A little background on myself before I get into what happened that drove me to this place. I am my mother's first and only child she had when in her first marriage. She divorced him and married the man I now call my own father (me and my sperm donor don't talk anymore as it is but I'll get into that in another time). I have two other siblings that I love and cherish with all my heart and being. I wish nothing g but the best for both but this is why I'm so hard on them. I love them so I don't want them to end up like me, a socially awkward adult in her late teens that is emotionally unstable. For the sake of security we'll call them LilBro and LilSis. 

So while I love my family dearly, my mother tends to be... Aggressive. Very agressive or very heavy with guilt trips. Of she isn't cursing me out she's telling me that its my fault she is always exhausted for work and that just makes my already pretty bad depression worse (which is one of many things she refuses to believe. I just got the concept that I'm slightly color blind through her thick skull people). So today is what finally sent me over the ledge of what I could take. 

Me and my mother were making spaghetti. Nothing to complicated just sauce, meat, cheese, and noodles but she did this weird thing where she put all the cheese on top of the sauce and left for the bathroom. Now she tends to stay in there for HOURS! So when I go to check on the water for the noodles, I just see this dome of cheese. So I call out and ask what she wants me to do....

.... No answer. So I ask again and NO ANSWER! So I sigh and gently pops the cheese dome with a sharp steak knife to make sure it doesnt explode everywhere and I stir in all the cheese. I saw no harm in this but BOY WAS I WRONG!! She comes out of the bathroom and asks what happened to the cheese. I told what happen and she began in the guilt tripping. Telling me that the cheese dome was supposed to happen and that "this is the reason she doesnt cook anymore." Oh! And I forgot to mention that I DO ALL THE COOKING!! so i apologize and try to move on but she keeps going on about how I ruined everything. So I walk out of the kitchen and go to my bed. That's when dad gets involved. He asked me what was going on, and I answer while on the edge of finally having a meltdown because I try not to have them around my family for reasons I'll get into later, that I stirred the cheese into the sauce and apparently that was awful because everything I touch get ruined. 

And then there was silence and then the sound of metal hitting tile so I rush up and go to the kitchen to see that the pot filled with noodles is now on the floor. Boiling hot water everywhere and my mom standing in the center. And she looks at me and starts screaming...

She says that she threw the pot so she wouldnt punch me right in the face. (This isnt the first time she had said this to me and I doubt it'll be the last) that I was acting like a precious snow flake and I needed to get over myself. That I'm the reason my siblings are stressed all the time. That ALL of them, INCLUDING my fiance who isnt even in the same country as me, were walking on eggshells around me. Trying to be careful not to set me off. That I hoard all the tech and that I'm the reason that dinner is now ruined. 

This wasnt new to me... In fact this was one of her "kinder" blowups at me. But it still felt like a bullet went through my heart. And what did my belived family do as she compared me to my much more successful younger sister? 

They. Did. Nothing. 

They say there and stared until my father got up and got a towel got a towel for the water. The whispered to each other that they should stay quiet and out of the way. Even as I Asked if her bare feet were okay from yhe boiling water and she teared into me more, they did nothing. Instead when it was all over, I had to clean up the mess and take my verbal beating. When words were finally spoken, it was my dad... Comforting my mom... No one spoke a word to me as I was supposed to finish the "ruined" dinner and serve everyone a bowl. It was a couple of hours later when someone would speak to me and it was my mother. Trying to crack jokes as if she hadn't just told me I was the reason for all their woes. and it hurt. It still hurts. 

It hurts that my family didnt help me

It hurts that my mother went and opened old scars

It hurts that she went after my insecurities like it was an all you can eat buffet.

And when she left the house, she was smiling and laughing. Like nothing ever happened.

So that's what brought me here... Looking for advice on how to deal with this...

I also would like to apologize for the errors in spelling. I wont lie, I started to cry again remembering it all and everything else.

PS: I'm positive my mother isnt as bad as some of the others I've read on here but she's still a huge part of my life so I dont really have a meams of escaping her critical eye....