Good for you! How much better people can feel about life when living honestly The video idea sounds pretty neat.

I feel really happy for you man, love the way you describe their reactions

That's awesome, I'm so happy for you! I have yet to tell my friends, but I am unsure as to whether they really need to know or not yet xD Seeing as we might never talk to each other after high school graduation.
My Mom knows though ;D

Congrats Joe it's good to hear it went well with your coming out to you 3 best friends. And I'd like to see that short video when your done again great job.

Congratulations Steve!! Great progress! Yes, I would also like to see that video when it's done. Sounds amazing!

Hi Joe or Steve,
My question to you and all the other gay guys on this sight. Is it important to "come out" I mean why can't you be exactly you. I mean why does it have to be a big coming out party? I'm trying to understand all of this because I recently discovered my son is gay and he is struggling so badly that he can't and does not want to admit it yet. I know not to force him either. I know this reality for him right now is too much for him to handle. He is in agony because even his life plan is turned upside down. So I guess what I'm asking is, is it important for him to make a big deal out of it? Why does he have to tell everyone? I mean who cares? Let him live his life and if someone asks him well then sure he would hopefully say, yep I'm gay and be honest but I don't understand you having to let everyone know. I mean heterosexuals don't announce I like men or women or I'm not gay?? Does that make sense? I have a lot to learn and I'm trying to process all of this myself. Thank you and the best to you.

Dear Alovingmom,

You may not realize it but coming out is me being exactly who I am. It is not that I want to make a big deal of it, that I am making a coming out party for myself, it is an act of normalizing and an act of self affirmation. I can understand the agony your son is feeling, and kudos to you for being so pro-active about it.

Unfortunately, you have something wrong. Heterosexuals do come out, every single day. The thing is, we as a society don't even notice. When a boy and girl walk down the street hand in hand, do you bat an eye? When a television commercial hints at a man's special someone, is it his girlfriend or wife your mind jumps to? Part of the agony we feel in coming out as gay is that we recognize a hetero-sexist society that does not actively accommodate our existence. In many communities we are outcasts, or novelties, not human beings. In some countries we are executed as criminals, in others we are considered diseased. Here in the United States, we don't even have the rights of a full citizen. So to come out as homosexual for me, is my way to try and attain my equality and my potential. I see staying in the closet as me giving up-- giving up on what I can be and giving up on how the world might change. If I hadn't of come out, I would probably be dead, or well on my way there.

I don't mean to sound defeatist, I'm actually quite the optimist. It's just that I want those things for myself too. I want to read the books in public that I like, watch the shows that interest me, and even hold the hand of a special man as we walk down the street. The thing is, if I don't come out publicly I will always be repressing myself in some manner. I don't know if you can fathom this, but all these little tweaks of our personality, to hide who we really are, add up to quite a bit of trauma.

On a personal level, I make my living in the creative field. If I am not free to express myself openly, it could actually have an impact on my work.

My relationships to friends and family are just now becoming genuine, now that they know who I am. Before, there was always the doubt; that they might leave. I suspect your son is feeling this too.

If I may be so bold, does your son know you know? And more importantly, have you told him it is okay, and that you love him (and I hope you love him because of it, not in spite of it)? My biggest fear in coming out was losing my parents. I'm not sure if you grasp the magnitude of the mindset, but as we go through this process we have to acknowledge the possibility of abandonment, even by our parents. I know I had to create a plan to stay with friends should my parents decide it was more than they could take. I have personally witnessed people come out to their parents and be kicked out of their homes for something they have absolutely no control over. Obviously you are a caring mom, so you wouldn't do this, but that doesn't mean it's not a thought your son has considered. My mom is one of my closest confidants, and to think I could lose her nearly tore me in two.

