Coming Out Support Group

This community is dedicated to the challenges that gay men and lesbian women face, both between the partners in a relationship and from other influences (family, society, etc.). Find support and talk to others who may be facing the same challenges, and share your experience.

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HurtinDucki 07/13/2013

I came out when I was 18 to my parents while I was in the Army. The response was positive until I came home. My grandparents told me I was disgusting and my mother watched them do this and forced me to give them a hug. After that confrontation I wanted nothing to do with my family, but slowly with time we have reconnected under this weird silent don't ask don't tell policy. I never talk about my partners or my sexuality. The issue is I am planning to get married shortly with my partner of 4 years. I feel like my family has a right to know but it feels like I'm outing myself again and it's extremely nerve wracking due to the first response. If anyone has any advice on how to deal with this it would be appreciated. I know my family won't be at the wedding and I can accept that but I would at least like to provide them with the opportunity. I just don't want things to be awkward with my family and I also don't want to lose them.

WyndWytch 07/15/2013

Unfortunately, the only way to really do it is to just come out with it, your parents seem to be middle of the road/accepting, but your grandparents are hostile. Your parents may not defend you from them out of respect or whatever reason (honestly I think to not defend is ridiculous) but just do it that way, your other option, just mail them invitations and call it good, if they come great if not, then you are prepared for that. From there it would be a rebuilding thing.

borikenuno 07/16/2013

I was in the Army under DADT too. I was lucky to have a fairly easy coming out, but it was not without problems. As for you, you're being way too nice to them about the whole situation. If anyone is not supportive, break away from them and shake the dust from under your feet. You don't get to choose your relatives, but you choose your family. Create a family of people who support you. If you keep those who don't in your life, it will negatively affect your marriage, so I don't advise it.

Make it clear that only people who support you are welcome at your wedding, and don't think twice about making your plans to marry public. Stand up and be proud! If your family loves you, they'll come around; if not, they never loved you in the first place. But understand that you owe them nothing: no apology, no regret, for being who you are.

deleted_user 07/16/2013

That's really unfortunate and I'm had some of the same with my family. With my parents we really don't speak about it at all. What I found to work was using my brother as a middle ground and letting him talk to my parents about a few things and casually relay some details of my private life. Sort of making it a little more normal, if you will. Is there someone in your family who can do this? There is no real option but to come out again and keep just reminding your family - it can be an issue of denial for them too. As they say, it's not just you who comes out, but your whole family.

deleted_user 07/16/2013

Maybe it would be easier to tell them over email or the phone or something? Or you could just send them an invite without any communication other than that if you're really nervous. Im sorry you have to be in this position. It's really unfair. Maybe eventually they will come around, and if not.. then at least you're going to have a wonderful partner to support you for the rest of your life. :)

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