Daughters of Abusive Mothers Community Group

For those of us whose mothers were (or still are) abusive to us. In a society that puts mothers on a pedestal it can often be lonely dealing with the feelings of hurt, betrayal, anger, emptiness and grief of having an abusive mother. People with loving mothers often find it hard to believe or understand. Here is a safe place to express the feelings and find others with...

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Abusive mother: passing away

mbennett7605
mbennett7605

Hi, I’m incredibly new to this site but I’m seeking support from people who have been through a similar situation.


So without going in to too much detail, my mom was insanely abusive, verbally and emotionally, only physically sometimes and only when I was older.  She was a pill popper and a drinker and she said things that were meant to hurt you (“I should’ve had you aborted”, “you’re a fucking whore”, “cunt”, bitch” literally every name in the book) 


Recently she died in a car accident (we think it was a successful suicide attempt) and as bad as she was to me I loved her so much and I miss her.  My therapist says I need to cope with these feelings instead of suppressing them like I always do.  I just wanted to know if anyone has gone through this or has any advice.  I’ve been eating nonstop since she died and it’s having an obvious effect on me and I don’t know how to start getting over this.

mimi100
mimi100
Very sorry for your lost. I've not been through loss of my parents.
IDonna
IDonna
So sorry for your lost. Somethings that may help are self help books . One book that I really like is Intuitive Self Healing. There are a lot more on Amazon. You tube has lots of good videos. It is a process. It takes a lot of work and time but it is worth the effort. Writing your feeling down really help. I like to burn my feeling after writing them down. It feels really good to let them go. Please take care of yourself . You are going through a lot right now. Please let us know how your are doing.
chemlady
chemlady
I’m sorry about the loss of your mom. I think probably lots of us are facing the same moment of polarized feelings. We love our moms but they treated us awfully and have hurt us. I’m completely dreading the day my mom dies. I have no idea how I’ll cope with the conflicting feelings that will inevitably come.
I know you posted this awhile ago now. I’m curious, how are you doing now?
Krista1974
Krista1974
This is going to sound awful...i told my mother that I will not be attending her funeral but I will show up at the very end to march right up to that casket and slam that thing SHUT! I hate her.
Pvt
Pvt
I recently lost my mother. Her death came as a surprise. Up until she died, I wished she would just die already. I assumed that when she finally did die, I'd feel terrible for wishing for it. Now that she has been gone for a while, I still DON'T feel guilty. And I don't miss her at all. Maybe it's because I've already had plenty of time to grieve for the mother I never had (the mother who wasn't emotionally abusive). I used to think that I needed her. Sure, she was horrible to me, but I still needed "my mommy" (I meant that not in a condescending way, but the way the son or daughter of a normal mother would mean it). I'm not sure when that need stopped.
It sounds like maybe you haven't had that chance to grieve for the mom you never had, and that you haven't come to the point in your life where you no longer need your mom. That's normal. If mine hadn't been such an unpleasant person, I'd probably still need her, For you, now is the time to accept that maybe you still needed her, and even loved her very much, but it's also OK to be very angry at her at the same time. Most important thing... be good to yourself, and know that whatever way you feel, that's normal and acceptable.