well, i think that in our society we presume that people are straight...we dont really talk about sexuality that much...i mean, we talk about it a whole lot more than 20 years ago, but still...there's a lot of pressure in our society to be straight, and i think that homosexuality is often swept under the rug, or so to speak.

i guess. but the weird thing is that i have no problem with being homosexual, but the words attached to being homosexual feel wrong to me...

It doesn't surprise me that you feel this way and that you find it difficult to lay a finger on a reason. Homophobia doesn't have to be blatant name-calling to have an effect.

Think about all the movies you have seen in your lifetime. How many of them have some kind of romantic interest between two of the characters? I bet it's a high percentage. Of those movie romances, how many of them were characters of the same-sex? An extremely LOW percentage, I'll be willing to bet. TV shows, same thing (although LGBT characters are more visible now than when I was 14).

Continuing in the movie vein - when gay characters ARE portrayed, how many times are they caricatures of who we are? A lot. How many times are those characters portrayed as complex people, truly human? Not so many (although more now than when I was 14).

Four years ago, when Massachusetts was deciding to allow same-sex marriages, homophobia was in the newspaper everyday. Editorial after editorial about the horrible things that would happen if our relationships were legally recognized... or about how we should be denied the ability to provide for our families because we are unstable, unfit to parent, unable to commit to long-term relationships (of course you realize that none of these things are true). My point is that it was difficult to avoid hearing that stuff.

Many very conservative churches continue to have highly negative views of us and mince no words in expressing their disapproval and, in some cases, contempt. (This is not true of all churches). When I was a kid the message was made very plain to me by my church (evil, sinful, perverted... on and on)

Think about all the insults you have ever heard, whether or not and gay-specific words were used. How many times have you heard someone being put down with an insinuation that they were not fully a man or woman, or a "real" man or woman, or that they lacked the proper attributes of a "real" man or woman? I think if you start paying attention to it, you'll find that it's much more prevalent than it might appear from just the usage of the words "gay" or "lesbian".

Add to that, this negative attitude that is so much a part of our culture that it's like the air we breathe, that as LGBT we VERY VERY RARELY are ever allowed to see role models of healthy, self-actualized, committed LGBT who are happily and openly and fully WHO they are. If you never see the image, how do you know that it can exist? If you never get to see the normal, sane, self-accepting LGBT role model, how can you expect to think of those words as anything the but dirty rags that hetero society flings as an insult?

I think I know what you mean when you say "but the words attached to being homosexual feel wrong to me... " When I was young, about the worst thing you could call someone was "queer." I've never liked that word. In recent years many LGBT have chosen to adopt "Queer" as how they identify themselves, to take back a word used as slander and make something positive of it. I don't use that word in reference to myself (maybe too much baggage), but I understand why many do. It makes sense to me.

I don't think you need to label yourself. It sounds like you're okay with being who you are. Just be the best you. In time, if you need words, I think you'll eventually find some that fit. Maybe even reclaim some that don't fit right now.

peace,
Brian

thanks brian, that really helped. i guess you're right, in time i might find the right words. we really are under-represented... i happened to read an article a few hours ago on msn, that hallmark has started to make cards for gay couples- marriage, commitment, etc. we are moving in the right direction! i also think the more people are out, the more we can promote our own cause. i guess im going to have to start with myself first :p thanks again brian

You're welcome!

I didn't know that about Hallmark - that's another perfect example of what we're talking about.

My only other advice is to encourage you to be patient with yourself. I know that I've found coming out to be a lifelong process that I've more or less had to grow into. Just as you'll find the words, I'm confident you'll find YOUR way of being out, present and visible in the world.

The words gay and bi are just labels, as for the whole coming out thing, I think its bullshit, I don't see straight people announcing to the world that they are straight, why in the hell do I have to announce that I'm bi?

S73V3, you dont have to. you choose to if youre comfortable

you don't have to announce it to the world, but if no one ever knows that you are gay, they will assume you are straight, since most people are. and that would mean you would probably only have straight relationships, since nobody knows you also like the same sex. :)