I took a long time to disengage from her. It started when I was about 5 or 6 as a conscious process. At about 29 i realized that she was the toxic element, but I had not real or deep appreciation fro what that truly meant or the extent of the consequences.

It took a long time for me to be able to come safely out of denial that she is what she is and that I did not imagine the abuse.

in my late 20's I used to tell people my entire family was dead. That I didn't have one.

I have had limited contact with her family since I was about 14 and I have no real contact with her, even if I stay at her house during medical stuff, we don't speak, she literally locks me into a room with a bed, a small dresser, a TV and a bathroom and I am not able to go anywhere else in the house. Yes, I get some food, but i have to eat it in the bedroom, in the bed or on the floor. If I leave at an unapproved time or activity (her doctors, her time) she locks me out of the house.

I finally began to really stand up for myself appropriately at about roughly 30.

I am stuck with her for now as I am slightly dependent on her after an accident, so I make the distinction between what I allow in emotionally and how I turn her nasty outward back at her (instead of inwards) and what I have to put up with to remain physically safe so I can get well and get away from her.

It's really hard to type this because I survive it, but when I see it written down, it's like, 'this can not be true, this is not normal or ...people just don;pt do this", but they do and one of them is my "mother"

So, I ignore her as much as I can, I pray for her to die of old age soon and I do everything I can to get my independence back to get away from her and never see or hear from any of them again.

My mother knows to a certain extent what she is doing too and that is also part of what seals it for me. She actually started crying and looking for me to comfort her after she did something dangerous and abusive to me 'i feel so mean doing this to you, but I am going to do it anyway" and she started to hug me and cry...it was so sick i feel like showering just writing about it.

Now, i just feel an instant "EEEWWWWW", I do not want to be anywhere near that woman kind of feeling - like a dark alley -chills go up my spine and I start to panic - big red flags go up everywhere and it's a real clear gut instinct that say "keep away":

Perhaps you will to live feels threatened by her. Your will to live has led you back to her for mothering help. Have you tried any religious or other affiliated help besides your mother?
I suffer from dizziness to the point where I can barely care for myself at times. Initially when it hit I was married to a man who was delighted by my limitations (my not being well helped him have more time for his girlfriends). When I divorced him, I was doing pretty good but many years later I started having problems again. At that time I was living overseas and I had to rely on friends and coworkers. Amazingly, even without a single family member things worked out. I still manage just with help of friends.
So back to your situation. You instincts are telling you that you are in danger. Seek help. Don't stop at the first phone call, keep trying. Visit anyone and everyone who will listen until you find your safety net. Don't settle for 'oh, she's not that bad, she's your mother after all' excuses that you will probably hear.

I just ran across this group today. I too have eliminated my mother from my life. It was not an easy thing to do, it still isn't. There are times when I want my mom for advice and what not. Unfortunately, she is very toxic and a N. I have realized in the course of my life how much our early years determine who and what we are. Unfortunately, I have some really bad habits around this and am now in the recovery process to change my mind set in order to develop healthy relationships. It has taken me till now to do so. I am 45 as of last month. I have not communicated with my mother since December 2002.

I cut her out of my life of an on for many years, the last being in 1999. In 2001 I was diagnosed with stage iv melanoma and given 6 months to a year to live. Someone thought they were doing me a favor and contacted her. She showed up at my benefit. I was a wreck on so many levels at that point in my life, her showing up nearly destroyed me. The day she left, my son, aunt & I all took her to the airport. It was Thanksgiving day, 2001. She had her luggage searched. Surprise! They found pot in her bag. She told the security people it was mine, for my cancer.

I got really angry. All those years of hurt , lies, betrayal, disappointment, fear and what not came to the surface. I don't know if it was because of the diagnosis, the medicine I was on, or what. I wrote her a 5 page letter and told her I wanted her to acknowledge the things she had done. If she could not, there would not be a relationship between us and that she was to stay away from me and my son (her only grandchild at the time). I have not heard from her since.

Some people who don't know my mother and haven't seen her in action thing she is fabulous and don't understand why we don't communicate. Those people don't get it and never will.

