Coming Out Support Group
This community is dedicated to the challenges that gay men and lesbian women face, both between the partners in a relationship and from other influences (family, society, etc.). Find support and talk to others who may be facing the same challenges, and share your experience.
I found this site on Google, and I apologize for the long wall of text. I am really just searching for an outlet as I've never had one. This is my story...
I celebrated my anniversary the other day, the anniversary of my first ever date. Almost a year ago, I went out with this cute girl, smart, kind, great sense of humor, motivated, not mixed up in any risky behavior and kind of nerdy (a plus in my book). She was what I always told myself was the complete package-- Oh was I miserable. I just wanted out! The date went horrible. That night I just cried and cried and cried, what was wrong with me? I was able, over several hours, to finally work up the courage and admit the truth I had been running from for the last decade (and this post is the first time in any form I am admitting this to others)...
I am gay.
I realized I was still crying that night, but it was because I was just so darned happy. In an instant I felt a decade's worth of guilt, doubt and self loathing just lift away.
I spent the better part of that weekend mapping out a strategy for myself and assessing my emotional state. I reasoned that, yes, I was happy, but had several things to work on. While not a fanatic, I am Christian and spent much of the following months trying to reconcile my faith. I finally came to the realization that God and Jesus love me just as they made me, gay.
My personal life is kind of strange. I am a college student, but I live at a school very close to my house. Essentially, there is a very good chance that if I were to come out, my family would find out very quickly, and Im just not ready for that. So I made a deal with myself, until I finish my education, I would publicly stay closeted. This was a compromise, I would have to privately celebrate my newly embraced identity (research the culture, learn the history, pay closer attention to my LGBTQ friends, etc.).
I have lived this thinly veiled closeted life for the past year. I have felt so wonderful not trying to convince myself that my feelings and attractions are wrong or misdirected. I have gotten to know myself and it is a beautiful experience. I am however feeling I am on the cusp of revealing my new found self (this site is in fact my first step). The trouble is, my family.
My family are my best friends. My closest confidant is my Mom. Not letting her in the loop has begun to hurt. However, she and the rest of my family are rather touchy and outdated. Growing up, homosexuality was the only taboo, and when referenced the words "fag" or "dyke" were often used; not meanly mind you, but present none the less. The other clincher is that my family is fairly involved in our town's political goings on, and I would not want to cause any scandal for them. Of course there is also the very slim chance that they won't be able to accept me, and I will be kicked out. I think what would hurt the most here, is that they would have looked past all of my accomplishments and only see me as gay. Mind you I've reasoned being kicked out to be less than a 5% possibility. As I live so close to home while at school, many people who go here and even work here, know my family, so I've had to stay closeted.
I am about to leave my college life; top of my class, full honors, on a full scholarship and great prospects. I think I want to start exploring my emotional and romantic feelings, but I do not think I can do so without being honest to the ones I care about. I can handle losing some friends and being the source of gossip (as that is temporary), but my family is my rock. I feel the biggest point of contention my family might have is that I've never pursued any kind of interaction with another guy (emotional, physical or otherwise). I know that "Gay" is not purely sexual, and I believe my family thinks differently. I am here asking you for advice or even your own personal accounts. I know my mom would probably start researching anything LGBTQ in order to get a handle and perhaps even be receptive to my lifestyle (I plan on telling her before my dad). My dad however, the lovable lug that he is, tends to shut down when he has to publicly deal with strong emotions. I also need advice on how to "catch up" as I have had no experience and missed all developmental milestones in the dating and relationship area.
So that is essentially the short of my story (plenty more details but the post is already too long). Thank you so much, at the very least this is cathartic. I am proud to say that I am a gay man, and hope very soon to be able to live that openly, without the looming fear of losing everything I have and love.
I celebrated my anniversary the other day, the anniversary of my first ever date. Almost a year ago, I went out with this cute girl, smart, kind, great sense of humor, motivated, not mixed up in any risky behavior and kind of nerdy (a plus in my book). She was what I always told myself was the complete package-- Oh was I miserable. I just wanted out! The date went horrible. That night I just cried and cried and cried, what was wrong with me? I was able, over several hours, to finally work up the courage and admit the truth I had been running from for the last decade (and this post is the first time in any form I am admitting this to others)...
I am gay.
I realized I was still crying that night, but it was because I was just so darned happy. In an instant I felt a decade's worth of guilt, doubt and self loathing just lift away.
I spent the better part of that weekend mapping out a strategy for myself and assessing my emotional state. I reasoned that, yes, I was happy, but had several things to work on. While not a fanatic, I am Christian and spent much of the following months trying to reconcile my faith. I finally came to the realization that God and Jesus love me just as they made me, gay.
My personal life is kind of strange. I am a college student, but I live at a school very close to my house. Essentially, there is a very good chance that if I were to come out, my family would find out very quickly, and Im just not ready for that. So I made a deal with myself, until I finish my education, I would publicly stay closeted. This was a compromise, I would have to privately celebrate my newly embraced identity (research the culture, learn the history, pay closer attention to my LGBTQ friends, etc.).
