave in public and my children don't like her either. She hung up, she can't handle the truth but she never asked me to visit again.
I think you need to stop playing the little games with her. If you really don't like her, why do you want her to visit you? Do you want her ugliness in your life? Is she manageable, ie she isn't a narcissist or a sociopath? If not you are better off severing ties. If you can have a limited relationship within boundaries work on living in the bounds. First you need to realize if a limited relationship will be beneficial to both of you or not. I think for now you need to tell her that subject is not up for discussion.
Is there any way you can spend time or visit with your father without her present?
I can't see my father without her around. He is the one that is causing the issue now. Pushing the issue "We need to be a family" I just told him in an email how I feel and that we need to stop with the game of "family". He is always telling me to "cut her some slack" no matter what it is she has said. Or he'll say "she didn't really mean it" Which might be true since she is so medicated I dont think she knows what day it is. But he is making this worse.I'll tell him it makes me feel horrible something like that and his snarky come back is "well that is how you feel that is your issue" Yup my issue so go away and then I get a biblical lecture about honoring your parents. The issues with him lossing his job, and not being a good steward with their money and the possiblity of them needing a place to live and the 'guilt' of being the only child and that you're supposed to take care of you parents because that is the right thing to do. No wonder i'm having a spritual crisis. AAARRGG - I can remember being 6 years old and making my own breakfast and lunch for school - when did she take care of me? But now I need to be the better person. My cousin has cut all ties with her mother (my mother's sister)- seems to run in the family bad mothering. My cousin is much happier with our her parents. but if something happened to them she has 2 brothers who will take care of them.
Thanks for bringing me back to my senses.
I have only two kids. The kids I can rely on is 0. I should have had more. I don't blame my kids for my not having any other family to lean on, I blame myself. Your parents could have had more children or could have adopted. Next time they throw out the your the only one we have, let them know that's their fault and not your problem. Hope that helps.