Sorry it took so long for you to get a reply, this site has been very quite since the whole covid thing hit and not sure how many people will come back. There is a whole lot to go through in that with a good deal of possibilities. There is the possibility you just really dont care about a persons body but the connection when it comes to a partner. You were attracted to certain traits in the man you met, sure you thought he was cute, but you seemed more interested in the other aspects in the writing. I mean in the end, if you want to stay with your wife, stay with her. Be okay with the fact you have more options open to you than a lot of people are willing to let themselves have. What you described has gone on in human kind throughout history in most cultures. Rome being a prime example, so it's not really abnormal, it's certainly not something to be ashamed of, it is just a part of who you are. It sounds like you have already made the choice of what path you want to take and the concept of seeing the inside rather than the outside of a potential partner may be the way to look at it. Hopefully this helps some.

Thank you @WyndWytch for your thoughts. I appreciate your perspective and I will say I am not ashamed at all. In fact it has made me feel whole and stronger just acknowledging it. My wife and I are working on us and getting through the infidelity, which is the hard part for me, as I never thought I would do something like that. I hurt her and there is nothing I can do to change that, except have patience and understanding as she processes. I just wish the universe had a stronger message for me to hear than what I did, to get to where I am now.

Does anyone know of any good resources for spouses to help them gt through this, besides our therapists?

We have talked and she is okay, with me having attraction to men as long as, I do with women, I look at the menu but not order. :0)

I appreciate the historical perspective too.

Hello Shylock, I have read your post and understand what you are feeling. I can tell you about my experience being a post-op trans-female. I will give you a brief run down on my situation but as a reminder to you that everyone's experience is different. Like me I have been only with woman in my lifetime still being married to my her for 36 years and living apart ever since 2019 (she lives in a different state than me) There will be times that I would react when I see a male that I wouldn't prior but I guess it's the hormones. I would have males try their best to hit on me as I would say that I am not interested and I am a lesbian. I would hear from other's that it can be an interested feeling having sex with a man but there was a day that I gave in and tried to explore it but I didn't find it to be pleasurable, as I will say it wasn't for one night it was like 4 times and each time it didn't change for me. He had to many hang ups and the same went for me as well. One thing I wasn't getting aroused by him and he wasn't pleasing for me, I can do better with a toy than doing it live with a person LOL... I do still love my wife and my family but their true colors came out finding out that they are all transphobic. It is sad for me to say that I can not see my family as Danielle that I have to be in male mode in order to see them but now that is starting to be far in the distant, I have 5 kids and I don't see my oldest daughter ever since I left in 2019, I will say that I didn't leave my family just to transition, I left because of the abuse I was getting from my wife and then the transition came 4 months later. When I do get hit on by a male it makes me feel good inside that it tells me that I pass as a female.
I am glad that you told your wife about your encounter as I told my wife that the truth will eventually come out and believe me it did with me. As I got a new phone and when I was talking to my wife the phone inadvertently went to video and she saw me as Danielle and started yelling at me. I will say that it was a highlight of my life. As of today she still refuses to divorce me and I have to try my best to locate the date of my second marriage to her but I don't remember the date and this state that I reside in goes by the date of the marriage which is stupid.
Sorry for being so long but people will tell you that they know that I still love my family including my wife. But the main thing advise I can give you is to keep the line of communication open between your wife to keep it strong. Good luck to you as you have my prayers.
if you have questions, please feel free to post on here as one of us will respond.

@acorn551 thank you for your kind and thoughtful words. I am sorry that your experience has not been as compassionate and empathetic. I am learning we are who we are and by being true to ourselves we are better for it. My wife and I have our own therapists and we are in couples therapy too. We have recommitted to each other as I don't want to be with anyone else. The part of me that is attracted to men is there, but it is not the dominate part and she is okay with this part of me. I am because it makes me stronger in the world with this part of my acknowledged. In fact I think the Universe is really trying to lead us to be our best selves too. She has things to work on that she had stuffed and now hopefully will. I have my things too. together we are going to come out of this stronger. The hard part for me now is giving her the time to process. I came to my conclusions quickly and she is still processing her feelings of being abandoned, which is what she feels. I share with her, I never left her, because in the moments after I was talking about her and how much a love her, even though I was compelled to have this experience. She says she believes me and it will take time.

