I want to come out. I want to come out really badly. I am tired of lying to my family and friends and not being true to myself. However, I feel as though I am in over my head.

I admitted to myself that I was probably a lesbian just recently. Throughout my life I always knew that there was something different about me, but I could never quite put a finger on it. I was raised in a pretty loving Christian family and I am still very heavily involved in my church. Of course, like most Christian denominations, being gay was not something that was accepted. It was even discussed in my youth group when I was in middle school that being gay was wrong and a sin. So naturally I tried to ignore the fact that I found girls attractive. I just figured everyone did. I knew that the "natural" thing was to be attracted to guys if you were a girl so I just figured that my close relationship with a male friend was what being in love was like.

I was 14 when I had my first boyfriend. I honestly thought I was attracted to him just like all of my friends were attracted to theirs. I had expectations for what it should be like, but it still felt wrong somehow. I wasn't sure though since I was so inexperienced. When that relationship ended, I was hurt, but not because he was no longer my boyfriend. I was sad that we had ruined our friendship in the process. After him I proceeded to date other guys. I had three more relationships, but none seemed to last anymore than a few months. I just couldn't stand when things got physical. I was uncomfortable and somewhat disgusted even by the thought of making out. I had such good guy friends and very few girls that I was close to. So I guess i just tried to find relationships among my closest friends (guys). But somehow it still didn't feel right.

This summer after my most recent relationship ended, I went into a deep depression. I couldnt figure out why things felt wrong as soon as we crossed the line from friends to boyfriend and girlfriend. I took long walks alone by myself to clear my mind. I did some soul searching and even tried changing religions. I was looking for acceptance, and I couldn't figure out why. I felt excluded. Some of this was a result of my last boyfriend's family. They were strict, conservative Christians and liked to persecute anyone who didn't fit the mould, including me, despite the fact that I was dating their son. I thought that that was the only reason I was feeling so excluded. However, I soon started to explore my feelings. I had always noticed pretty girls but I just thought it was because I wanted to be like them. I'd notice their faces and bodies and feel really excited. I wanted to be around them, and talk to them.

Then one day I realized I had the urge to kiss one of my only girl friends. I was immediately disgusted with myself. i tried to push the feelings back but they only seem to get stronger the more I fight them. I have dreams almost every night it seems about relationships with women. I cant seem to get these thoughts out of my head. My parents have noticed me being really distracted and down lately. But I have no idea how to tell them. I know that this would completely blindside them, and i dont want to hurt them. Its hurting me though not to tell them. I feel like I cant be myself.

I also started another relationship with a really close friend of mine who is a guy. I knew he liked me and I thought that I just hadn't found the right guy yet and that my feelings would change. However, they havent. Ive only become more attracted to girls, and I dont know what to do about it.

I feel so isolated, so stuck, and so nervous. I lead a group at my high school for Christians and coming out would ruin how everyone views me. I feel no problem with my religion. I want to stay a Christian when I do come out, but others are not as accepting. i dont know even where to begin. How do I tell my friends? How do I tell my parents? How to I tell my current boyfriend that Im leaving him because I like girls? How do I deal with my position as leader of the Christian group? How do I deal with the transition into college (im a senior in HS) as a lesbian? Where do I go from here?

Thanks for dealing with this super long rant and explanation. Please help me! I dont know who else to reach out to. Thanks! :)