I have lived this thinly veiled closeted life for the past year. I have felt so wonderful not trying to convince myself that my feelings and attractions are wrong or misdirected. I have gotten to know myself and it is a beautiful experience. I am however feeling I am on the cusp of revealing my new found self (this site is in fact my first step). The trouble is, my family.
My family are my best friends. My closest confidant is my Mom. Not letting her in the loop has begun to hurt. However, she and the rest of my family are rather touchy and outdated. Growing up, homosexuality was the only taboo, and when referenced the words "fag" or "dyke" were often used; not meanly mind you, but present none the less. The other clincher is that my family is fairly involved in our town's political goings on, and I would not want to cause any scandal for them. Of course there is also the very slim chance that they won't be able to accept me, and I will be kicked out. I think what would hurt the most here, is that they would have looked past all of my accomplishments and only see me as gay. Mind you I've reasoned being kicked out to be less than a 5% possibility. As I live so close to home while at school, many people who go here and even work here, know my family, so I've had to stay closeted.
I am about to leave my college life; top of my class, full honors, on a full scholarship and great prospects. I think I want to start exploring my emotional and romantic feelings, but I do not think I can do so without being honest to the ones I care about. I can handle losing some friends and being the source of gossip (as that is temporary), but my family is my rock. I feel the biggest point of contention my family might have is that I've never pursued any kind of interaction with another guy (emotional, physical or otherwise). I know that "Gay" is not purely sexual, and I believe my family thinks differently. I am here asking you for advice or even your own personal accounts. I know my mom would probably start researching anything LGBTQ in order to get a handle and perhaps even be receptive to my lifestyle (I plan on telling her before my dad). My dad however, the lovable lug that he is, tends to shut down when he has to publicly deal with strong emotions. I also need advice on how to "catch up" as I have had no experience and missed all developmental milestones in the dating and relationship area.
So that is essentially the short of my story (plenty more details but the post is already too long). Thank you so much, at the very least this is cathartic. I am proud to say that I am a gay man, and hope very soon to be able to live that openly, without the looming fear of losing everything I have and love.
Most parent's love is unconditional, and while they may have a hard time acknowledging(notice I did not say accepting) your sexuality, they will eventually come around. My own mother didn't speak to me for over six months when I came out, blaming herself for making me "this way." I left her alone and she came back to me. I had, however, resigned myself to the fact that my happiness is as important as anyone else's, and if they chose to disown me, then so be it. My family outside of my mom was quite accepting of me, and told me that as long as it was what made me happy, then they could acknowledge and accept it.
In the 30 years I've been out, I have come to realise that life is too short to be miserable, and I am certainly not living my life based on someone else's standards. I'm proud to say I am gay, I'm proud to say my partner and I have been together nearly 23 years, I'm proud to say we are living our lives together, living a "normal" life as anyone else. I'm proud to say we have been instrumental in the rearing of my partners sister's five children, and they have seen for themselves that there is nothing wrong being gay.
Not sure where you live, but it seems to me that the attitude towards gays has relaxed greatly from what it was. We no longer have to hide in the cover of darkness. We are doctors, lawyers, politicians, etc ,and many are out in the open. Maybe you should give relocation a thought. Would that possibly make you happier if you were away from the family and their judgement..?
I realise this is a tough decision for you, and I wish you the best. If you'd like to discuss this further we can PM or chat. I did want to make you aware of a group I run here for gay men, it's called the Gay Men's Forum. It's a very diverse group but you might gain some knowledge and certainly some good friends there. Check it out and if you like what you see, please join us.
Here's the link: http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/gay-mens-forum
Welcome to the site and the group and as I said, if there is anything I can do for you, don't hesitate to ask. Take care of yourself and have a good day.
Thanks for making it through my wall of text and for the warm welcome!
To answer a few questions, where I live is quite progressive actually (Manhattan Area), but my little burb is a bit behind the times. I have no desire to relocate as I have pretty ambitious career goals, and leaving would effectively end them.
I have an idea to "test the waters". Im an RA on campus, and one of my residents was recently disowned for coming out to his family (that was a tough conversation to go through for many reasons, thank heavens I have Safe Space Training). My mom usually asks me about what I'm doing as an RA; perhaps I can gain some insight by relaying this story and gauging her reaction.
I also have a friend on campus, another RA actually. He has been out since High School. I trust his judgment and his ability to be discreet. Perhaps I could ask to use him as a sounding board moving forward. I also think it would be helpful to have someone I know to talk to, especially one who has been through this.
Since I can no longer have the financial rug pulled out from under me (college is over in 2 weeks), I do not foresee my family being kept in the dark past the summer. That's my goal anyway. I also feel you may have the wrong impression about them, they are wonderful people, and likely will be receptive to this change. It just was not a chance I was willing to stake my academic future on.
And thanks for the link, I have been gathering materials to help my family when the time comes (Pflag brochures and whatnot); there were some great resources and videos on that forum. I think my Dad in particular would appreciate a few of the informative cartoons.
Thanks again!