An interesting thing happened at the gym the other day. A man who swims when I do, asked if I would go to dinner if I have time. I didn't think much of it, as I go to lunch with another guy from the gym and share my travel pix. This guy then offered me reflexology bc of my shoulder pain. I was like sure, I'll do anything to escape the pain. I didn't think much about until I was driving home, wondering if I should tell her. I say this because I think he was asking me out on a date. It just started to feel that way. I have no attraction to him and ultimately decided to tell her as a funny story from the gym. She did not like it and is processing it now, as creepy. I guess it could have been, but I said, not as bad as 2015 when I was showering and I turned around to have a guy all lathered up with soap staring at me as he masturbated. That was creepy and I got out of there fast. I shared that with no one, until the other day.

Anyway, I guess my point is for me this is a process of patience since I want to be her and she needs time. It is just hard because life is short and I want us to have much joy, not the pain and hurt we are both feeling .What I will share in therapy with her is this will never happen again because I could not ever inflict this type/amount of pain on her ever again with my infidelity. This is the paart that we need to heal not the gay part of me. That is here to stay and maybe imprinted at birth, since when I was born, via C-Section, my Mom told me yesterday that the doctor swore I was going to be a girl and said "It's a girl...with a boy's bottom." I don't really think it imprinted anything on me, but it is interesting.

Thank you again for sharing and "listening" as we are not sharing this with our friends and family at any level, so it is lonely sometimes, since I only have her, therapists and my journal.

So as far as help for your wife, there are groups on here for spouses of X, so there is that option, unfortunately outside of that sources of good information are tough. I know a lot will turn to like religious leaders, friends, family and so on. Obviously the mileage varies with those. Trust is one of those hard things because it takes a second to lose but forever to fix. I think the couples thing is good, I think her therapist is going to be helpful for sure, and I think honestly the biggest one will be you. Listening to her, acknowledging her feelings, understanding that she's always going to have this dirty little fingernail in the back of her head wondering "is he doing X" when you do something like "go to lunch" with someone. You might consider extending the invite if it isn't for some specific rendezvous so she can see that it is just hanging with a friend. Even if she says she doesn't want to go, she knows that if you were going to be doing something then you wouldn't have asked and it builds that trust. I myself am Polyamourous, meaning that at any given time i have a number of relationships going at once. it is not an easy thing to navigate but that being completely open and honest, setting boundaries and guidelines with the primary (in your case your wife) to set tollerances and so on are key. Basically sitting her down and saying, Okay you said you are okay with this. So I want you to outline exactly what expectations you have to make you comfortable with it. Then you and her talk them out and come to a comfortable point. Then you follow them. For my little circle any new one coming in (from anyones angle) everyone has to meet and approve before anything goes on. if someone says no, it doesn't happen. Not saying you have to go with that, but that was one of the guidelines that we all agreed on. There are other rules and such for safety, like anyone coming in must have a test for STD's and all prior and show the results to the person in the group, obviously testing of everyone within is a must as well. Making sure that someone knows where you are when its someone knew, so on. You know things to keep one another safe from all the nasty things that roam the world. Anyhow, this got really long, so i will stop, but those are just some thoughts. Communication is the biggest thing in all of this. Make sure to be open with her and let her be open with you. Listen, don't just hear.

Thanks @WyndWytch. I like your idea of inviting her and so does my therapist. I know she won't come. The issue is this happened when I was traveling internationally, so I think once we get through things the first time doing that again she may be nervous. She could come with me, but I will be working most likely and she cannot come on the events because of liabilities. I think part of my thought, based on some light chats during sex that adding someone to our fun might be okay. She has said absolutely not, so for that choice to happen, we separate. We are both not willing to do that and I am okay with that given my level of attraction to men. To me it is turning into the same feeling as when I see a beautiful woman. Oh look...moving on. We are definitely doing a lot of listening and like I mentioned we have individual and couples therapist to help us through this. Thank you, and don't ever worry about writing too much... I will take any advice people have.