Coming Out Support Group
This community is dedicated to the challenges that gay men and lesbian women face, both between the partners in a relationship and from other influences (family, society, etc.). Find support and talk to others who may be facing the same challenges, and share your experience.
Hi. I just joined this group and wanted to introduce myself. I am 20 and bisexual. Also, I was wondering if anyone would be able to give me some advice.
I started coming out in my early teen years. The first person I told was my parents. My dad was then and always has pretty much just ignored it. My mother on the other hand, freaked. She blamed the first girl I started dating and still blames this girl. I had asked my mom at 11 years old what she would do if I was gay and she just told me to go away. Then at 13 I started dating a girl. She did not like the fact that my parents did not know and a month into the relationship I told them. My mother screamed at me, called the girls grandmother and told her what was going on, that I was no longer allowed to see the girl, and that the girl had screwed me up. She told me it was all that girls fault and that it was wrong and I was not allowed to see her again.
A few years later I started dating another girl. She came over on a Friday after school, and we started dating then. She stayed at my house over the weekend and left Sunday. I told my parents I was dating her Sunday night. My dad got mad I had her in my bed the whole weekend but ignored the relationship after that night. My mother freaked again and wouldn't allow me to see the girl for a few weeks, but when I didn't give in she let me see her. But if I even held the girls hand my mother tweaked.
Now I am 20. I am still having severe issues with my mother. I was in the car with her and my brother yesterday. Somehow, we got on the topic of gays. My mother stated that she was not homophobic and my brother and I both laughed and said oh yes she was. She said she wasn't. I then stated that she had a problem with me and she freaked out yet again. Said, "I do NOT have a problem with gays, I just have a problem with my DAUGHTER BEING GAY, or bisexual or what ever the **** you say you are. You cause this ****ing family enough grief with your medical and psych issues, you are not allowed to ruin it any ****ing more by being ****ing GAY!"
I just do not know how to deal with my mother. My brother was even surprised to here that come from her. I don't know what to do, or how to get her to realize I am not going to change. I am in a relationship with a man now, but I still feel the same way about women as I do men. I will still say going down the street that I think that some girl is hot just as much as some guy. Why can't I get my mother to accept me or at least understand? Does anyone have any advice on this situation? It would really be appreciated.
I started coming out in my early teen years. The first person I told was my parents. My dad was then and always has pretty much just ignored it. My mother on the other hand, freaked. She blamed the first girl I started dating and still blames this girl. I had asked my mom at 11 years old what she would do if I was gay and she just told me to go away. Then at 13 I started dating a girl. She did not like the fact that my parents did not know and a month into the relationship I told them. My mother screamed at me, called the girls grandmother and told her what was going on, that I was no longer allowed to see the girl, and that the girl had screwed me up. She told me it was all that girls fault and that it was wrong and I was not allowed to see her again.
A few years later I started dating another girl. She came over on a Friday after school, and we started dating then. She stayed at my house over the weekend and left Sunday. I told my parents I was dating her Sunday night. My dad got mad I had her in my bed the whole weekend but ignored the relationship after that night. My mother freaked again and wouldn't allow me to see the girl for a few weeks, but when I didn't give in she let me see her. But if I even held the girls hand my mother tweaked.
Now I am 20. I am still having severe issues with my mother. I was in the car with her and my brother yesterday. Somehow, we got on the topic of gays. My mother stated that she was not homophobic and my brother and I both laughed and said oh yes she was. She said she wasn't. I then stated that she had a problem with me and she freaked out yet again. Said, "I do NOT have a problem with gays, I just have a problem with my DAUGHTER BEING GAY, or bisexual or what ever the **** you say you are. You cause this ****ing family enough grief with your medical and psych issues, you are not allowed to ruin it any ****ing more by being ****ing GAY!"
I just do not know how to deal with my mother. My brother was even surprised to here that come from her. I don't know what to do, or how to get her to realize I am not going to change. I am in a relationship with a man now, but I still feel the same way about women as I do men. I will still say going down the street that I think that some girl is hot just as much as some guy. Why can't I get my mother to accept me or at least understand? Does anyone have any advice on this situation? It would really be appreciated.
WyndWytch
it sounds like to a point your mom has accepted you in that she isn't standing in the way. She isn't going to like it nor is she willing to try to understand it and that just comes from being horribly stubborn. In that she will eventually have to decide on if she is going to be more open or not. I have dealt with similar things from different angles so in a way i can relate, when i was in the military i was dating a girl and her mom dispised me because I was pagan, to me i was the spawn of the damned and she even told me as much. Eventually the girl and i split up because i couldn't stay (military life) and she didn't want to leave, her mom later says that i wasn't all that bad a person :P seems she couldn't get past it in the 2 years, it took 3 :P Being trans when i came out to my mom, she had a harder time understanding that i wanted to be with girls than the fact i felt i was a girl, Took her a while but she has moved past that now. Your mom may eventually come around, right now she is fighting and staying in denial, your father ignoring it is reinforcing that act. She has no one to really discuss it with and thus no way to really get beyond where she is. i really hope for your sake she does get over it soon.
NightSkye7
My dad and her haven't talked in years besides through email about child support. I just don't know what to do with her because she is continuous about it ruining our family and everything. Seriously? My conservative grandparents accept it and don't think it will ruin anything but she can't? She says I'm going to either become straight or ruin her life even f***ing more? like really? I just don't know what to do...
WyndWytch
Sounds to me like she holds the thought that she is somehow responsible for it and is blaming herself for things. Fact is you being bi is just how yu are and has nothing to do with her. You being bi or anything else (I glanced at your profile) isn't going to ruin anything unless your mom wants it to. Ultimately she is going to have to be called out on that fact. Make her site exactly what it has ruined. When she says things and they are internal to her she needs to be called on them. You are fine as you are. Happily you don't have to live with her forever so at some point you will be able to choose when you are willing to tollerate her behaviour ;) Maybe your grandparents can discuss it with her? Ultimately she needs someone to talk to about it but isn't going to go find that person on her own.
NightSkye7
You make some good points. Maybe it is just her. Thankfully I already do not live with her. Good idea about my grandparents, I will have to ask them.
Join the Conversation