I am new here.  I will apologize ahead of time for this long winded post, but I have written and rewritten it too many times already. To give you a clear picture of who I am...I am married to a woman, have no children, and am the son of evangelical missionaries.

     In the eighth grade I had a sleepover that turned into a makeout session with a friend.  Though I enjoyed it he never spoke of it again.  Later that same year, another friend slept over at my house and somehow we ended up having a makeout session of our own.  He moved shortly after that and I then began a 30+ year suppression of the feelings and doubts these events aroused in me.  Too many times to count during my military service there were subtle opportunities but I held the line.  I maintained my virginity until late in my twenties eventually having sex with only four women, one being the woman I am currently married to for the past 20+ years.  I was irritated by the regular inability to become sufficiently aroused with partners but chalked it up to injuries sustained in combat. However:  My wife and I had fairly regular sexual activity and tried to have children for some time.  It was often difficult to perform and once again, I played it off to my injuries and medications.  It has been over five years since we last had sex of any kind.  Inside I began to wonder about the truth of my excuses, since I was perfectly able to masturbate at will.

     The internet changed everything for me.  After checking out several bisexual and gay porn sites I realized the feelings of the past were still there and finally went out and had several sexual encounters with men.  I now know that I am a rather submissive, 'bottom', bear.  Though I started off considering myself bisexual, recently I have begun thinking of myself as pansexual, and if I am totally honest, more to the full on gay side of things lately.  I am still deeply closetted since I am certain that coming out would almost literally destroy my wife and probably my disabled, retired missionary, mother. My mother would never turn on me, I am sure of that, but it would definately hurt her. On top of that, it would financially ruin both myself and my wife, and I would probably not be allowed to see my nieces and nephews, that I helped raise. It is those nieces that have changed things again.

     Last year, while they were home from college, one of my closest nieces accused me of being homophobic.  I have no idea why, but I snorted and told her that would be odd since I was gay, after all.  She laughed and said 'duh', and that she and her sisters had wondered over the past few years.  Later, I came out to her sisters.  They were very understanding, and the weight of my secret go so much lighter, but it was replaced by a terror that they might tell my brother.  I was physically ill for almost a week afterwards.  I stopped all sexual activity and threw myself into caring for my father.  I began to relax and stopped worrying about my brother.  That all ended at my father's funeral.

     Right before the funeral, my brother and I had a disagreement, and he threatened to out me to my mother!  I went home and threw up, then became ill for almost a full week.  I even began to question my sexuality yet again.  I threw myself into caring for my mother and settling my father's affairs.  I calmed down and enjoyed several months of relative peace.  Until Easter that is.

     My wife's sister's daughter came home for Easter vacation, and began to talk about how fat she was and how she needed bigger boobs.  Her brother and I told her that was nonsense and I used several stories to drive home the point.  I told her that a guy had followed me into the restroom at the store and propostitioned me for sex.  I laughed and told her I said no, but was flattered, and that it proved that weight was clearly not an issue, since I am a big fat bear, and besides she is a tiny little thing.  My nephew agreed, and we all laughed.  After my nephew left, I told her a few more stories and somehow she came back to the restroom guy.  I laughed and said, oh what the hell, "i made out with him".  I told her I was just joking, but she called my bluff and asked if I was bisexual.  I think the fact that she used bisexual instead of gay, made me say yes.  She was a little surprised, but not shocked, and said it explained a lot.  I had told her a story about a 'friend' that had a boyfriend but couldn't tell his wife because of her suicide attempt in high school.  She said she understood that he was conflicted since he was actually cheating on her, but had to be true to who he really was.  Now I admitted the 'friend' was actually me, though my wife never attempted suicide.  She said she knew my wife would really be devastated if I came out, but she wanted me to be happy and not so lonely.  I explained that I was willing to sacrifice my happiness for her continued happiness and the ablility to keep having a relationship with her and my nephew.  Later that day, we went to the beach, and to prove I meant what I said about body image and weight, I took my shirt off and walked the beach with my niece.  She knows I NEVER ever go shirtless anywhere, much less the beach. 

     It has been a rough few weeks since then.  Every time my sister-in-law calls, I cringe.  My niece and her mother share everything, and my sister-in has the biggest mouth in the south.  Her blabbing even caused my last employer to not renew my contract! My secret is out there now, in the hands of people who may not think it should remain a secret, and it terrifies me.  It is clearly unravelling, and only a matter of time until someone outs me.

     The thing is, that simple walk on the beach somehow changed me.  Walking along, talking about being attracted to men, and having sex with them, so completely exposed, opened me up even more internally.  Now I am struggling even harder with my secret, and have had to literally bite my tongue to keep from screaming out 'I'M F***ING GAY DAMMIT!!'.  The intensity of that walk has driven me back to having encounters with men again, and that just adds to the fear, desperation, loneliness, and frustration.  I think part of me is trying to come out.  Yesterday I went to a local LGBT thrift and bought a bright pink, jersey, mini-skirt.  Then I put it on and drove around the city.  I cannot explain why, but I eventually went into the local adult toy/video shop, still in the mini.  When the blue haired, heavily pierced, clerk smiled and told me she liked my skirt, I started blabbering about being gay and blah, blah, blah.  She encouraged me to be strong, and told me she had been gay since her teens.  I almost cried when I got back into the car. 

     Since then I have gone into several "normal" establishments on the outskirts of town, where nobody knows me, wearing the same skirt.  Each time, I care less and less what people think, building on the beach experience.  ON the flip side, I feel myself unravelling, terrified of what will happen if I am outed, but unable to stop myself now.  Each day I am more and more overwhelmed with the need to be with a man, both physically and emotionally, all the while angry at myself for cheating on my innocent wife.  I'm right and I'm wrong and I know it.  What makes me feel the worst is that I don't feel guilty for cheating.  I know that sounds bad, but I don't.  I will however feel terrible when it ever hits her.  I love her as a person who I have shared so much with, but if I am honest, I don't think I ever truly was In love with her.  In fact, I am starting to wonder if I can even be IN love with someone, man or woman.  Ever since my childhood in a war-torn country surrounded by death, and later my own combat experiences, I have struggled with depression and PTSD, with several suicidal events.

     I do not feel overwhelmingly suicidal now, just terrifed, cornered, and alone.  I have always been the one to help others in their time of need, and now I have few answers for myself, though I know what probably is best for all.  I think that is why I am a bottom sexually.  It is the only time I get to let go of control and let someone else control things. 

     In closing, let me say this.  To those of you who are out and struggling, know that I envy you and respect you immensely for your courage and the freedom you have gained.  When it gets tough, just remember when you were where I am now, and how terrible it was to have to keep the real you hidden, and how damaging it was to deny your very true self.  Stay strong and pray for those of us still stuck in our closets.