Daughters of Abusive Mothers Community Group
For those of us whose mothers were (or still are) abusive to us. In a society that puts mothers on a pedestal it can often be lonely dealing with the feelings of hurt, betrayal, anger, emptiness and grief of having an abusive mother. People with loving mothers often find it hard to believe or understand. Here is a safe place to express the feelings and find others with...
My mom definitely has undiagnosed borderline personality disorder. Every person in her extended family almost has it and they are fully diagnosed and dysfunctional but she won't go see a therapist or doctor, and when she does all she does is lie to them with a sob story. She was incredibly abusive to me growing up and I grew up malnourished and traumatized out of my mind. I'm now 36 and five years ago I FINALLY grew wings enough to move out and go to a different city. In May I made a decision to go no contact on my parents because it was the healthiest choice. I am doing better in grad school and at work as a result, and I have much less stress. The rub-off of normal adults is starting to work on me.
But she won't let me live. She calls incessantly, emails an address I explicitly told her not to email (because f my boundaries and privacy right?) with sob emails that roller coaster through sadness, fake love, extreme anger, threats, etc...she calls from different numbers hoping I will pick up, but I know better. I moved elsewhere and she's been trying to find out where. She called child protective services and the police on me the other day (again, I'm a successful 36 year old), and they discerned she was unstable and told her they aren't in the habit of tracking down healthy adults and that she can't control other adults. They left me a voicemail indicating the same. She tried to tell them I was dead or suicidal to get them to lead her to me (manipulative much?), and she leaves voices in my voicemail from no caller ID numbers crying that she can't go on.
Her behavior is unregulated and my dad is codependent on them and is recovering from serious cancer. My sister is a total jerk who deliberately moved very far away so I'd be the closer child, and continued her pattern of tossing me at them so she could escape and have a normal life. I won't do it anymore. I cut off all contact, but my mother's behaviors are escalating and the crazy is really coming out of the woodworks. Untreated borderlines at age 68 are terrifying. She has the same brain as undeveloped children and have significantly maladapted to this world without any sort of treatment or self awareness ever since.
How can I protect myself and become free of this monster?
You can't control her unfortunately. Wouldn't we all be better if we could stop our moms from their crazy behaviour? Have you tried changing your phone number and making it unlisted? I also find it's really important to find some normal people to support you. That one is really hard because normal people usually have loving mothers and they find it so difficult to understand the deep impact of an uncaring mother. But, at least those people can care about normal things. For example, I have an uncle and aunt who called and were concerned when they found out I needed heart surgery. Concern! A normal emotion! My mom only feels jealousy when I'm sick because she thinks I get a bunch of attention for it. (News flash, mom, when your mom doesn't care that you are sick that removes almost all the attention you're going to get!) But, it helps to have some normal people in your life.
Please update us again so we know if things are improving or not.