I still struggle with a variety of issues. I know they stem from my childhood my mother created. I am finally working through these issues. 3 marriages: 1 to a mamma's boy, 2 to N's. I am no longer willing to play the victim and finally decided to do something about me so I can live a healthy live, full of love and joy.

To those who choose not to have their mothers in their life, I simply say "I understand". It really isn't easy though. I really think it would have been easier if she had died years ago.

i relate to all the things said here ,i was destroyed by my stepmother,she was cruel and vindictive towards me,but only when no one could see or hear her,and like the stories here everyone thought she was a wonderfull caring woman,she was to other people,then she was taken ill and rushed to hospital , when i was told she only had about a year left to live,i was elated,then that afternoon she took a turn for the worst and died,i am not ashamed to say i felt as if a great weight had been lifted from me,i felt free for the first time in many unhappy years,i even went to see her in the funeral home just to make sure she really had died, and that it wasn't some cruel joke,but the feeling of freedom did not last for long,i swear she still rules me from the grave,she damaged me so badly mentally that i still shake and feel a sense of forboding whenever i think of her of hear her name ,i have tried so hard to move on,but i can't,i am 63 years old this year and i still feel like an abused child ,so i suppose the only way i am going to be truly free of her will be when my time on this earth is up,i hate the thought that i could go on like this for another twenty or more years,i swear she is somehow keeping me alive to continue torturing me,my one true terror is that if there is a life after this one that she will be waiting for me so she can continue.i send you a comforting hug.Nell

I agree with you MangoGirl--everyone else, even ur closest, think our mom is nice and caring. But we know the truth and we have each other here. I now know it is useless to have others to agree with me about the things that are being done. My father simply pretends he didn't hear me, and my own brother thinks I'm merely painting myself as a victim (though he left home at age 18 'cos of his own conflict with our mom). Witchnell, I feel the same shake and nightmare when I think of her too... My only way out is try not to think about it at all, but it still sneaks up on you at times.

I also cut my mother out of my life. At first it was temporary, and then I tried in my twenties to have her as part of my life again, and to construct a healthier relationship with her, but she continued to be abusive in different ways - screaming at me out of the blue, manipulating me, being negative about anything I said, etc.

She'd acted so offended and hurt when I'd said I wanted a break from her, but when I tried to return to a relationship with her, she kept saying she was too busy to see me, so I realised it can't have been that important to her. Furthermore, when I saw her, she acted like everything I said (the most innocuous things) had some double meaning intended to hurt her, and she would take exaggerated offence at the most innocent stuff. So I logically realised that her strong negative reaction to me wanting a break from her was more about melodrama and guilting me than about a genuine desire to have a relationship with me. I also realised it was very harmful to me emotionally and psychologically to keep seeing her, and it didn't seem to be doing her any good either, so it made sense to cut her from my life entirely.

Since then, I've observed how she is mentally destroying other family members who continue to see her, so I've not regretted my decision. If my mother were to take some responsibility for her actions and to seek genuine reconciliation with me, then I would take steps to try to have a relationship with her, but at the moment she takes no responsibility for her actions and continues the pattern of hurting people while acting the victim. I do not wish to be part of her mind games.

I'm new to this group & this entire topic...My mom is more verbaly abusive then physical..sometimes I feel as if this is just a bad dream but with two professionals telling me that I'm not the one with the problem, I'm starting to see the "bigger picture" now. I'm the oldest then my sister who's 30 & my brother who's 26...my sister & I are from my mom's first marriage and my brother is our half brother but his dad is like my real dad as far as I'm concerned...our bio dad divorced my sister & I when he divorced our mom.

