Coming Out Support Group
This community is dedicated to the challenges that gay men and lesbian women face, both between the partners in a relationship and from other influences (family, society, etc.). Find support and talk to others who may be facing the same challenges, and share your experience.
Hello Everyone,
I am out on a limb here and am asking for your thoughts about whether or not my ex has been denying himself for years or not.
I am in the process of getting a divorce. Throughout my relationship, my ex was constantly confusing me about sex! When we first starting dating, all his freinds would make 'jokes' about him being gay and he was fine with that, and played along. When our relationship got serious, that stopped. He use to love watching porn but always by himself, when I asked if we could watch them together, that was never an option. The majority of the porn was always hidden from me, and to this day, he has yet to watch one of the 'girl gone wild' videos I bought.
About a month ago, when we were talking about our divorce, he mentioned to me how natural it was for two men to be together. He told me how he perferred watching male on male porn over any other type. He mentioned that he preferred watching a man orgasm than a woman. I thought that this was odd, but put it in the back of my mind.
He has never said that he is gay or wants to be with another man, but he has said that the idea has been there for years. His younger brother 'came out' in October to their family and my ex wouldn't stop talking about it for weeks. We even fought over the fact that I didn't talk about it enough.
When I think about this, I question whether or not he is struggling with the issue of being gay or not - but each time I do, it makes me question myself (how I look, my body, and how appealing I am sexually). When I told a girlfriend about all this (and some more information which may be too explicit for this forum) she is convinced that he is gay!
If he is gay, that's fine - I would want him to be happy and comfortable with himself. What I want to know is how to approach the subject with him, without him blowing up! Or even if I should approach the subject because he might not be ready yet to talk about it outloud.
Anyone out there have any thoughts for me about this - I feel like knowing this factor may help me deal with or get over the divorce.
I am out on a limb here and am asking for your thoughts about whether or not my ex has been denying himself for years or not.
I am in the process of getting a divorce. Throughout my relationship, my ex was constantly confusing me about sex! When we first starting dating, all his freinds would make 'jokes' about him being gay and he was fine with that, and played along. When our relationship got serious, that stopped. He use to love watching porn but always by himself, when I asked if we could watch them together, that was never an option. The majority of the porn was always hidden from me, and to this day, he has yet to watch one of the 'girl gone wild' videos I bought.
About a month ago, when we were talking about our divorce, he mentioned to me how natural it was for two men to be together. He told me how he perferred watching male on male porn over any other type. He mentioned that he preferred watching a man orgasm than a woman. I thought that this was odd, but put it in the back of my mind.
He has never said that he is gay or wants to be with another man, but he has said that the idea has been there for years. His younger brother 'came out' in October to their family and my ex wouldn't stop talking about it for weeks. We even fought over the fact that I didn't talk about it enough.
When I think about this, I question whether or not he is struggling with the issue of being gay or not - but each time I do, it makes me question myself (how I look, my body, and how appealing I am sexually). When I told a girlfriend about all this (and some more information which may be too explicit for this forum) she is convinced that he is gay!
If he is gay, that's fine - I would want him to be happy and comfortable with himself. What I want to know is how to approach the subject with him, without him blowing up! Or even if I should approach the subject because he might not be ready yet to talk about it outloud.
Anyone out there have any thoughts for me about this - I feel like knowing this factor may help me deal with or get over the divorce.
To make a long story short, I was married to a woman for six months thinking that would put the kibosh on my homosexual tendencies. (I didn't know I was doing this at the time; hindsight is 20/20) We're in the process of getting divorced now, and I haven't yet come out to her. (And I don't plan on doing so) My wife kept asking me if I had a problem with her or didn't I find her attractive enough. I told her I was attracted to her physically just not sexually. (If that makes any sense) She asked me if I was gay, and I said no, but since I've gone back to my male friend, who is now my lover, I think she gets the point.
It doesn't sound like your ex is denying himself if he's been watching gay male porn and he has openly talked to you about it.
There's no need for you to question yourself. I think all signs point to him being gay. His brother is, and it could very well be genetic. If he is gay, it is not a reflection on you, and you didn't turn him gay. I'm sure he really loved you and wanted to love you as a woman, but he just couldn't.
Hope this helps. Take care.
Chris
I cannot emphasis enough how important it is that you let him do this in his own time. Just remain supportive and kind through all of this an you will keep a friend for life.
good luck
charles