I hope I have cleared some things up for you (and once its finished, I hope you will watch my video). Your son may not want or need to come out on so large a scale, but if he does want to I pray you will be right there cheering him on. Being trapped in your own life isn't much of a life at all; I want to overcome this by simply dropping all pretense. Perhaps your son just wants the love and support of his family. Please try and be his anchor. I'd also recommend you visit the following sites:

http://www.hrc.org//
http://pflag.com/
http://www.thetrevorproject.org/

Finally, I just have two points of advice. First, keep communication open with him, and non-judgmental. Second, allow him access to resources like this site or the sites I gave you; The people here helped me find the strength to live. You may not want to acknowledge it, but your son may need that too.

All the best,
Steve

Hi Steve and Alovingmom,
If I can be so bold as to say so, I believe you are both right! Mom, you are absolutely right that there is no protocol for coming out, and I do not believe it is always necessary. So in that sense, there are no "rules." I believe Steve is also right in sharing the magnitude of the emotions that go into being a "species" that the American society almost automatically rejects on many levels. I also endorse his identifying some feelings your son may have without everyone in his life being aware of them. Suicide rate among gay people is extremely high, and much of this is due to their not having the freedom to express themselves in many ways. Many times they may not feel free to tell you about these feelings, because they are just too painful for them to feel. Now this is only my opinion.
Steve, congratulations on finding a way of coming out that works for you, and kudos for being willing to go the whole way to find freedom and also help other gays at the same time!! So proud of you for this! :) Yes, I also want to see your video when it is all done! :)
Alovingmom, I also wish you all the best as you reach out for resources and help there is so much available, and that your son will find a way that brings true peace and contentment for him! :)

Thank you for trying to give me an understanding of what he may be feeling. Here's the thing I have suspected a couple of years ago from some text messages before he went into high school. I have found gay porn on his computer and this year with so much on his plate (he is involved in everything in h.s.) he has been talking about being able to focus. I have tried to hold him and tell him I love you no matter what and so does dad. He is lucky because I knolw a lot of parents wouldn't be so understanding but when I have said to him, " it's ok if you are gay, it doesn't change who you are, you are still our awesome son and we will always be proud of you" he will snap back with BUT I"M NOT..so I suggested he talk with a therapist or a good friend we have that's a social worker. I just think he isn't ready to come out so I know not to force him and my husband and I said he may not come out for years if ever because he has this picture of his life . This was not in it and he really doesn't want to be. But he knows we are there for him.But in society he knows it will be a difficult road. My heart bleeds for him knowing he is going through this pain and there isn't anything I can do to help except hold him and tell him it will be ok. His dad has done the same thing. It's so sad in this day and age with ALL the information out there that people still think this is a choice. It boggles my mind the stupidity how have we not evolved into people who should just let people live and to be kind to one another. Even in my forties I still wish and hope for more. In my line of work I know lots of gay men and all wonderful and fun. I never thought I would have a son that would be, so even though I'm open -minded it's still a shock internally. Thank you for your kind words and taking the time to respond.

Alovingmom,

Wow you're awesome, we should all have parents like your son! Believe it or not, you pretty much described me in High School. I threw myself into schoolwork to bury any feelings I had. Mind you there were benefits to this method, but at one point I had accumulated a 14 hour school day plus 6 hours of homework a night; these strains do have a physical manifestation (anxiety, fatigue, general sickness...) Just keep an eye out that your son doesn't go overboard, he sounds like a good kid (and you a great mom) so I don't think that will happen.

From what you wrote, yes it does sound like your son is gay, or at the very least curious. The thing is, he can't come out to you until he comes out to himself. That may take years, it cannot be forced. It is honestly just as hard coming out to yourself as anyone else. We have to adjust our world views and then we have to accept that these changed views are in fact okay. From the time I could identify my feelings to the time I acknowledged them out loud took 8 years. Knowing he has you supporting him though, your son might not need nearly that much time.

So ultimately, you are doing exactly what you need to be doing. Showing him all the love and support you can while allowing him his distance to grow. As long as you keep an eye out for warning signs, like depression, cutting, violence, etc. I have faith in your family to help him through. I know you wish you could make the hurt stop for him (which only speaks to how great a mom you are) but unfortunately he is going to have to deal with some of this on his own.

Thanks for being an Ally in the truest sense of the term,
Steve

I wish I was as strong or as brave as you are. Good luck to you!