I have just had a horrible conversation with the man I love more than anything (even my cats!) in the world, my wonderful husband. 

It started with something stupid, his burrito. I dropped it, it fell on the floor and I lied about it. This turned into an awful conversation about the fact I am a compulsive (he called it pathological) liar. I came though and sat down on the couch and realised that what he said was true. I cannot remember when it started, but know that I could lie fluently to my parents through my childhood. It was a very strict household and I was an only child. I wasn't allowed to have something like a bicycle, and wasn't allowed to go and play outside with other kids. 

We moved from Cape Town to Johannesburg when I was 3 and then to the UK when I was 7. Since coming to the UK I haven't been able to settle happily anywhere. I thought that was what I had achieved with my husband (I am going to call him G) but I seem to be failing at this too. I feel close to suicide as I want G to be happy, and now I feel that I cannot do that. I don't know how to stop.

G is really upset as he sees being honest as the crux of life, and I want to agree with him. I was always taught that it was better to make people feel happy around me than to be honest, and have seen my parents lie to achieve this. I want to stop, but can't afford to see someone professionally. I don't know what steps to take. G sees me lie to other people and that upsets him, but the MOST IMPORTANT thing I want to do is never lie to G again (other than a white lie about a present or surprise weekend away etc). I HAVE TO STOP telling stupid lies about something like the burrito, and bigger lies (like about purchases and money).

Is it bad that I feel proud of myself for not lying to the vet as a reason I couldn't go today? I just said I couldn't (it is 10 months today since my Mum died and I couldn't leave the flat). 

I hope that wasn't too much for my first post,

Oduda