I am 37 & still controlled by my mom, but can't share any of this with my sister or brother because they don't know the same mom that I have. The first memory was when I was about 8 or 9 when we moved back to my mom's home town...our car broke down and she had called a tow truck..when the guy was hooking up the car she told me in jest.."I'd probably have a better chance with him if you were't in the car". I mean I was a little kid! Then once she remarried I rebelled because I was 11..didn't want a father to replace the one that I ended up waiting to come get me some 25 yrs later (who never did)...so at 15 I moved out of the house and into a friends house for 16 months...tried again to make it work with her but I was gonna be 18 in a few weeks so I pretty much stayed with my boyfriend when I was a senior in high school and ended up dropping out. My boyfriend & I broke up so I started dating another guy who talked me into going back to school with him, so when we became really serious & became engaged everything was great until the end of the school year when he ended the relationship because of his mother's control over him..(these moms are everywhere! LOL ) I took it pretty hard and ended up leaving school early the next day, so I walked in my house and my mom basicly told me that this wasn't so bad & that she suffered a divorce from a 10 yr marriage that was far worse then this and to hurry up and get over it and to get back to school the next day...all I wanted was a little love and understanding from my mom and that's what she gave me. I got the same treatment for the painful periods I suffered from endometriosis...same thing...suck it up and get through it its just apart of life she'd say. I moved out after graduation with some friends of mine but just figured that maybe it was just me, after all I wasn't the best teenager either but I left with the hope of someday having a "normal" mother daughter relationship someday. When I was 20, I learned that I was pregnant with my son who's father happened to control me as well...hmmm seems like a pattern of some sort? Anyway, the abuse from him made my mom's issues look like nothing & she did open her door when I had the courage to leave him several times but due his head games it woudn't be long until I would go back to him so, after 3 & 1/2 yrs of his crap....plus a total of 2 weeks of marital "bliss"...I finally ended that sick situation and moved back in with my parents again but when was a single mom of a 2 yr old who never got a chance to be young..I was going out alot and it wasn't long until I met dumby husband # 2....he was a product of his envirement and abused me physically as well as mentally but because my ex was getting remarried at the time my mom knowing how he treated me did nothing but push me into marring him...I was ready to call the weddding off after a nasty fight, but she just sugar coated it the best she could and I ended up marring the loser anyway. Well, after 6 yrs of putting up with being pushed into doors and him throwing chairs at me, I figured this wasn't gonna get any better and feared the worst for my son so we left him, he was like a time bomb so I figured it was for the best especially when I learned he was also physically & verbally abusing my son behind my back. Fast forward to my new life now, finally after 2 crappy men who treated me and my son like dirt, I now have a real husband who loves me for who I am and loves my son like his own. In the fall of 2007 we learned that my husband had cancer, so I asked my mom to come up to our house so she could help me through it...that's when she motioned me outside and very sternly told me I was being way too emotional and that he needed a strong wife not someone who couldn't hold it together for more then 5 minutes! I am a very sensitive person...at the time I thought the worst, that I was going to lose my best friend & I can't help it if I become emotional..believe me I've tried but there are some things that you can't change and for me that's one of them...this is also something my husband understands about me as well...he knows that I'm a very emotional person ...he said he'd rather me be myself then someone I am not...I was in shock that she said that to me for the rest of the night. Don't get me wrong, there were some good moments as long as she was able to have her freedom...which for her is endless hours on the computer...she was as sweet as pie when she was online as I desperatly yearned for any type of conversation even though her attention wasn't on me...its always been this way though....again, me hoping that this was our bonding moment.

