Coming Out Support Group

This community is dedicated to the challenges that gay men and lesbian women face, both between the partners in a relationship and from other influences (family, society, etc.). Find support and talk to others who may be facing the same challenges, and share your experience.

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fridanyc 09/18/2017

I came out to my 9 yr old son about 2 weeks ago. I did not use the word gay or lesbian but I tell him that my partner and I are more than friends that we love each other and care about each other alot. He became upset during the conversation and initially shut down. When I asked why he was so mad he said because its weird and because he just wants us to be best friends. I told him that there isnt anything weird about 2 people loving each other and that we both care and love him alot but the reality is that we are more than friends. Yesterday he became upset and withdrawn when my gf referred to me as "babe" in a store. When I spoke to him about it he said it made him feel upset and that its weird. Today he called me while at work (he was with a sitter) and told me he has been thinking about the initial conversation we had and that today in schooll he wasnt able to concentrate because thats all he could think of. He also told me it made him cry. I know that coming out to him is a process and that it will probably require several conversations but I feel so horrible right now. I hate the thought of him being so sad and upset by this. How can I comfort him and better explain things to him.

WyndWytch 09/18/2017

Does he know his other parent? This behavior is honestly not any different than many kids have when it comes to separated parents getting into another relationship after separation. Often times the child feels like they have to betray their love to the other parent because mom has a new relationship or dad has a new relationship. He may be seeing your relationship with the other person as him being forced to chose between your partner or his other parent. I am not completely convinced that the issue is solely centered around just a same sex relationship. If your son has little or no contact with his other parent and such then there is also the possibility that if he's been with you his whole life and its been you and him, he may be worried about his position in the relationship. Much like if you had a new child in the house. There are a lot of possibilities. Right now he's also trying to figure out who he is as a person as well so that is another complication. I am sure you will be able to get there. Really you are doing exactly what you need to be doing. You are talking to him about it, letting him ask questions and listening to his feelings. He's just going to need some time.

fridanyc 09/19/2017

Thank you WyndWytch your response brought me comfort. My son does have a relationship with his father and sees him 2 to 3 times a week. However, my partner and I are the primary care takers and the ones who do everything. His father basically takes him to have dinner one day a week and has him sleep over Saturday's at which time he mostly has him in front of the T.V. I know all this is multilayered and conflicting for my son I can imagine he is probably realizing my mom and dad really wont be together, feeling anger because we do things with him he wishes his father would do for him, along with processing that his mom is in a same sex relationship which he might feel makes him different (he always worries about fitting in or being liked). As a parent I cant help but feel guilt sometimes. This is all so fresh right now I hope that with time things get better.

WyndWytch 09/19/2017

in time they will, it's just going to take time is all. He will get there.

Cyberis 11/02/2017

My advice is to give him time it's sometimes hard to accept new changes. Tell him that you love him and are here for him. Maybe try to educate him on what gay and lesbian means and say it might be cool to have an extra parent so now you can get even more love, and gifts.

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