well there is also the other option, will you leave find some woman, be with them and find out that its not what you want? So there are a number of things here that need to be addressed, first and foremost, HE needs to be in therapy to work through his stuff. if he's bipolar and such then it needs to be addressed and he needs to be medicated for it by an appropriate physician. If he is just depressed he may or may not need medication, however he still needs it addressed. As far as the intimacy issues, those can be addressed as well. This is something you can use. if you intend on leaving him then let him know he needs to get these things addressed to have a chance of keeping you. You should also go to therapy to deal with his issues and your own. To me it sounds a lot like you haven't had experience with other areas and so the curiosity is getting you. Talk to him about you going and playing with someone else and let him if he wants. Then you can try going and having sex with a woman or whatever. There are ways you can work this to make things work. I think what you are going to find is that in all relationships the whole physical side declines over time. It gets repetitive and in the end a bit dull and as such will drop off. So with that in mind the real question is going to be.... what are you going to do when you get older? You're about 26 right now based on the numbers above, what will happen when you are 40, 50, 60? Your mate may not be able to have sex or get much pleasure out of it. That happens as you get older so what will you do at that point? the physical side removed from the equation just do to being old?

long and short, talk to him and try to get into a position where you can somewhat explore. You wont find a "stable" person, they don't exist, just a more stable one than what you have now. So you can explore that. He needs to go to therapy to work through his issues period. I have a sneaking suspicion that the depression and all is the largest part of the whole thing and he needs to address that. You should also go see a therapist for the stress that has put on you, your feelings and thoughts in general and the whole dynamic. Lastly, you will want to sit and reflect on what is the most important elements of a relationship for you. I bring this one up because I hear a lot about lack of sex being a factor in breaking couples apart. I haven't had sex in 9 years and my relationship is still strong, we show affection but sexual stuff is off the table because of my own issues. How we get around that, she can have a friend she has sex with "no other feelings allowed". My issues require some very expensive elements to fix so it takes a very long time to get there. so it works for us. She likes being with me because of who I am, not what I can do for her, and sex wise, its just a physical thing she can take care of herself or she can go see a friend of hers. All that said, one day, she simply isn't going to want to anymore.... that's age. I'm 40, I am getting there already. So something to consider.

Thanks for your reply, WyndWytch.

I've been working with him to address some of these issues that you brought up. We've been very open and communicative about my coming out. He's very understanding and always suspected, so I really couldn't be with a better person in this situation as far as that goes. Opening up our marriage in various ways has come up a couple of times and it's just not something he's comfortable with, which I completely understand... I don't think that'd be for me either.

As far as his depression and bipolar disorder goes, he's on medication, and does not want to see a therapist. He's been in and out of therapy since he was a small child and doesn't feel that it's ever done anything to help him. I don't think he's ever stuck with a therapist long enough to get to the root of anything, but I haven't been able to convince him of that; he just thinks therapy is worthless.

I've been in therapy for a while. I see my therapist faithfully every week and we address everything that I've posted about here. She's helped me a lot in trying to figure out what I want and need. I've always had a very hard time expressing my wants/needs to others and really just figuring them out in general. I've gotten a lot better at this over the last year, but still struggle. :)

I love that you are able to make your set up work. It sounds like you truly have a wonderful relationship! I know that sexual desire ebbs over time. We've been in a committed relationship for a decade now, so of course we'll not be like we were when we were teenagers... particularly now with a kiddo. I suppose it's not the frequency of sex that bothers me, it's the fact that there's no intimacy and never has been. We've been "working" on intimacy issues for several years now, and always seem to come to a dead end.

Haha there's so much more I could say. Sorry for the novel! I guess the short of it is that I just don't know what to do anymore and I've gotten tired of working on the same things for years. I know that a relationship takes work. :) I was feeling very down about it all when I wrote this post last night, and looking back, I probably shouldn't have made it...

Thanks again for your reply!

I don't mind, there's actually a lot of information there that is useful. It is good that you have your therapist to help you. He needs to go back though. Therapy is only useful if you are willing to tell the therapist the truth and tell them everything. I was in and out of therapy since I was 16, I didn't tell them of my trans issues and as such they were never able to help. If he isn't telling them everything they cant do anything to help, likewise he needs to stay with one pure and simple. That said depression is a nasty bugger and when you have it you really don't want to do anything. Does he or you spend much time on the computer or with the TV? If so I would recommend going on a date. 10 years is a long time and things get taken for granted over time. You will be fighting against his depression but it might be of some benefit, even if its a night out to a movie or a dinner. Otherwise I really recommend the ultimatum of "I cant do this anymore, ive tried fixing things and you are not trying to fix yourself, so you either need to or I am going to have to leave" but when you do it make sure you have a place to go. I mean you are right with a kid things are never quite the same. Hell even with a dog its not... Noses end up in odd places at bad times :P but that wouldn't preclude affection from being able to be there. so yeah he needs to get his stuff fixed and stable, it takes 2 to make it work and only 1 to make it fail.

PS. heheh and making the post when you are down is EXACTLY when you should make them. its when you need the support and support is what this place is all about.

im almost in the same place u r but my gf and shes trans i was at one time marred to a man not any more im haveing a hard time here and now she broke up with me and im a les and i love her to death but shes not happy anymore and im new here so i do feel for u u can talk to me any time if u want to

and how would i know when someone is on line