Unfortunally, my son has been brain washed since birth from his father and made it impossible for all of us to live together while my husband was fighting cancer so the doctor told us that if we have a chance in fighting his cancer that my son had to move out of the house...it was the most difficult decision I had to make...but my husbands life was hanging in the balance so as hard as it was I let him go live with his "father"...I figured that this would be the time where my mom and I would possibly bond after all she came up to be by my side to help me get through my husbands fight with cancer, but she was dissapointed in me for not fighting hard enough for my son...though she told me she'd support what I had to do. Trying to get through the first month was awful we live in Virgina and he moved to Florida so it was really hard on me excepting my kids new life but all she would do was convince me to open a myspace account so he and I could chat...well I couldn't handle that...to see him in my ex's house with his new wife who just had a new addition to their happy little family..it was too much for me to handle..but all she'd do is keep on pushing me finally it was my sister who ended up telling her to back the hell off and let me have my mourning period...and while she was allowing me to do that she'd start in on my son's father and how I need to take him to court and do this and file this against him...here's the thing on that....I am done going to court with my ex-husband...my husband and I are more then fine with this....he owes us over $5,000 in medical bills but we'd rather cut our losses if it means we never have to see his face ever again...on our last trip to my mom's house my husband made this very clear that we don't come to visit so we can talk about my ex...that's done and when my kid turns 18 it's gonna be over for good...also, I told my mom that the pics of my son holding his new baby brother really bother me for some reason and that my counsular and I have been working on how to tell her to knock off the facebook comments of how cute the kid is every single pic he posts...another words, it hurts me when you post that so please kindly stop...her response to me: "That's weird" well that really got to my husband... so he stuck up for me...put her in her place so she gets up and calls my sister about it! Is it asking to much of my own mother who has no relation to that baby what so ever to at least consider my feelings on this? I'm to the point where I just blocked her out temperarly until she finally gets it through her head that she's just hurting me but the more and more I read about mothers like this ...the more I'm concidering slowly cutting her out of my llife...but the problem is how do I do this without it effecting the rest of my family like my dad who I love dearly? What do I do?

I had to cut an older sister out of my life, with the exception of family events where we don't talk about anything important.
My mom was/is mean and very abusive to my older sister especially. My sister was laying all that crazy mean on me also later on when we were grown. I was getting wierd hate mail and some mean phone calls. I changed my phone # a few times and just started throwing out her letters about 20 yrs ago. There was no way to deal with her. My father kept trying to get me to "help" her which just put me in odd positions over and over. She was always having problems that were someone else's fault. It was no win. You can't have a relationship with someone like that becasue they use you and abuse you.

Hi, thanks for the reply...I was starting to think my case wasn't as bad as others on here lol I have to warn you first that I have fibromyalgia and it makes my memory awful, so please exuse my mis spellings on here. so sad because I used to be so good at spelling words now it like my brain is mush, sometimes I stop mid sentence in a conversation..its so embarrasing. ..

Yeah, I am in total agreement about my mom & I never having a normal mother daughter relationship because both of the professionals that see have told me its her not me..and for so many years its all really starting to make sence....I was in so much denile and so protective of her it wasn't funny. I'm just coming out of that stage now....after the last visit last summer at this point I'm just done with her. Both professionals, one for my mental health and the other for my physical problems, in which I'm now convinced is a big part in me having fibromyalgia...the other diseases like endo, adenomyosis, and the torturus colon are the ones I was born with but the IBS, complex migraines, and fibro are all caused from the stress factor I had and still have and it all started with her.

My sister and I are very close but I'm just so scared my mom will somehow get her to gravitate to her side because my mom's so good at playing the victim in these situations...my brother is now becoming his own person but his way to reacting to her is to walk away but has fallen into my dad's place as he has a girl friend who is the same way that my mom is...so yeah, that's my biggest fear my other family members making me an outcast, but my husband told me that after the way my mom reacted to the pain she was causing he pulled my dad aside the next day and told him that I'm still trying to work through issues that are over 30 yrs old, he feels strongly that he told my mom to knock it off..which is probably why she hasn't called me since after we got home back in July..but I'm not complaining!!! lol its so nice not to carry my "Don't talk to Mom about..."list with me when she would call me.. I mean right there should have been enough to let myself know somethings not right! lol I'd be lieing if I told you that I don't fantisise that "Perfect mother daughter relationship" because I am now just seeing the light...I mean I can't even ride in the car with her without being myself..I'm on egg shells trying not to upset her & my entire body tenses up..I just want out of the car ASAP...

Yesterday, I shut down my facebook page.. because she just won't stop know matter how much I tell her she's hurting me...on top of this I got a text from my son who wanted to have my permission so he could get a tattoo for his 16th birthday because his dad said it was alright with him he just has to ask me (only by law) not out of respect of my opinion in the raising of our son or anything...my ex knows I don't approve but this is his way making me out to be the bad guy...so I sent my dis- approval out by certified mail so my butts covered in case we have to go to court over this since he's a total narsicist.. I know that I'm not prepared for a backlashing from my own son on facebook because he's pissed at me because I won't allow him to have a tattoo...its for the best..hurts but I like to think this is just nature of the beast with him being a teen ager...he is half me so I'm hoping he wakes up to his controlling father too someday..

