Daughters of Abusive Mothers Community Group
For those of us whose mothers were (or still are) abusive to us. In a society that puts mothers on a pedestal it can often be lonely dealing with the feelings of hurt, betrayal, anger, emptiness and grief of having an abusive mother. People with loving mothers often find it hard to believe or understand. Here is a safe place to express the feelings and find others with...
We're all here because we've been hurt badly by our mothers. I don't have the resources to seek out a lot of professional help, so I thought I might ask here. What have you found to be helpful in coping with the pain your mother causes you? I'm still very much involved in my relationship with my mother. She's not as terribly abusive as some of the mothers I've read about here. Still, she is unpleasant, negative and critical about everything. Yesterday I got a 10 minute lecture on how to care for my child because she had chapped lips. No joke. I'm 31 and feel like I should have a better grip on this. Why does she have so much power over me and my happiness? Why does it take several hours of distraction, indulgence (music, favorite show or a car ride) and prayer to pull me out of the slump she put me in over a 30 minute phone conversation? There's got to be a way to let it all go... let her say what she wants and not be bothered by it. If it were just occasionally, it wouldn't be such an issue. But she calls on a daily (sometimes more) basis and EVERY time there is some snide remark (usually multiples) about something in my life. I try to limit my time with her, but I live next door and adore my father and want to be close to him. I just want to be more calloused to her jabs... it's taking up entirely too much of my time.
Yes, there is a way to stop being bothered by it. You need to start a two fold journey of healing and grieving. If you can't afford a therapist than look into the support groups in your area. Doing this will allow you to have double the support because you'll not only have an online community but a physical one as well. Not all areas have one but it's good to look none the less. Also, they have great therapeutic books and workbooks out there. Three of the top ones that helped me(in regards to my mother)are:"when mothers are unable to love...", "when mothers and daughters don't get along by Victoria Segunda", and a third one about narcissistic mothers is titled'narcissistic mothers....". I can't recall the rest of the title for the first and third books, at the moment, but they were ALL great ones. The best place to look is Amazon and these are the best three to start with. When you are finished with them and you want to move on to others you'll be able to find them there BUT it'll take you awhile to locate them. Even though it takes awhile it's worth it!!
They've helped me to not only understand my mother better but myself as well. They have, also, been some of the ones that helped me to attain a certain level of peace which helped me to grow and to better be able to learn the tools that I needed to learn in order to keep what sanity I've gained(and continue to gain) and in order to deal with her. I don't have an option, at this point in time, that will allow me to go no contact(or,at the very least,reduced contact)with her so this was(and is) vitally important.
The other vitally important area is grieving. You need to grieve for the little girl you once were, the woman you are now, and the woman you are continuing to become. You, also, need to grieve for your mother. You need to grieve for the expectations you had and continue to have, the dreams you had and continue to have, and for the mother type you always believed you deserved,needed, and wanted but never got, and still don't have. It'll take awhile but it's worth it!
I,myself, am not finished grieving for myself and I'm still in the process of grieving,letting go, and moving on when it comes to grieving for my mother. It's a little awkward,uncomfortable, and weird(especially weird) at first because the mother is still alive BUT it's worth it because it allows you to move forward in you, your life, and your healing journey. This is something you deserve and need so embrace it!!:)