Daughters of Abusive Mothers Community Group
For those of us whose mothers were (or still are) abusive to us. In a society that puts mothers on a pedestal it can often be lonely dealing with the feelings of hurt, betrayal, anger, emptiness and grief of having an abusive mother. People with loving mothers often find it hard to believe or understand. Here is a safe place to express the feelings and find others with...
I posted this in the Physical and Emotional Abuse group too, just so you know. Anyways....
So I am wondering if this is abuse or not and was wondering if you could help me.
My mother uses guilt trips all the time. Before I was paying attention to this I didn't even realize how often. For example, my birthday is in three days and I asked her if I could go see a friend for a few hours. She got really mad at me and said, "You mean you'd rather spend it with her than with us?" Now, come on. It was only a few hours and we weren't doing anything then. Half my family wouldn't even be home when I was planning on going out.
She only thinks about how things affect her. When I was little and used to ask her for advice, she would be like, "Why does this always have to happen to me?!" So you feel bad for asking for help...
She accuses me if yelling at her or using a tone when I am not. Today she told me to quit yelling at her, but my dad was in the next room and came in and told her I wasn't yelling, I was talking in a normal voice.
If I side with my dad in an argument, she gets mad at me and says it is because I love him more than her.
She sometimes talks to me when she is upset about something, but seems somewhat annoyed when I ask her.
She got shingles a while ago, which is a stress related illness. She blamed it on the stress we give her. It was so hard to watch her in bed and in pain and be told that you were the cause.
As for some of my own symptoms, I apologize for everything. I have low self-esteem and I have a hard time asking for help from friends because I feel very guilty for taking up their time. I have a fear of abandonment. I am so afraid that people are going to leave me and I will be alone.
So I am wondering if this is abuse or not and was wondering if you could help me.
My mother uses guilt trips all the time. Before I was paying attention to this I didn't even realize how often. For example, my birthday is in three days and I asked her if I could go see a friend for a few hours. She got really mad at me and said, "You mean you'd rather spend it with her than with us?" Now, come on. It was only a few hours and we weren't doing anything then. Half my family wouldn't even be home when I was planning on going out.
She only thinks about how things affect her. When I was little and used to ask her for advice, she would be like, "Why does this always have to happen to me?!" So you feel bad for asking for help...
She accuses me if yelling at her or using a tone when I am not. Today she told me to quit yelling at her, but my dad was in the next room and came in and told her I wasn't yelling, I was talking in a normal voice.
If I side with my dad in an argument, she gets mad at me and says it is because I love him more than her.
She sometimes talks to me when she is upset about something, but seems somewhat annoyed when I ask her.
She got shingles a while ago, which is a stress related illness. She blamed it on the stress we give her. It was so hard to watch her in bed and in pain and be told that you were the cause.
As for some of my own symptoms, I apologize for everything. I have low self-esteem and I have a hard time asking for help from friends because I feel very guilty for taking up their time. I have a fear of abandonment. I am so afraid that people are going to leave me and I will be alone.
i really wish you the best, just know that you DO deserve the best no matter what your mother says, and it might take a long time but you'll get there......GOd bless
My mother did this too. You do grow up never speaking up too much, because you were taught not to do that, or she would make you feel like crap for it. Cause nothing you had going on, was all that important.
I know now my father was at work alot. Leave early in the morning and come home really late at night. This is what some spouses do to avoid what they know is abnormal behaviour.
You should ask your dad for advice and try and get your emotional support from him. And maybe you can get him to talk to your mother, although, I doubt it will do any good. I don't mean to talk bad about your mother, I'm just telling you what I know.
Seeing a counsellor for yourself is not a bad idea either. You can get some understanding and emotional support from that. Good luck to you.