At this point...I'm still hurt by her and just in retreat for now, if she calls I have no intention of picking up the phone right now...still angree at her as well...that goes with email too. If it ends up that she wants to work on things...she's gonna have to earn her way into my life as of now I think I'm better off without her...and my counculars told me to do what ever I have to do to cut the pain out of my life & I guess cutting off the facebook was my first move. Oh wow, I've probably wrote you more then you wanted to read...which is another thing I should warn you of...I write pretty long emails...my husband calls it too much "fluff" :0b if it bothers you just let me know & I'll do my best to cut it shorter next time.

Well, thanks again for taking the time to reply...I hope to hear back when you can & enjoy the rest of your weekend! :0}

Take Care,
Jacinta

Hi There,

To answer your question - how do you handle her? My answer is simple, I don't. I was thrown out of the house when I was 19 and it was a BLESSING. Let me tell you. At the time, when she threw me out I was terrified - where would I live? Where would I go? She didn't care...told me I could live in a shelter. I called up one of my brothers and he let me stay with him. Thank God. Thank God I have my brothers...fellow witnesses to the abuse we withstood. And that was the end of it. Last time I ever lived with her. I didn't even SEE her again until I was 21...and that was during a brief stint during Christmas break...but she started in on me, verbally attacking me, and tried to hit me...at which point I called the airline, changed by ticket, and left that afternoon. That was 1995 I believe. So what...that was 15 years ago? Haven't HEARD or SEEN her since. And let me tell you fellow sufferers...GET AWAY. If you can, get away! Get away from these people. They are sick, abusive, and incapable of love. I know it is a hard pill to swallow. And I feel for all of you who are still stuck having to deal with this sh*t. But no one deserves abuse. No one should have to listen to it, deal with it, feel it. And don't EVER feel guilty about leaving (that is if you can). You don't owe your "mother" anything. No mother behaves like this. This isn't a mother...this is a woman who gave birth to you. That's it. A true mother loves her children. She doesn't abuse them.

Sometimes, when I can't fathom what I went through...when it's so hard to understand "how could someone behave like this? Why? Why did she do what she did?" I try and imagine what it would be like if I were to say or do the things she did. I really try to imagine it. And I ask myself "would I do such a thing? Would I ever? Can I imagine myself ever behaving like that?" And I can't for the life of me imagine it! That's when I realize how CRAZY her behavior was! I suggest you try doing this if you ever feel such behavior is normal. Ask yourself - would I ever say what she's saying to me right now, to anyone? Let alone my own daughter? You'll be able to perhaps see, things more clearly this way.

So again. I reiterate what I said earlier. GET AWAY. I truly believe that real healing can only begin when you physically stop dealing with these people. It's a matter of self-preservation. Now, if they want to change...if they come to your door begging for forgiveness, well, then you can decide whether or not you want to forgive them. But come on...we all know these types don't change right? They NEVER change. This concept took me YEARS to understand. But I get it now. I get it. It still baffles me. It still makes no sense to me. At times I am just dumbfounded as to "HOW!?!?" "WHY!?!?" Things like that...but then I tell myself, "_____, you'll never understand" and I have to make peace with that. I know she's ill...maybe that's all there is to it. Whatever. I know I've done what I had to do, and I'm grateful she has never tried to contact me since our fateful meeting back in '95. Maybe that is her one good deed I can remember.

To all of you who still have to deal with someone like this...I wish you all the best in the world. Hang tough. Try and distance yourself from them if you can. Whether it's physically, emotionally - whatever. They want to drag you down. You need to understand this. They want you to drown with them. You cannot allow that to happen. You have to save yourself. And if they want to swim, only THEY can move their arms and legs...YOU can't do it for them. So break free of their grip...swim away to the shore. Get some air. Get some sun. Take care of YOU. Good luck.